Having some kind of BPD meltdown over IQ results

I have been relatively stable for at least 6 years now, after a complete destruction of everything in my life back in 2016. For reference, I’ve got BPD, major depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, OCD, BDD (body dysmorphia disorder), eating disorders in my late teens/early 20s, and I’m an INFJ.

I can’t remember being this angry since I had that psychotic breakdown back in 2016. I forgot I even had this kind of anger. It’s a searing anger mixed with horror and suicidal ideation.

So what happened was, I had to get a confirmation diagnosis of my past psychiatric conditions and I had to take that damn WAIS IV test and ended up with a total score of 82, which indicates below average intelligence. Now, I don’t know if it’s the narcissistic component of BPD or what, but I’m sick to my stomach over these results. I’m questioning everything I thought about myself up to this point. I was working on my bf’s criminal appeal and I don’t even think I should continue because of these IQ results. It seems illogical (which apparently I am) to work on something high caliber if I am of such low intellect.

This is a complete shock to my sense of self for sure. I study dental biomechanics and genetic immunology in my free time and have been told I’m highly intelligent, but perhaps I just come off that way and I truly am incompetent. In college I was always on the dean’s list, had a 4.0, and was part of an honor society. Professors would personally ask me if they could use my outlines and course notes for lectures (I’m just really organized cause OCD, obviously). I have a weird tendency to store large amounts of data in my head, I do not know where it comes from, but if I hear or read something it’s forever stored in my brain, similar to a library. This has given me the ability to excel in diagnostic medicine almost identical to the MC on The Good Doctor (how he just puts pieces of information together in seconds and knows what disease someone has or what procedure needs to be done to save someone).

However, after receiving these results, I wonder if I have been mistaken and possibly inflated my level of intellect and interpreted others’ responses to me with a sort of confirmation bias. I’m truly frightened. Is this related to anxiety, BPD, or possibly OCD mechanisms causing me to perform terribly on such a test? Is this common among BPD to have such a reaction to something that undermines a component of stable confidence, perhaps due to the fact that so many aspects of the personality and sense of self are unstable in BPD?

If someone calls me stupid I could care less, I don’t take others’ opinions seriously unless it’s someone I’m romantically involved with. I do have a major tendency to catastrophize, which is usually the source of most of my angst and mental torment. Is this one of those situations or what? My brain has already decided this IQ score means doom and despair and what immediately started repeating in my head is “there’s obviously nothing left for me here!” My brain has already decided this is a deal breaker… for who? Myself, I guess? I say “my brain has decided” because I realize these thoughts are not rational and I understand there is a clear black/white interpretation happening. This is what happens during most BPD episodes, when “my brain decides” my bf not putting a <3 at the end of a message means he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and makes all these irrational assumptions based on false information that has no relevance to anything. But the feelings are quite real and I am genuinely worried about these results. I don’t even feel like I have a right to pursue any of my former intellectual interests now. I feel I have been blacklisted or something. It’s a very strange reaction and I don’t understand it at all. Perhaps I have a great fear of being incompetent? At first glance it seems to be some narcissistic elements being activated, though this is not a dominant trait unless I split after a breakup.


Thank you in advance for any thoughts!

I recently had the WAIS-IV done as part of an ADHD assessment. I don't remember what my results were at the time, but I do remember feeling kind of insulted by them- I was in the lower half of average. The thing that got me about the test though, was that it wasn't really practical everyday stuff with practical everyday applications. Nor did it take into account subjects I am really good at, it was a lot more generic. Give me a biology question and I can probably find it in there somewhere. Or a music question and I'm fine. But there were some questions I just could not get my head around. Ones that my ADHD means I just can't focus on- the one repeating numbers back to the assessor left my head spinning. My working memory is really poor. Can't find where I left my keys, but I can find some totally irrelavant but interesting fact on music or human biology for you...

I don't think you should let your results on that particular test take over. I don't think you're of low intellect if you're studying the subjects you are or helping with your bf's appeal. Someone with low intellect is not going to study dental biomechanics or genetic immunology for their own enjoyment. Do not give up on your interests you are passionate about for the results of a single test.