What the hell is wrong with me?! *TW*

*trigger warning*

Before I go on my little big tangent, I would just like to state that English is not my native language so please forgive me if some of the things I say are grammatically incorrect or just plain wrong.

Gosh, where do I start. I think I'll start with my childhood because I've felt different ever since I've had an episodic memory, that is ever since I can remember things.
With different I don't mean special or unique, just different, off, weird, like I didn't belong, there were times where I didn't even feel human.
I had quite a temper and strong emotions I was unable to control. At home I was regularly roughed up by my grandad and my behaviour didn't even truly matter. This taught me a lesson early on, it doesn't matter what I do, whether I misbehave or not, I will always receive the same punishment.
The emotional abuse hurt more to be honest but I kind of got used to it, I built up this huge wall around me so he couldn't hurt me anymore.
My dad had fled the country because he stabbed someone, apparently people say I look and act a lot like my dad even though I've never met him. I doubt that's a compliment, in all sincerity.
My mum is very volatile, I know she loves me but she's so focused on her own mental anguish that she cannot empathize with me or be there for me, she left me when I was six, my grandad as messed up as he was, was the only one who at least tried to take care of me.
That's why I have a weird association concerning love. To me love is to be abused and abuse because that's all I've ever known.
As I got older and started dating that is what I did to the women I loved, one day I would hold them in my arms and love them so much that I thought I was going to explode due to the elation, the next day or rather the next moment I'd hate them so much that at times it got physical and at rare instances I even wanted to kill them, however I always managed to stop myself from causing serious physical harm.
Afterwards I felt very guilty, in fact I am drowning in guilt as I'm writing this.
I've seen several therapists over the years and they gave me the tools by virtue of which I could get my life together, but I failed. I failed to use said tools, I am still the same emotionally unstable, pernicious little prick that I was over 20 years ago.
I am 29 years of age now, next year I'll turn 30, that is, if I'll still be alive then.
I've tried killing myself several times, sometimes it was a cry for help. I guess that could be subsumed under the term "parasuicide", there were "only" two instances where I tried it seriously and I almost succeeded once (polydrug overdose) but was rescued by my now ex gf and woke up in the ICU.
I also fantasize a lot about hurting other people, especially women, *mod edit* because once the woman is dead I know she can't hurt me. I'm always in fight or flight mode whenever a living being gets close to me, I guess you could say I'm severely traumatized.
I try my best to stay away from drugs because they disinhibit me. I cut myself every now and then to either feel something or to numb myself when I feel like drowning in my own emotions.
I also have fantasies of going on a killing spree, *mod edit*, I don't have a particular victim in mind nor do I hate anyone specifically, I just hate society as a whole, I feel as though my whole existence was a huge accident and no one wants me or loves me.
I suppose that rationally speaking this isn't true but we are not rational creatures but rather emotional ones and so am I and on an emotional basis I feel worthless and unloved.
Lately my mental health has been declining rapidly, I have isolated myself, I keep punching holes in the wall, screaming and imagining it was someone's head. I sometimes laugh manically for no apparent reason, I even laugh as I cut myself although it's anything BUT funny.
A friend visited me a couple of days ago and she was freaked out by my behaviour and the way my apartment looked, I am usually a very clean and neat person, I like things to be tidy, but this is not the case anymore, I have also written strange stuff all over the walls during my drug binges, the most common word is "kill". I feel like something is taking over me, I am losing touch with reality and slowly but surely going insane.
Mayhap I am insane already, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist just a week ago and told her about my homicidal (and suicidal) urges and that they become increasingly more difficult to control yet she didn't take me seriously at all, she said I just have a vivid imagination.

BUT I DONT WANNA IMAGINE MYSELF KILLING PEOPLE ALL THE TIME YOU STUPID SHRINK DONT YOU GET IT?! ITS TEARING ME APART.

I feel guilty just thinking about it, the only thing that keeps me from killing myself are my two lovely cats, I think they can sense I'm in a lot of pain they always come to cuddle and I love holding them, I've always loved animals because they have never hurt or slighted me in any way.
They are the only two beings that I truly love without switching back and forth between love and hate, I wish I could treat a girl the way I treat my cats, then she'd stay and be happy methinks.

It's not the women's fault that it never works out, it's all my fault, I am a failure, I cannot form stable relationships, yet at the same time I need a woman in my life thinking it will fix me but no woman can fix me only I can fix myself... in theory that is for I fail to do so.

I just hope this is all over soon, life is nothing but pain in my case and it's all I am capable of giving.

I hate myself and want to die...

Hello and welcome!

First off, if you hadn't told us English is not your native tongue, I'm not sure anyone would have known.

Bordopath wrote: I had an appointment with my psychiatrist just a week ago and told her about my homicidal (and suicidal) urges and that they become increasingly more difficult to control yet she didn't take me seriously at all, she said I just have a vivid imagination.

BUT I DONT WANNA IMAGINE MYSELF KILLING PEOPLE ALL THE TIME YOU STUPID SHRINK DONT YOU GET IT?! ITS TEARING ME APART.

Well, at least they have faith in you that you can control your thoughts, yes?

While I realise these thoughts can come from a place of anger, or other issues, and there's a difference between intrusive thoughts, and fantasies of killing (and I've occasionally indulged in the latter- it's not intrusive, if I savor the idea, after all....) I'm OCD with a particular emphasis on intrusive harm thoughts of killing those closest to me. From that point of view, I've learned not to let those thoughts bother me, because I have no reason to think I'll act on them. I never have.

If your therapist has faith in you that you're not going to kill anyone, perhaps you might have more faith in yourself? I am not my thoughts. You clearly don't like thinking these thoughts- they are not you. For me, I get an intrusive harm thought, and I've learned to ignore it and don't dwell on it. It soon passes.

But that's just me- being OCD, I tend to glom on others' behaviors here that have an OCD air about them. That's not to say that's what's going on here, just that I know what helps me not glom onto harm thoughts and dwell on them.

Bordopath wrote:I cut myself every now and then to either feel something or to numb myself when I feel like drowning in my own emotions.

Don't forget we also have a Cutting & Self Injury forum, if you need to talk about that!

Bordopath wrote:I feel guilty just thinking about it, the only thing that keeps me from killing myself are my two lovely cats, I think they can sense I'm in a lot of pain they always come to cuddle and I love holding them, I've always loved animals because they have never hurt or slighted me in any way.

I'm glad to hear you have something holding you back- you are their world. Don't lose sight of that.

Bordopath wrote: I cannot form stable relationships, yet at the same time I need a woman in my life thinking it will fix me but no woman can fix me only I can fix myself

Very true- no person can fix us- it's up to us to seek the help we need, to fix ourselves. Having a partner has not 'fixed' me, in the least. It didn't cure me of my hangups, in the least.

Also I think it's very true that to love others, we have to love ourselves.. to an extent, anyway. We can't look to another person to magically bring up happiness.

Try to hang in there.

Firstly, thanks for your kind and understanding reply, you made me feel less like a freak (I often feel like a total freak).
I have been feeling a little better during the past two days, but I'm already taking it to the extreme again. Now I want to go outside and date women again, I don't wanna think about my ex constantly, but I'm still to unstable, yet there's this need for connection.
My homicidal urges are currently not there neither are my suicidal ones, but this can change rapidly.
My family reached out to me and are paying for all the property damage I caused during the last episode. I said I want to pay it on my own because I have to take responsibility for my actions.
Oddly enough some family members now as they get older see what they have done to me and I guess the feel guilty, so if I were to be mean I could always play the "guilty trump card" and make them pay for everything for they are quite wealthy.
I don't have a job, I feel too incompetent to do this, I'm just drifting through the city chatting people up when I'm inebriated, I live next to a drug facility, they seem quite lonely at times so I sit on a bench next to them and just talk or rather listen to what they have to say, I think they need this, need to be heard, that is in a way my "little job". It gives me a positive feeling when I can make others smile and laugh and most of them are such beautiful souls, they were just heavily abused. I can relate to that pretty well.
I have to be careful myself though, I used to have a fentanyl phase and overdosed once, I haven't touched that stuff since then, but I still take benzos every fortnight because it numbs the pain and I feel free from anxiety and worry, at the same time I become more impulsive and resort to reckless spending. I've lost over 30000 euros in the past 5 years but I've also gained 80000 through online poker bitcoins etc.
So I'm doing ok money wise, it's just that at times I feel it's not even about the money it's risk taking behaviour too, gambling can be exhilirating and devastating, I've won a lot and lost a lot, but that's the way it is and I'm not blaming anyone.
I was thinking of doing a small time job as a postman, I'd rather work with animals but I'm too shy to apply. I just have to start working for once now, I've never had a job and I'm on the verge of 30, I need to mature, at the same time I'm scared of having an episode at work.
I don't harm others but I destroy objects, scream and throw a temper tantrum, I behave like a 4-year-old trapped in an adults body and it's embarrassing as hell.
Sorry for writing so much but it helps me to remain somewhat stable and share my thoughts here, this forums seems relatively non-judgemental, like a safe-space where you can openly express your feelings, wishes, desires, fantasies and so forth and I feel if we talk about them they don't take over.
If you talk about your fantasies, you release tension which stops you from living the fantasy, my therapist says the same.
Has anyone in here ever felt unreal, I feel unreal at times, like I don't exist, so I have to go outside and do something crazy to remind myself I still exist, that my actions have an impact on others, don't be scared it's nothing violent but rather... property damage, it's still wrong but whenever I see certain properties and I'm under the influence I can't help but damage it, especially if the house looks like the house I was raised, I always imagine a clone of my grandad sitting in there abusing his family, this is of course utterly nonsensical, but when I'm inebriated I'm not thinking straight, I have to stay sober and at times I manage it for months, but I always relapse (benzodiazepines and alcohol primarily, I've stopped anything else).
I'm really hoping my new mobile is going to arrive on monday, I need a mobile, most people I know have no clue what's going on and they know my history... I will have a lot of explaining to do.
The reason was stupid, I lost 5000 euro gambling but sitll made a 6000 euro win, so actually I could be content, I mean 6000 euro in 15 minutes, that's nice, but I always get greedy when gambling, I have to stop, I think I'll invest more into stock markets and cryptocurrencies.
The drug use has to stop also, it disinhibits me and I make stupid decisions that I would never do sober, I start calling ex gf flirting with them, I'm such a whore, I'm pathetic, I just wanna be loved you know... unconditionally :/

Sorry if I'm all over the place but I'm not exactly sober, I'm fine though, I just have to prevent myself from taking more, at the moment everything is in good order but the day is still long and if I keep popping pills on an hourly basis I will be a nutcase by tonight probably, not dangerous, just "off". I am not violent but I'm a burden to my surroundings and I feel bad for that.
I've also considered finishing my degree, but I feel inadequate to do so because of my low self-worth. I used to be somethwat dilligent during college but ever since I entered uni... I didn't get to finish anything.

I'm also curious how do other people struggle with this, how does your bpd manifest itself, what are your symptoms that you find hardest to control, how do you deal with everyday life, how do you feel? Do you have a support system? I'm extremely lucky to have one, I'd probably be dead by now if I hadn't (no joke, sadly).

I'll cuddle with my cats now, take care you wonderful people.