what a ruined mind bpd

nothing makes sense. i can never decide. takes me weeks to decide something on amazon to buy. n then once i have it. takes me weeks to decide if i want to keep it or return it.
n this is for something like vests or t-shirts

have a pathetic career where i can barely function. i'm 33. a loser. no confidence at work where i'm barely managing before they fire me.

doing entry-level job.

still i dont know what to do in life. engineering-->writing--> back to engineering. just haywire in terms of career.
no friends. weekends are spent in room lying alone.

i dont see point in going for walk just to put one foot before the other.
everything is pointless. i see my life going by and all i can do is watch.

i drag myself to work. walk with head bowed down as if something shameful i've done.

while my classmates are all in super-successful positions.

i used to be good academically. now i'm a living corpse with a #######5 career. i wish death just strikes me somehow. the sooner the better.

Hey Jaus,

I want you to know you're not alone with these thoughts and feelings. Plenty of people out there who struggle making something of their life even without any circumstances making it more challenging for them.

Right now, you lack motivation, and that's understandable. You've got a lot of things you're unhappy with. My advice is to focus on the things that are going well in your life. You may not like your job, but you do have a job. That's at least a little good.
Aside from focusing on the good things, it's helped me to make smaller goals for myself. Instead of saying "I'll find a job today", I started saying "I'll look online for things that interest me". That puts much less stress on you and helps you feel more accomplished because you are more likely to achieve what you set out to do.

Hope my advice helps you forward. You got this and allow yourself to vent.

Take care.

~ Grey/Knight

Thanks for replying.

I want you to know you're not alone with these thoughts and feelings. Plenty of people out there who struggle making something of their life even without any circumstances making it more challenging for them.

tbh this doesnt help much.
sure there are people with worse lives but it doesnt really help. i've sort of reached the stage where there's radical acceptance of the fact that my life IS ruined.
i still cant get over the narc abuse. my addictions.
i'm not into abuse now. but the memories are full of shame. n there's so much regret.

Right now, you lack motivation, and that's understandable. You've got a lot of things you're unhappy with. My advice is to focus on the things that are going well in your life. You may not like your job, but you do have a job. That's at least a little good.
Aside from focusing on the good things, it's helped me to make smaller goals for myself. Instead of saying "I'll find a job today", I started saying "I'll look online for things that interest me". That puts much less stress on you and helps you feel more accomplished because you are more likely to achieve what you set out to do.

Hope my advice helps you forward. You got this and allow yourself to vent.

thanks. earlier i was hoping something good will come out of this. but now i realize nothing good will ever come out of this bpd.

its a curse that ruined my life.
Take care.

~ Grey/Knight

Hey Jaus,

I hope you're hanging in there still.

I understand there's not much that can be said that'll make you feel better right now. I've had these times where I'm just too far into my own sorrows that I can't see the trees in the forest anymore so to speak. Everything you feel is so overwhelming and you know it's more than what others feel and that makes it worse because then you feel like you're not allowed to feel what you feel.

Believe it or not, these feelings are also your gift. Good can come of it if you use it right. You can relate to people like no others. You can be endlessly creative. You just need a little help to get there.

Big hug, if you want it.

~ Grey/ Knight

I understand there's not much that can be said that'll make you feel better right now.

Earlier i would think that a bad news about former friends, that knowing that they are regretting their life decisions would cheer me up. would help me fix good about myself.

but it doesnt.

I've had these times where I'm just too far into my own sorrows that I can't see the trees in the forest anymore so to speak. Everything you feel is so overwhelming and you know it's more than what others feel and that makes it worse because then you feel like you're not allowed to feel what you feel.

it just feels pointless. like the leg has been chopped off. no matter how much i sulk or regret or rant, it wont grow back
and even after 10 years if it grows back, i'm never gonna get back those 10 years.
sure 'one mustnt further ruin time. dont further ruin your life'

but i lost the past 10 years of my career. it's 10 years. not 10 days.

Believe it or not, these feelings are also your gift. Good can come of it if you use it right. You can relate to people like no others. You can be endlessly creative. You just need a little help to get there.

True. i agree with this. but its like comparing two different things.
being able to relate to others doesnt help with the fact that my life is a mess n it couldve been safe

i know you mean well. but its like: so what if u dont have legs, you got an extra set of kidneys

i also realize that when we imagine. we imagine a perfect life. but this is just horrible.

Hello Jaus.

Life can be very difficult to make sense of. Many of us struggle with what is known as an identity crisis at some time or other, where we question our lives, our purpose etc.
Regarding clothes:
I think many of us have wardrobes that contain clothes that have never been worn, I know I do. The charity shops are full of them.
what I'm trying to say here is that the majority of people who own clothes that they never decide whether to wear them don't see themselves as someone who is not a worthy person etc.
Sometimes, as people, we are just indecisive. Some days, I can't even figure out what I fancy eating.
As for having a pathetic career. This is what society has led you into believing. I personally feel that every person who is in a position of being work is a vital piece of the economic machine. Without people such as yourself, other people would struggle to function also. i.e:
Imagine the shops with no cleaners, no shelf stackers, no pickers no packers, no bar staff etc. These are all stereotypical labels that are given by people who feel they are much worthy of recognition. These labels are truly flawed in my view.
Sounds to me like you have a plan to do something you feel more comfortable with, i.e. engineering, but you just lack the confidence to dive in and make those changes.
This could change soon for you.
A friend of mine was struggling with mental health issues for a long time. One day, everything changed. She decided to start studying for a career in mental health and has now been offered a job as an occupational therapist. What I'm saying here is, don't give up on feeling that your life has a chance to change for what you consider to be better. I had to encourage my friend to believe in herself when the stress of studying became a little too much, when she struggled to believe in herself.
She's now where she prefers to be in life.
anyway,
I'm hoping my words may encourage you to believe in yourself as well.

barry h wrote:A friend of mine was struggling with mental health issues for a long time. One day, everything changed. She decided to start studying for a career in mental health and has now been offered a job as an occupational therapist. What I'm saying here is, don't give up on feeling that your life has a chance to change for what you consider to be better. I had to encourage my friend to believe in herself when the stress of studying became a little too much, when she struggled to believe in herself.
She's now where she prefers to be in life.
anyway,
I'm hoping my words may encourage you to believe in yourself as well.

thanks for the reply.

its just that:
in 2014 when i left my 1st job, someone on this forum had told me: plz dont leave. i know right now it feels relief but in the long run you will regret it.

n she's right.
now after 9 years the regret of leaving that job only grows.
i am working now. i wont leave this job. but i couldve been in a much more stable position. with friends.

it couldve been much easier.

I understand Jaus.
All of us make decisions we regret.
I accepted a work position many years ago that actually contributed to making me ill.
Friends told me to leave because they could see it was making me ill more than i could see.
For personal reasons, i had no choice but to "stick it out."
It was a bad decision, but we all make the wrong decisions at times.
sometimes, things happen beyond our control.
From a positive perspective, It sounds as if you want to make changes, so you feel more fulfilled with your life. Seems Like, you do have a passion for change?
I feel you can do this.
You'll know when the time is right, it will just feel right, like it did with my friend.
She was down, but not out, now she's reaping the rewards.
Maybe you could see my friend as some kind of inspiration?

barry h wrote:I understand Jaus.
All of us make decisions we regret.
I accepted a work position many years ago that actually contributed to making me ill.
Friends told me to leave because they could see it was making me ill more than i could see.
For personal reasons, i had no choice but to "stick it out."
It was a bad decision, but we all make the wrong decisions at times.
sometimes, things happen beyond our control.
From a positive perspective, It sounds as if you want to make changes, so you feel more fulfilled with your life. Seems Like, you do have a passion for change?
I feel you can do this.
You'll know when the time is right, it will just feel right, like it did with my friend.
She was down, but not out, now she's reaping the rewards.
Maybe you could see my friend as some kind of inspiration?

my therapist had said: when we look at past we only imagine the positive stuff. we dont account for accidents that couldve happened in the alternate reality as well...
the advice doesnt help though..

life couldve been better.

do i have passion for change?
no

i spend my days watching videos on narcissism abuse whenever i am free from work.
it doesnt give any aha moment. i just feel sad when i realize how narcissitic were the people i was surrounded with.

n narcissitic is like kryptonite for bpd

I too have done a lot of research into narcissism due to a family member's very toxic, destructive behaviour. Books and online videos.
It's taught me a lot about how to approach certain types of people, how to protect myself from any other forms of behaviour that could be problematic to my own mental state.
i don't know.... Maybe you could take some positivity from the fact you are increasing your knowledge of certain types of disorders as well?
i, personally, take positivity from the fact that I can spot forms of manipulation before others are even aware of it happening. Maybe you could take some positivity from that also?
I mean, being "one step ahead" is good....right? That's an advantage, especially to someone such as yourself who seems to be focused more on any disadvantages you feel you may have.?
When we scrutinize ourselves as people, we are much more worthy than we believe ourselves to be.
I don't know how you feel about helping others, but your knowledge regarding the subject could be helpful to others who are struggling to make sense of the behaviours attached to this condition or help those struggling with the condition to make sense of the ways they may be behaving towards others?
I feel, taking this into account, you have much to offer, not only to yourself, but to others as well.