relapse, help...

I used to hang out here several years ago, a lot to do w my unstable relationships and fears about my then-FP. Well, that friendship has since turned into the most stable, best kind of friendship that even most normal people would rarely have. There's no drama anymore, and she's there for me in the best and worst times, and vice versa.

I've also considered myself not to have BPD for a few years now, because well, I did a lot of self-reflection and my rational and spiritual side won over and I never felt happier and more full.

There have been other people over time that I've attached to in various capacities, and mostly I've developed a sort of avoidant style so I don't get too hurt, or I've gotten over them and just kind of accepted carrying this sense of constant loss inside me, a sort of solitude (sad but not depressing, I don't know how to explain it).

Buuuut, I'd say my 'fp' right now is another person, new-ish, and since we are in such close proximity and because of the kind of bond we have it's hard to avoid some kind of emotional dependency. mostly it's been ok, but something happened recently that i for whatever irrational reason ended up with this rage and hurt and am misdirecting it on her (I haven't actually, just in my mind), and now every interaction we have or don't have is just an emotional minefield. it's destroying me, even though i have the rationality that i never had before, the feelings (of rage, of hurt, etc etc) feel so good to indulge in that it's hard to stop them. It's NUTS because I actually have a real, solid support system in the shape of my then-fp but all i can seem to focus on is the shiny new fp and the volatility of that...

Now what I CAN say this time is that I have the control (so far anyway) not to lash out or hurt anyone or act on my irrational hurt, so in that sense i've really grown, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it in full force. what, pray, do i do?

Sounds to me as if you've done a lot, accomplished such a lot in spite of your BPD. But there are always going to be triggers out there which turn up when you least expect them. Those are the times you might relapse. But just as you got through it then you will be able to do it now.

I don't know this person so anything I say is just general but it sounds to me like you need to distance yourself a bit from the new person. Emotionally at least. Spend time with others too. You know where this leads. So do somethig now before you get to that stage. Knock them off the pedestal, or de-shine them. Doesn't mean you have to end the relationship just tell yourself you are not going there this time. These feelings will change. And right now you do have a choice. As to how far you let this go. Know yourself as they say. And ask whether all that drama and volatility is really worth it?

Anyway I hope you manage to sort things out, one way or another.