trigger warning- narcissistic father

Hi, it's me again. this is kind of a vent but also, I'm asking if this is justified thinking or if it's just me looking for someone to blame for how I turned out.


My father is a narcissist... he has bipolar and schizophrenia. also known as schizoaffective disorder. of course, I never knew that until I was older. my mom got pregnant with me after dating my father for only 2 months. as soon as they found out about me, they got married at the courthouse 3 days later. my mom still had no idea what kind of person he was. that was until he started to get violent with her while she was pregnant. my life was screwed from conception it seems. I spent the entire first 15 years of my life fearing him. I witnessed and endured so many things that I'm pretty sure I'm not even allowed to say on this site. Hes not the only one I had to fear though. his mother, who I lived with from 7-12 years old was almost worse. she hated me because I wasn't skinny or a boy. my father was in and out of prison for beating on women. yet cps never helped us, they acted like I was lying. I was the only child willing to speak up. eventually I gave up on trying to get out at around 12 and that's when my anger and defiance started to kick in. that's really when I remember the BPD starting to surface. their answer was to stick me in a mental hospital, let them "fix me". it only made it worse though because then I knew they really didn't care about me at all. after the first hospital they signed over guardianship to my mom's mother, who is my favorite grandma. but I had to continue to see my father after he was released from prison. I remember hiding in the school library because I was so scared of him. he had a new family, which only lasted about 3 years before he was sent back to prison for the same thing. I was in my 6th mental hospital when my little 11-year-old brother texted my mother a picture of my father being put in the back of a police car. this was not really a hospital setting; I was in a residential treatment center because they told us it was my last option. the next 2 years he stayed in prison, I was happier. when he got out, I was 17 and he couldn't really make me see him at that point. I stupidly decided to give him one last chance. I think I really just wanted to see if he had finally changed. but the truth is he never will, so I decided to go no contact with him on February 6th, 2022.


I blame them for the way I am, I see him in me every day and I can't handle it. I look just like him, act like him. why did he do this to me? I could have been a normal person. I wouldn't have to see my baby brother turn out like him either. they are twins, down to the way they talk and think. It's a big reason why I change my appearance so often, because I can't stand it.

I remember one day when me and my mom where at the gym and we had been talking about the past. she turns to me and says, "I understand if you blame me". I never blamed her for a second, she is a survivor just like me. she still celebrates every year on the anniversary of the day she finally got out. she is the strongest woman I will ever know, so no, I don't blame her, I am proud of her.

I blame him. I always will. they used to tell me I had to love him, but I hate him.


I'm very sorry that this was so long, I've been struggling with trauma and self-hatred for a long time now. and when I found this place, I wanted to get it all out to see if it would help.


thank you for listening.

Sure it's justified to think like that. It's your story anyway.
It's also a pretty good first step, to see the cause.
The next step is to integrate it into a positive for you.
The danger is to integrate it badly and let it drag you down.
Then you will have to deal with the bad habits you took to protect yourself, some of them might be too entrenched to change entirely which will cause social problems.
It's good you have one parent you can relate to, it should help so that's the good news.