Borderline + eating disorder

I was very recently diagnosed with BPD by my psychiatrist, whom I have been seeing for the past six years. It has come as a real shock to me (as I guess it does to all BPDs), and I really need someone to discuss this new information with.

My psychiatrist has decided to refer me to a new therapist, because she now lives in a foreign country and has been seeing me pro bono for the last year. The amount of sessions she is able to give me is not enough though, considering my new diagnosis.

I'm confused and ashamed and feel that I desperately need someone to talk to. However, I am afraid of telling any of my friends about the diagnosis, because ... well, I am ashamed. I don't want them to put me in a box or to think that I am going to use the disorder as some kind of excuse for my actions. Also a lot of my friends are still friends with an ex-boyfriend of mine, who once tried choking me while screaming that I was insane ... I am afraid of him finding out and knowing he was "right".

Directly after my last session with my therapist, my parents were called in so we could share the information and the plan for my further treatment with them. It ended in a horrible fight where my dad said that he often thought that I was not a part of his family, and he often thought of telling me to leave and never come back. As a result I ran out and haven't spoken to my dad for some days now.

Therefore talking to my parents about my fears is out of the question. I recently hurt my boyfriend's feelings very badly and he is having a very hard time being angry at me and comforting me at the same time. It's clear that I can't rely on him for support - which is one hundred percent my own fault.

I feel alone. I feel like I have no idea who I am any more. I have also been nauseous for a week now, and have only eaten a proper meal once, when I visited my brother's house last night. The rest of the time I just lay on my bed watching TV and smoking cigarettes, only disturbed by sudden temper tantrums and violent outbursts. I cry a lot, but have so far been able to not cut or burn myself. I still hammer my fists and head into the walls, but that is all. There has been no blood.

During this past week I have lost some weight. I am a skinny girl already which means that you can now see ribs and hips protruding in a very Kate Moss type of way. What frightens me is that I am attracted to this - the control over food, the not giving in to hunger, the flat stomach ... I don't intellectually want to worsen my problems, but can't seem to start eating again. I gag at the taste of food on my tongue. I simply can't stand it. And I love it.

I am so afraid of spiraling into depression and plopping an eating disorder onto my pile of problems. The worst part is that I can see what's wrong and what needs to be done (=eat) but I just don't want to ...

Please help me.

Hi, Kybele! Welcome to the forum! We'll be here when you need to talk and we will try to give you support. There are a lot of great people here.
Don't blame yourself for the situation with your boyfriend. It's true that we are all responsible for our actions, but you have an illness and you are trying to get better and make it up to him.
I'm sorry your dad treated you that way. You don't have to see your family right now, it's all about what makes you feel comfortable. You don't have to tell your friends either.
I know it feels good when you feel in controll of what you eat and your body. You do know it can put your health at risk. You can try to take it one step at a time. Talk here about how you're feeling and what you think might have made you feel this way and you'll feel more in controll. Then you can get healthier about your food.
I wish you all the best!

Regarding the issue with my boyfriend: this is exactly what I am afraid will happen - I don't want to blame all the bad things I do on an illness I only just recently discovered. I do have responsibility for my actions, whether I have BPD or not. And I know that this is what my boyfriend doesn't want either - me just blaming everything on something I can't control.

I still haven't told anyone but my boyfriend (who I am now on a break with) and my family about my diagnosis. When I told my older brother, I went through some of the symptoms (not the self-mutilation or the suicidal thoughts) and he just said that he didn't recognize any of these personality traits in me ... I was really disappointed, because it was a big step for me telling him, seeing as his opinion means the world to me and him not acknowledging my illness ... it really broke me down. Made me feel even more worthless, because he questioned the diagnosis.

I also haven't spoken with my father yet, since I told my parents about the diagnosis. I feel ... really alone. And telling people about the diagnosis hasn't brought anything good with it so far, so I don't know if I should keep it a secret from my friends ... What are your opinions? How did you handle the "coming out"-process? Is it necessary?

Hi, Kybele! I'm sorry about the late reply. You don't have to tell any one if you are not comfortable with it and you think they won't understand. They should be more supportive. It's nice that you want to take responsibility for your actions and you don't have to blame stuff on your illness.