Child has friendship with a BPD

It's been awhile since I've posted here. The last time being about a HPD who was once in my life, and fortunately no longer. I should add the best resistence to an HPD's charm is a healthy dose of self esteem. But that's another topic.

I come here hoping to assist my 13 yr old daughter in transitioning away from her BPD friend without being physically harmed.

Here's a little background. My daughter became close friends with a BPD classmate quickly and with intensity. I had met her at the local bookstore and immediately red flags went up in my mind just by her mannerism and made up stories. Thinking this was a casual encounter, I paid no attention.

Well, the girls became friends at school. Probably because they shared a common interest in a boy (which I'm opposed to by the way). Also, I sensed, this girl represented some level of rebellion, which I know attracted my daughter even more.

My daughter was insistent and persistent in spending as much time with her as possible. All the while I learned this girl was bi-sexual ( her sexuality is not an issue. It's the openess about the subject at such a young age), very open in discussing sexual topics, concerned about her appearance, would out of anger throw her dog across the room, quick tempered, associated with the wrong crowd and could not maintain long term friendships. Last but least, she was a self admitted cutter who has a circle of other BPD friends she associates with. Knowing what i know now, I can understand why people can be taken in. My daughter even recognized her manipulation skills.

I know at her age, what I say and how I say it can determine what kind of influence I might have on my daughter. The last thing I wanted is to pit me as the "evil" parent against the want to be free pre-teens.

So, I've told my daughter, as should be the case in any relationship, if she feels she's doing things that compromises her core beliefs, then she consider severing the relationship.

Because my daughter possess an extreme amount of healthy self esteem, she has tired of the friendship and wants to leave it. The catalyst has been a spat over her friend doing something, which was contrary to my daughter's values. Now, the BPD seems to be looking for some excuse for revenge.

Right now she's seeking any information that would give the impression my daughter is interfering in her relationship with the boy. Fortunately, my daughter has refrained from involving herself in any manner. I've stressed to her she must limit her contact with the boy and not associate with the girlfriend. By the way they are not talking.

Now, I'm not here to knock the BPD, but I can't deny the situation and believe she's dealing with a BPD who has a history of physical assault. Also, I do not wish to get involved in the drama and believe my daughter needs to learn to resolve things on her own with reassurance that I will support her.

Basically, I'm hoping somebody out there can help me help her navigate through this delicate situation without as my daugter says "coming home with bruises".

Thanks for your time.

Hi,

I'm a male who dated a girl with HPD before. So, I think that I can offer some amount of help to your situation. Basically, a good way to handle a HPD person who is on the revenge path is to starve them of all attention. Firstly, your daughter should not respond to anything attempts that the HPD girl makes to contact her; and she should change her e-mail address and phone number. The mere act of trying to directly control the situation would be a mistake. Instead, you have to sit passively by and wait until the 'storm' blows over.

Above all, make sure you daughter realises that each time she responds to the HPD girl, she is 'fuelling her fire'.

Kevin

Well not referring to a human being as a disorder ("a bpd" "the bpd") would be a way to teach your daughter values. Although I know it's the fashion in certain fora on the web. And there's always the possibility that your daughter befriended this girl because she identified with her in some way, so this sort of black and white splitting - "bpd's" and "nons" - might make it more difficult for her to be totally open with you.

Also diagnosing borderline personality in adolescents is pretty controversial. Teenagers under stress tend to do a lot of things that look like personality disorders - especially bpd. There are lots of kids who cut and create drama who end up just fine.

That said, there's no reason to want your daughter around that behavior and there's nothing wrong with saying so. And standard guidelines apply here if you think this is a dangerous situation. Most of which it sounds like you're already doing. Support your daughter, disengage but avoid confrontation, if there appears to be a legitimate threat contact authorities or the school. Ask your daughter directly - do you think she's a threat? Has she threatened you?