Delete this thread please.

Fixed.

Hey, Tony! I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you might be bipolar. I'm not sure how you can find a psych, but maybe your family doctor can help, if you have one. I used to get highs and bad lows, although I don't think I'm bipolar. I know it's painful, but you can get better.
Try looking through our bipolar forum as well. I guess all the stress this has caused is making you lose touch with reality somehow.

Seek help, a councelor, psychologist, group therapy as much of it as you can get. Ask your family doctor for a referal. Perhaps you have community centres. It's often hard to ask for help or seek it, but do it, it's a step closer to getting help.

We don't have to live with all our fears and doubts to ourselves, we do have help, we just need to reach for it.

Perhaps even try talking to your father, he has experience of an illness, he should not judge.

You are not alone, I know how terrible it feels. Start out with a belief no matter how small, that you are going to find a way of being at peace, finding happiness.

i can't get help, mother wont let me

and most of the time, i don't want help

once in awhile i come back to earth and realize i may need help

but now i just want to live in the little world i've created of imagination.

I used to live in my own world too, Tony, but it doesn't have to be that way. At least talk here and it will help you feel better.

bdfgdfg

I think you could overcome this disorder, if you knew that you had it and you wanted to change. You should get tested first, though. The fact that you don't want human contact any more could be due to the failed relationship, in part. Give yourself some time to heal. Of course you exist.

...

This may be a cowardly thing to say, but I want someone to tell me exactly what's wrong with me so I know what I'm dealing with.

The problem is I can't go to a psychologist.

The reason why I don't want to associate with anyone is because I feel like I have literally nothing to gain from anyones friendship.

I think I have some reaction formation going on.