Am I BPD? please, honesty needed

Hello, first off all thanks for reading my post... I'll try to keep it short:


I'm starting to worry I am BPD and are lost forever, (right away showing my black/white behavior).
At the same time I know how much of a hypochondriac I am and can focus on certain situation that has happened through the time and be like "THAT PROVES IT". This has been going from schizophrenia to narcisstic personality disorder.
None of which I have, so I need honest feedback here.

symptoms:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]

As a kid my mom have told me I had extreme fear of being alone, ecspesially at night and feared she would die and leave me.
I had a dad that was a street junkie I never saw but when I saw him he always made me promises he never kept, so maybe my distrust started there.
Then there was the screaming emotionally abusive stepdad I had for a long time who scared me and my siblings shitless.
I think he seriously suffered something, he was also on drugs so maybe that made it worse.
Anyway there you got my background.

i think I "out grew" my fear of being alone as I remember skipping school a whole lot even from elementary school to be home alone and either play video games, watch tv or just be a slacker.
I had Body Dysmorphia and a little OCD all my life.
The body dysmorphia made me very low on self confidence, but here is what makes it so weird. I remember looking in the mirror and sometimes feeling "wow I'm the hottest guy ever born"
then the next I could see a small flaw and I'd be like "IM THE UGLIEST EVER". This was BDD at it's worst, ( I overcame this when my Pure O and panic disorder had it's onset, not that i still don't care about my looks a lot, I do but not to the point of suicide, I accept I'm hot).
Then I hit 8th grade, I was 13 I flirted with several girls, but this one girl, was no doubt, the love of my life, my first true love.
At first our relationship was nothing but a dance on roses.
Unfortunately, her bestfriend and I had been flirting before and she wanted me back and stupid me cheated.
I suddenly realized $#%^, I truely love my girlfriend (i know it was evil, but I was young drunk and stupid, no excuse, but it happened) so this started my desperation, she wanted to end it but I was given a second chance from this beautiful angel of mine.
I was so happy, but something happened, something changed, I realized "wow I almost lost the most precious person in my life" and the fear of losing her became obsessive.
I didn't really "notice" how bad my jealousy was at the time, I was 14, no clue I suffered Pure O(mental ocd, anxious thoughts that never leaves) and she was a pathological liar about stupid $#%^ that made no sense so this messed up my trust towards her too, but mostly it was my fault.
It was just that, "wow she can lie to me? can I trust her?" my mind went nuts.
her parents hated me, our friends (ecspesially the females) wanted us to break up I think, atleast 2 of them, so they told me lies about her, like she cheating and $#%^ so I got even more paranoid.
long story short: i ended up, sending her text messages all day if I weren't with her, I could call her 20 times a day.
I knew it was wrong, but it was like compulsively, I felt anxiety growing and growing inside me when she didn't respond and my OCD told me she was cheatin etc etc.
Everytime after the 15 minute "desperate attempt of getting ehr to answer me" I realized how stupid I was, but then I had scared her and she probably thought I was a control freak.
All i wanted was to be with her(i loved her a lot) but this was excessive behavior from me, and this kept goin back n forth for years.
She never dared to tell me that she needed space either, so everytime I asked her about it, she just said "no i love to be with you all the time".
Obviously this created problems for her... she might have had low confidence herself cause she never dared to speak to me about anything I did wrong.
I could call her a slut if she didn't answer me, I went into rampage fora few minutes, then regretted it 2seconds later and just wanted to die and then I needed to be sure she was sure that I didn't mean it and I even bothered her more, and then it was too late and I hurt her a lot.
I wouldn't say abuse,cuz I never ever ever even thought of hitting her or anything.

But ever since age 11 I've had some rage problems, they last like 5minutes, but those 5 minutes, I feel this intense anger, this deep deep all hating anger.
Ecspecially towards authorities, like my mom, and my teachers and police.
I'm not violent, never been, but when I had this outbursts I completely did everything in my power to emotionally "hurt" the person I was fighting with by calling them whatever. I usually feel bad afterwards so I think I have empathy atleast...

I hate admitting this to myself, I feel I'm dying inside. Is this really who I am? is this what I'm destined to be?

I still have anger, but not the same extent as before, only sometimes, like last week when my stepfather(the one I hate) had to butt in in a conversation I had with my mom and I was emotionally upset, I told him to stay away, and warned him twice if he didnt stfu I would attack him, he didn't listen, I attacked him(first physical attack at anyone in years).
This anger only lasts like 5-10minutes, not like hours and days like borderline symptoms list (hope?).

I truely see the world often black and white, either I hate or love.
either I feel down or gooood. (mostly bad, I'm completely DPDR'ed from panic disorder and have almost no emotions, hence the name numb).
I also tend to critize TV programs etc, overanalyze it, like "ok it's a good show, but that $#%^ completely ruins it, it's so unrealistic". etc...

I've often threatened with suicide if I'm feeling powerless and hopeless, but enver really attempted, even though I've had thoughts about it since age 10 when my BodyDysmorphiaDisorder was bad.
and i can hear myself saying "if im bpd i'll suicide".
it's like the desperation screaming, to prove I have control over my life.




Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.[b]

not completely sure here, I do not have gender confusion, I'm a 100% hetrosexual male.
self image shift a lot, from winner to failure, ecspecially when it comes to my looks.
Otherwise I know I am a creative, strong(atleast mentally otherwise I'd be dead by now), love animals, love music more than anything: not affected by whom I hang out with as I see is another BPD symptom, ofcourse I've been inspired by others and gone through my "WHO AM I" teenage crisis changing style from hiphop to metal to hiphop again. but, overall i love hiphop the most, but also rock, metal and generally any good music with good poetry in it.
Very specific type of taste in women, a little too picky some might say, but atleast, this is me.
I'm still just 19 so I'm young and ofcourse haven't got my life planned out.
I read on a site that borderliners usually change their interests, friends and goals constantly.
i do not, my goal of gaining weight and get back in physical shape has been consistant of the last 3 years.
also my dream of making music is still ongoing.
my friends are also very much the same as before (ofcourse meet nwe people but so is life ?).
I do however change interst often, i'll find a subject and burry myself completley in it, obsess 'til I'm tired of it, then switch. So I often don't follow threw everything...
I know who I am, but I'm a true "gemini" split personality, I'm not one way, I'm both.
I can be "gentle man" or "bad boy".
I can be "sweet and caring" or not caring at all.
I can feel like "oh peace on earth" one second and then "###$ the earth we're doomed" the next.
Except my exgirlfriend, I always wanted to be with her, I read some BPDers often break up and then dont etc.
I'm not that type, I loved my girl and wanted to be with her til the end.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving).

Well, substance abuse I'm guilty of, I used to smoke a lot of weed, but quit it. now i don't do any substances except alcohol, occasionally but not impulsivly or compulsively I also take care so I'm in control.
i've learned my lessons from stupid behavior with drugs.


# Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars, or picking at oneself.

Again: threats, and thoughts, but never actually gone through with any...
Like I can feel "oh my ###$ god, can't my mind stop racing with this Pure O thoughts" and felt like shooting myself would just be sooooo great.
Ofcourse this is just thoughts, not real wishes, I just want to be well.

# Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Probably... my mood swings (before DPDR) was great, ecspecially while listening to music, I adopted the feelings of whatever song I lisnted to.
And very little to "tip me over the edge" a little criticism and I felt like a failure...
But at the same time, I LOVED emotions, emotions is the color of life, without it, it's all dead.

# Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

Well, yes now with my DPDR, i truely feel empty and worthless, but if I got BPD it has nothing to do with eachother, DPDR is a symptom which dissociate you from your body and surroundings and leave u emotionaless(symptom of extreme anxiety). when DPDR dissapears emotions come back.

# Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

No physical fights, no constant anger(although I'm very negative, but I think this is a bad habbit i've adopted from friends i've been hanging out with).
Temper, yes, short fuse.

# Transient, stress-related paranoid Suicidal ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Wtf?:P I'm not paranoid, although after isolation I've become very critizing of others (trying to change that).

So what's the verdict? forever lasting never ever recovering BPD'er, or juts some learned personality traits (like seeing things black/white) which I can change?
Not saying BPD'ers are hopeless or forever doomed, i'm just feeling, I got enough on my mind, my extreme panic disorder, pure o and depression, not to mention Ive stayed in bed for 2 years cause Im so fed up with it all and just lost my dad and close friend to drugs.
Only reason I haven't "killed myself" is because I always knew panic disorder is possible to recover from, its temporary, Pure O can be as good as cured too and depression will leave once my life and mind heals but if I'm BPD'ed, I feel like i'm doomed for all of eternity cause I GOT NO ENERGY TO FIGHT NOTHING ANYTHING anymore, I'm drained and has been for the last 2 years.



THANKS SO MUCH if someone can respond me...

I read thru my post and realize I come off as a complete jerk, is this me?=\

be honest, does this sound BPD or something else? I need to know honestly.
I been to psychiatrists etc and never been diagnosed BPD, only depressed, panic disorder and pure o but, i remember my psychiatrist told me "it's always either or and black n white with you".

Hey, Numb! We can't give you a diagnosis, but maybe you're just worried that you might be suffering from something else as well, becouse of the stress and grief you've been going through.
You don't need to put a lable on your problems in order to deal with them and if you feel that you can controll what you've got, then there's no reason to worry.
You could try to encourage your girlfriend or any one else to confront you when you've hurt their feelings and that might help you with the outbursts of anger.

I think that it is good that you are taking a look insde but I also think it is importance to accept what is inside, good and bad, for any changes to be able to be made. It is up to you to change what you want of you, or to accept yourself as is. As far as the gf goes, perhaps you could decide to take some time to yourself and see if she would understand this? It would help you seek yourself out more with no external influences. My thoughts.

thanks for your responses to such a long post =P

Me and my girlfriend has been on and off for the last 2 years, currently "off".
It always end up with some small thing, blowin out of proportion, I freak out she's going to just "ignore me" and dissapear like she's done before, and she locks down and not say a word and I freak out...
currently we're off. Clearly, I see some changes, like the "black n white" thinking I need to change.
But honestly, does this sound like BPD?
I know noone can online diagnose, but would i seem like a "candidate"?
I realize most people got Borderline, Narcsisstic and Anxiety disorder traits, but do I seem like having a biological defiency / personality DISORDER?

Like, in ur honets opinion, raeding my post, do I seem to be a BPD or a struggling teenage?

I know things like absence of dad and having a overexhausted mom made me grow up early. No boundaries, no discipline, no respect for authority.
Then my girlfriend went on vacation to visit her family, she never returned (her parents decided to move over night cause her stepfather got a new job there).
So it was like OMG wtf is going on.
then I first hand witnessed my dad overdose and die infront of me.
Then I did a lot of drugs and got panic disorder accompanied with depersonalization and derealization (extreme chronic).

So I can see how EXTERNAL things in my life has made me a lil ###$.
I alo think my dad had some sort of Borderline traits, he constantly challenged destiny on his motorcycle, constatn drugs, and insane outbursts of anger over everything and nothing.


Please tell me:: could I have BPD?

I think all this is happening becouse of everything that's happened. Please don't worry about being borderline any more. I'm sure you will be ok. What you've been through is terrible.

I'd diagnose you as being a teenager. Acute teenager syndrome.

You sound like there is a bit of anxiety and it would be easy to call it a panic disorder even. The solution many people find works is some kind of meditation or relaxation exercises. Breath control, etc.

You sound a bit selfish and eager to blame others. Again, that is part of teenager syndrome.

What you call hypochondriasis is insecurity (anxiety / panic / etc) looking for answers and comfort.

Rage is an important issue. Some people come to the realization that rage comes from fear, and they try to identify the fear. If you are not able to do that, you must at least develop the discipline to keep your own rages from inflicting misery on others. Know when it's time to give yourself a time-out, and tell other people you need to be alone for a while.

Good luck.

Yes thanks, I might be a little selfish and eager to blame others.
Mostly cause I'm so sick of being so ###$ while everyone else is out living life, going to school, getting education I had to break it all off when I started having 15-30 panic attacks EVERYDAY for months all I could do was lie on my couch screaming for 4months in a row, afterwards I have never been NON-depersonalized and derealized.
So definately, all my psychiatrist said I had the worst panic disorder they had ever encountered.
Ive tried medication, meditation, everything u can imagine, only thing that works is highdoses of valium.

Well, in addition to whatever has worked in the past for you, you should:

a) engage in a strenuous physical activity that raise your heart rate considerably for 15 minutes or more at least twice a week,

b) Look into your diet and see if you are hypersensitive to something or if your diet might not be adequate. My first suggestion would be to consume a lot of magnesium, which has a calming effect. The best way to get a lot of magnesium is to mix a half teaspoon of epsom salt into a glass of water. If it tastes very bad even at the second or third swallow, magnesium probably is not the problem. If it does not have a bad taste, then continue drinking water with epsom salt until it develops a bad taste (up to several teaspoons a day mixed in water).

c) the stress of panic attacks depletes your nervous system, and one good way to recover that energy is to consume flaxseed or oil. It may not noticeably affect the attacks (or it may, I don't know), but you will recover your equilibrium more quickly.

Sorry, two things I forgot to add.

Epsom salt is also a laxative. You might start with a smaller amount, like half or a quarter teaspoon a day at first, until your system is used to it.

Taking more magnesium will increase your need for potassium. You can get that "imitation salt" or "lite salt" wherever they sell salt. It is potassium chloride. When you are taking a lot of magnesium try to add a little of the potassium chloride to your food when you think of it.

Thanks alot.

I take flaxseed oil in capsules once everyday.
Primrose oil capsules twice a day (2capcules twice).
it's supposed to help rebuild some nerve connections between neurons.
and also 2 zinc capsules a day.
Magnesium, I'm living in denmark so I don't really know what that type of salt is.
Is there any magnesium supplement one could buy?
Also take vitamine complex and a protein shake a day.

So you could say I'm taking care of my heath, but I don't see any significant changes, or any at all.

I certainly noticed that after the extreme almost psychotic panic disorder that hit me out of the blue drained me of something essential.
I even had a brink of psychosis for 5minutes once whicch scared the ###$ out of me and I was soooo sure I was going schizophrenic (this is 2 years ago)
I had a experience lying on the couch in panic and suddenly the TV feeling as if it was talking directly to ME.
Then I felt mom was reading my mind for a split second when looking her in the eyes (both typical schizo symptoms) so I was like "oh no, I'm sooooo doomed".

Could this just be a result of extreeeeme panic, I mean I had panic from i wokeup til I fainted and passed out from exhaustion EVERYDAY for months.
I was terrified out of my wits end.
Could this just been overwhelmed nervous system and brain?

or could I be in for a schizophrenic disorder hitting me anysecond?

I haven't had any of those symptoms since ( it happened in a period of 3 days, lasted combined less than 10 minutes) and this is 2 years ago.

after that i've just been depersonalized with no feeling og "self" and not identifying with my self and face.
+ severe derealization to the point I wondered if the world is all a dream, cause it seemed so flat an the colours reminded me of some sort of acid trip.