Hello, first off all thanks for reading my post... I'll try to keep it short:
I'm starting to worry I am BPD and are lost forever, (right away showing my black/white behavior).
At the same time I know how much of a hypochondriac I am and can focus on certain situation that has happened through the time and be like "THAT PROVES IT". This has been going from schizophrenia to narcisstic personality disorder.
None of which I have, so I need honest feedback here.
symptoms:
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
As a kid my mom have told me I had extreme fear of being alone, ecspesially at night and feared she would die and leave me.
I had a dad that was a street junkie I never saw but when I saw him he always made me promises he never kept, so maybe my distrust started there.
Then there was the screaming emotionally abusive stepdad I had for a long time who scared me and my siblings shitless.
I think he seriously suffered something, he was also on drugs so maybe that made it worse.
Anyway there you got my background.
i think I "out grew" my fear of being alone as I remember skipping school a whole lot even from elementary school to be home alone and either play video games, watch tv or just be a slacker.
I had Body Dysmorphia and a little OCD all my life.
The body dysmorphia made me very low on self confidence, but here is what makes it so weird. I remember looking in the mirror and sometimes feeling "wow I'm the hottest guy ever born"
then the next I could see a small flaw and I'd be like "IM THE UGLIEST EVER". This was BDD at it's worst, ( I overcame this when my Pure O and panic disorder had it's onset, not that i still don't care about my looks a lot, I do but not to the point of suicide, I accept I'm hot).
Then I hit 8th grade, I was 13 I flirted with several girls, but this one girl, was no doubt, the love of my life, my first true love.
At first our relationship was nothing but a dance on roses.
Unfortunately, her bestfriend and I had been flirting before and she wanted me back and stupid me cheated.
I suddenly realized $#%^, I truely love my girlfriend (i know it was evil, but I was young drunk and stupid, no excuse, but it happened) so this started my desperation, she wanted to end it but I was given a second chance from this beautiful angel of mine.
I was so happy, but something happened, something changed, I realized "wow I almost lost the most precious person in my life" and the fear of losing her became obsessive.
I didn't really "notice" how bad my jealousy was at the time, I was 14, no clue I suffered Pure O(mental ocd, anxious thoughts that never leaves) and she was a pathological liar about stupid $#%^ that made no sense so this messed up my trust towards her too, but mostly it was my fault.
It was just that, "wow she can lie to me? can I trust her?" my mind went nuts.
her parents hated me, our friends (ecspesially the females) wanted us to break up I think, atleast 2 of them, so they told me lies about her, like she cheating and $#%^ so I got even more paranoid.
long story short: i ended up, sending her text messages all day if I weren't with her, I could call her 20 times a day.
I knew it was wrong, but it was like compulsively, I felt anxiety growing and growing inside me when she didn't respond and my OCD told me she was cheatin etc etc.
Everytime after the 15 minute "desperate attempt of getting ehr to answer me" I realized how stupid I was, but then I had scared her and she probably thought I was a control freak.
All i wanted was to be with her(i loved her a lot) but this was excessive behavior from me, and this kept goin back n forth for years.
She never dared to tell me that she needed space either, so everytime I asked her about it, she just said "no i love to be with you all the time".
Obviously this created problems for her... she might have had low confidence herself cause she never dared to speak to me about anything I did wrong.
I could call her a slut if she didn't answer me, I went into rampage fora few minutes, then regretted it 2seconds later and just wanted to die and then I needed to be sure she was sure that I didn't mean it and I even bothered her more, and then it was too late and I hurt her a lot.
I wouldn't say abuse,cuz I never ever ever even thought of hitting her or anything.
But ever since age 11 I've had some rage problems, they last like 5minutes, but those 5 minutes, I feel this intense anger, this deep deep all hating anger.
Ecspecially towards authorities, like my mom, and my teachers and police.
I'm not violent, never been, but when I had this outbursts I completely did everything in my power to emotionally "hurt" the person I was fighting with by calling them whatever. I usually feel bad afterwards so I think I have empathy atleast...
I hate admitting this to myself, I feel I'm dying inside. Is this really who I am? is this what I'm destined to be?
I still have anger, but not the same extent as before, only sometimes, like last week when my stepfather(the one I hate) had to butt in in a conversation I had with my mom and I was emotionally upset, I told him to stay away, and warned him twice if he didnt stfu I would attack him, he didn't listen, I attacked him(first physical attack at anyone in years).
This anger only lasts like 5-10minutes, not like hours and days like borderline symptoms list (hope?).
I truely see the world often black and white, either I hate or love.
either I feel down or gooood. (mostly bad, I'm completely DPDR'ed from panic disorder and have almost no emotions, hence the name numb).
I also tend to critize TV programs etc, overanalyze it, like "ok it's a good show, but that $#%^ completely ruins it, it's so unrealistic". etc...
I've often threatened with suicide if I'm feeling powerless and hopeless, but enver really attempted, even though I've had thoughts about it since age 10 when my BodyDysmorphiaDisorder was bad.
and i can hear myself saying "if im bpd i'll suicide".
it's like the desperation screaming, to prove I have control over my life.
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.[b]
not completely sure here, I do not have gender confusion, I'm a 100% hetrosexual male.
self image shift a lot, from winner to failure, ecspecially when it comes to my looks.
Otherwise I know I am a creative, strong(atleast mentally otherwise I'd be dead by now), love animals, love music more than anything: not affected by whom I hang out with as I see is another BPD symptom, ofcourse I've been inspired by others and gone through my "WHO AM I" teenage crisis changing style from hiphop to metal to hiphop again. but, overall i love hiphop the most, but also rock, metal and generally any good music with good poetry in it.
Very specific type of taste in women, a little too picky some might say, but atleast, this is me.
I'm still just 19 so I'm young and ofcourse haven't got my life planned out.
I read on a site that borderliners usually change their interests, friends and goals constantly.
i do not, my goal of gaining weight and get back in physical shape has been consistant of the last 3 years.
also my dream of making music is still ongoing.
my friends are also very much the same as before (ofcourse meet nwe people but so is life ?).
I do however change interst often, i'll find a subject and burry myself completley in it, obsess 'til I'm tired of it, then switch. So I often don't follow threw everything...
I know who I am, but I'm a true "gemini" split personality, I'm not one way, I'm both.
I can be "gentle man" or "bad boy".
I can be "sweet and caring" or not caring at all.
I can feel like "oh peace on earth" one second and then "###$ the earth we're doomed" the next.
Except my exgirlfriend, I always wanted to be with her, I read some BPDers often break up and then dont etc.
I'm not that type, I loved my girl and wanted to be with her til the end.
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving).
Well, substance abuse I'm guilty of, I used to smoke a lot of weed, but quit it. now i don't do any substances except alcohol, occasionally but not impulsivly or compulsively I also take care so I'm in control.
i've learned my lessons from stupid behavior with drugs.
# Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars, or picking at oneself.
Again: threats, and thoughts, but never actually gone through with any...
Like I can feel "oh my ###$ god, can't my mind stop racing with this Pure O thoughts" and felt like shooting myself would just be sooooo great.
Ofcourse this is just thoughts, not real wishes, I just want to be well.
# Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
Probably... my mood swings (before DPDR) was great, ecspecially while listening to music, I adopted the feelings of whatever song I lisnted to.
And very little to "tip me over the edge" a little criticism and I felt like a failure...
But at the same time, I LOVED emotions, emotions is the color of life, without it, it's all dead.
# Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.
Well, yes now with my DPDR, i truely feel empty and worthless, but if I got BPD it has nothing to do with eachother, DPDR is a symptom which dissociate you from your body and surroundings and leave u emotionaless(symptom of extreme anxiety). when DPDR dissapears emotions come back.
# Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
No physical fights, no constant anger(although I'm very negative, but I think this is a bad habbit i've adopted from friends i've been hanging out with).
Temper, yes, short fuse.
# Transient, stress-related paranoid Suicidal ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Wtf?:P I'm not paranoid, although after isolation I've become very critizing of others (trying to change that).
So what's the verdict? forever lasting never ever recovering BPD'er, or juts some learned personality traits (like seeing things black/white) which I can change?
Not saying BPD'ers are hopeless or forever doomed, i'm just feeling, I got enough on my mind, my extreme panic disorder, pure o and depression, not to mention Ive stayed in bed for 2 years cause Im so fed up with it all and just lost my dad and close friend to drugs.
Only reason I haven't "killed myself" is because I always knew panic disorder is possible to recover from, its temporary, Pure O can be as good as cured too and depression will leave once my life and mind heals but if I'm BPD'ed, I feel like i'm doomed for all of eternity cause I GOT NO ENERGY TO FIGHT NOTHING ANYTHING anymore, I'm drained and has been for the last 2 years.
THANKS SO MUCH if someone can respond me...
I read thru my post and realize I come off as a complete jerk, is this me?=\
be honest, does this sound BPD or something else? I need to know honestly.
I been to psychiatrists etc and never been diagnosed BPD, only depressed, panic disorder and pure o but, i remember my psychiatrist told me "it's always either or and black n white with you".