BDP Teen, Narc parents HELP

Edit:

TW: Self-harm and various impulsive, auto-destructive behaviour.


Hi,

I think the younger daughter of my girlfriend's family is BPD (I'm still a psych student but she shows lots of symptoms). Her parents are NPD and they did everything possible for the younger to have conflict with her older sister (my girlfriend).

She doesn't know how to deal with anxiety, frustration or any negative feeling, and ends up cutting herself in an attempt to feel heard (sadly that's the moment where the narc parents will give her the most attention, which converts this in a vicious cycle), but also makes her boyfriend to feel pressured to do what she wants (their relationship is virtual and have different time zones which makes him difficult to be available when it's midnight here since it's 2a.m. there) despite having his own problems at home.

My gf and I have talked several times over the years with the parents, since we noticed they didn't have any structure in her life (didn't made homework, neither chores, no boundaries to be respected, etc.) and this caused her to be more and more impulsive (she did tabacco, drugs, alcohol, send intimate photos to "friends", tried to have romantic relationships with married men, etc.)

She went to several therapist but the parents and the girl both hide those things that are the most important parts, and the parents tried to deal with her problems by buying her whatever she wants whenever she has a breakdown (which also cause her to do impulsive shopping since she has the card of the parents in her phone).

We tried telling them to create a schedule so she could do things in the day so she could focus on other things, we told her to write a diary of sorts so she could be able to vent whenever she felt overwhelmed, tried to let her know about boundaries and why they're important for her and for others... But the parents don't let us (since we're seen by them as the "bad ones").

Right now the girl is doing a big regression, she can't be refused if she wants her mother to bath her, or to treat her as a baby (she literally said this, and if the mother doesn't feel like it, she cries -sadly in a way they spoiled her to the point they can't refuse what she demands-).

None of these things will help her for her future, she's about to be considered a "legal adult" (18 y/o) but isn't autonomous in basic stuff.

I already told the parents that treating her as a baby won't help her, since she needs to learn (even with baby steps) how to deal in a healthier way with her emotions, how to boost her self-confidence by feeling more self-sufficient, how to communicate her needs assertively and also respect other boundaries.

How can we do something so this doesn't end up in a tragedy? Being completely honest I don't know what else to do, the mom criticize the younger about her looks and what not and we tried several times to stop her from doing that but the younger is attached to her anyway (the mom does the love-bombing then degrading thing, the dad allows her to do the whole thing and just intervenes when the younger is in crisis to be seen as the saviour but still low-key normalize the mom's behavior).

Do any of you had narc parents? What helped you to break free from the cycle? What helped you to feel more in control of yourself, your emotions, your life? What's the best thing to do when you're in crisis, fearing abandonment?

Thank you so much already and sorry if I didn't myself clear, my english is a bit rusty.

So reading this my first thought was....you need to be careful diagnosing other people like that. Whilst their behaviour might suggest one disorder, their thinking, the reason they act that way etc might be very different. You are also dealing with the youngest child, and people's place in the family can affect this and someone who is only just about to be an adult. Certainly you shouldn't be diagnosing anyone until you have finished your studies and are qualified to do so.

My family all have mental health issues of one kind or another. My mother is particularly difficult. In the end I broke off all contact with her. So it might well be that the changes you hope for can't happen until she is independant of her parents. That will happen in it's own time. As you age it gets easier to manage your symptoms. Outwardly anyway. No one diagnosed me until I was 39 and it took another 10 years for them to get the right diagnosis. I'm 53 now.

What helps? Having support. Real support and not lectures. And acceptance of who she is not what everyone thinks she should be. The parents are never going to change who they are so there is no point in trying to talk to them about their behaviour. You will only cause bad feeling. And the young lady, encourage her to speak to a professional if she needs or wants to. Don't go diagnosising her with something she may not even have. She's the youngest and she's about to become an adult in a pretty messed up world. There is so much going on at that age that this may simply be a question of time. Just be there for her if she needs you. As a friend not a psychologist.

Hi, thank you for your reply.

These days she had several crisis so I couldn't reply any sooner. For the same reasons, she's virtual appointments with psychiatrist and psychologist, who diagnosed her with BPD.

Sadly after this I'll have to close the topic because, at this point, there's nothing we can do (my girlfriend and I) since we've threatened.

Thank you again for your reply.