confessing to any future partner

Snaga wrote:

jaus tail wrote:I think you will need patience, and a willingness to roll with the punches. An understanding woman is out there. Might take some time to find her.

true. at times i wonder do i even want to get married... i dont mind living by myself forever.

As someone who waited a really long time- and had some expectations about a partner- I can tell you a few things I learned empirically:

- It doesn't 'make' you happy. If you're not already happy with yourself, while you might find you have a decent life with someone, it doesn't change you into a 'happy' person, if you're not already. That's something you have to work on yourself.

- Ditto that it might 'fix' you. No, no there's no magic pill in having a partner.

- Now, you have told me I think that when it comes to the things you did, that the desire is burned right out of you, yes? So that there's no same sex desires, correct? Make sure you're absolutely honest with yourself about that, because another thing it most definitely does not cure, is your sexual orientation. I'm Bi, so I was lucky that I could make a choice and be okay with it; but I thought the other side of me would just dry up and go away, like trying to ignore a schoolyard bully. No, it does not. It most certainly does not, what it will do, is that it will lie quiet a while, then sneak up and bite your ass. Statistically speaking, I've beaten the odds, by a country mile, because by the numbers, about 5-7 years into a mixed-orientation relationship, the one with the nonstandard appetite kinda gets stir crazy, and then the thing usually derails and implodes. Well, sure enough I was without a care in that department for about five years or so, then it hit me real bad. And it probably took at least that long again, for me to get out of this sense of hopelessness that I had from it. And for the record, I think for me that would run both ways: Doesn't matter what sex my partner is, I would have still struggled with desire for the other sex, regardless. At least, I'm pretty sure I would have.

Not saying it's not doable- I'm proof it is- but just saying that if there's any spark left in there, don't go into a partnership with the opposite sex, just expecting that spark of 'not straight' to go away. It might- I'm not saying we're all the same- but the statistics that I've seen (and my personal experience) argue against the likelihood of that other desire just disappearing. Which means you'll have to work, to keep yourself in the relationship.




But then, a partnership is a lot of work anyway- it's not all roses and cotton candy. It's bickering and being irritated with each other and extra worry- especially for the man (or at least a halfway decent man, IMO) because when it's just you, if you tend to be irresponsible or have difficulty with day-to-day taking care of business, it only affects you. But when you have a woman, well, I constantly feel as if I don't do a good enough job in those departments, and I feel anxiety because I'm not just responsible for my well being, but for our well being.

Not trying to talk you out of it- without having a partner, you have no one to grow old with; no companion that you know is always around; no one to create memories with- and memories are a whole lot better, when there's someone else in them. My best memories, are going to be of things I did with someone, not the things I did when I was alone. Someday, memories will be all a person has- if they're lucky, that is. Memories of experiences shared with a partner, will be good to have, I think.

But for those who have never been in one, be advised it's not the end-all, be-all, cure-all. That's just for the movies, I think.

Maybe, for now, you should just focus on the here and now. Don't overthink it. A lot of the things you've talked about are things that should just happen naturally as any relationship grows and you get to know each other. You don't need to tell them anything unless and until you feel ready As for marriage I am sure you will know when the time comes whether you want to be with that person forever etc. You don't have to decide now.

- It doesn't 'make' you happy.
- Ditto that it might 'fix' you. No, no there's no magic pill in having a partner.

yeah true. which is why i'm treading slowly. i mean i got the job now. it didnt solve anything as such but i'm glad i'm working. life would've been miserable if i were unempliyed.

likewise in dec 2020, i joined gym. it didnt solve anything but i'm glad i went.

the difference with marriage is that it involves someone else's life as well. thus i'm more careful.

Now, you have told me I think that when it comes to the things you did, that the desire is burned right out of you, yes? So that there's no same sex desires, correct? Make sure you're absolutely honest with yourself about that, because another thing it most definitely does not cure, is your sexual orientation.

not really. i still have urges thus i was like: better be honest with partner that hey i'm bi.

I thought the other side of me would just dry up and go away, like trying to ignore a schoolyard bully. No, it does not.

oh.. didnt now that. i thought they'd die away if i dont think of it.

Statistically speaking, I've beaten the odds, by a country mile,

this is good. wish i had beaten the odds too.

Doesn't matter what sex my partner is, I would have still struggled with desire for the other sex, regardless. At least, I'm pretty sure I would have.

okay.
i dont want to end up like married to a woman and discreetly having same-sex encounters.

It's bickering and being irritated with each other and extra worry- especially for the man (or at least a halfway decent man, IMO) because when it's just you, if you tend to be irresponsible or have difficulty with day-to-day taking care of business, it only affects you. But when you have a woman, well, I constantly feel as if I don't do a good enough job in those departments, and I feel anxiety because I'm not just responsible for my well being, but for our well being.

yeah.. i wouldnt want to wreck someone else's life too.

Not trying to talk you out of it- without having a partner, you have no one to grow old with; no companion that you know is always around; no one to create memories with- and memories are a whole lot better, when there's someone else in them.

yeah this is why. to have a companion cause life is lonely.

Memories of experiences shared with a partner, will be good to have, I think.

good memories would be better than regrets of loneliness.

But for those who have never been in one, be advised it's not the end-all, be-all, cure-all. That's just for the movies, I think.

oh yeah... i realize. i just dont know. thus am going slowly.

Maybe, for now, you should just focus on the here and now. Don't overthink it. A lot of the things you've talked about are things that should just happen naturally as any relationship grows and you get to know each other. You don't need to tell them anything unless and until you feel ready As for marriage I am sure you will know when the time comes whether you want to be with that person forever etc. You don't have to decide now.

yeah true. right now i just have to be clean n stable. build my self esteem more.

i'm growing a creeper plant from cutting. the plant doesnt have to bear flowers right away. but it does have to get roots and start slowly.

jaus tail wrote:

Statistically speaking, I've beaten the odds, by a country mile,

this is good. wish i had beaten the odds too.

Well you won't know until you're in a relationship. I'm not sure what the data is on bisexual/straight partnerships, but gay/straight, the person seems to coast along for about seven years on average, the high of being in love with the straight partner enough to carry them; then it's a literal 'Seven Year Itch' and then the gay identity starts reasserting itself. And it does work exactly like that. I coasted along for about five or a little more, then the gay side of me really really started rattling its cage. I nailed down the lid and suffered until the worst of it was past me. But it's still always there.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed-ori ... n_marriage

jaus tail wrote: i still have urges thus i was like: better be honest with partner that hey i'm bi.

If being, or the thought of being, with another guy excites you- then I really don't think they can be completely purged from us. It's my understanding (from my favorite research on the subject) that male sexuality is empirically shown to be locked in by at the latest, 15 years old; probably sooner. Whether my pederast created, or merely awakened my fascination with the same sex, I don't know- but I was around 13 and it hasn't quit. And really to be honest, before that age I was doing things that I look back and think wow was that gay or what?

So once it's a part of us, I think it's stretching the limits to manage to just drop it. I've found that it can be ignored for a while, then it will come back to gnaw at you.

I've known women online with whom the idea of a bi man is okay? In day-to-day real life? Not so much? Maybe it's my generation, I don't know. Personally, I would consider a relationship with a bisexual woman to be ideal. Someone who truly understood. I've run into a few men that lucky, online- most, not so much. Which leaves the burden on people like us to just keep it in and... not express that side. And I even think a lot of partners suspect... but it's an avoided conversation.

If being, or the thought of being, with another guy excites you- then I really don't think they can be completely purged from us. It's my understanding (from my favorite research on the subject) that male sexuality is empirically shown to be locked in by at the latest, 15 years old; probably sooner. Whether my pederast created, or merely awakened my fascination with the same sex, I don't know- but I was around 13 and it hasn't quit. And really to be honest, before that age I was doing things that I look back and think wow was that gay or what?

i often wonder what my sexuality would be if the childhood were different.

So once it's a part of us, I think it's stretching the limits to manage to just drop it. I've found that it can be ignored for a while, then it will come back to gnaw at you.

okay. this is scary but thanks for telling me beforehand. yeah there's no such happy ending.
i thought getting a job would solve all my life issues. while i am in a better position than earlier but it still fixed me.

Personally, I would consider a relationship with a bisexual woman to be ideal. Someone who truly understood.

yeah true. i mean it's not like i want pity from any partner or i want to cheat on the partner.. but just acceptance for what it is.

Which leaves the burden on people like us to just keep it in and... not express that side. And I even think a lot of partners suspect... but it's an avoided conversation.

yeah true.

jaus tail wrote:i often wonder what my sexuality would be if the childhood were different.

I've often wondered that about myself. I'm not sure it would be different; but the fact that I can't know, is what I resent.

jaus tail wrote:okay. this is scary but thanks for telling me beforehand. yeah there's no such happy ending.
i thought getting a job would solve all my life issues. while i am in a better position than earlier but it still fixed me.

Not my intention to scare- I just wish someone had told me

jaus tail wrote:yeah true. i mean it's not like i want pity from any partner or i want to cheat on the partner.. but just acceptance for what it is.

that being in a relationship is not going to make the other desires go away. They do- for a while- but you can't rely on that, and it's better to know that now, and be expecting it, than for it to sneak up on you some years down the road.

jaus tail wrote:yeah true. i mean it's not like i want pity from any partner or i want to cheat on the partner.. but just acceptance for what it is.

Exactly. It's not that you want permission to mess around- it just gets old having to wear a mask all the time.