She’s really gone...I’m drowning

My wife of one year left me 6 weeks ago. I have BPD. We were each other’s best friends for 5 years before we got married. I have been so lost, so empty in so much pain it’s unbearable. I’ve already spent a week in the hospital after a suicide attempt. When I got home she would text me to check on me and see how I was doing. How the dog was. How a job interview went etc. this all kept me hopeful. All my time and energy was spent in extreme hope she still wanted me and it would work out to checking my phone a thousand times a day hoping for word from her. When I realized she did a change of address and told me not to put her on my health insurance I finally swallowed the fact that she really is gone and we are over.

When this knowledge came to me (a week ago) I shut her cell phone off (it was on my account) changed my phone number, deleted my email account (I’ve used for 15 years) permanently deleted my Facebook account and any social media and messing service I have ever had all without telling her before I did it. I have completely redecorated my entire apartment (mostly with depression related art) the entire color scheme and feel of the place to where it barely looks like the same place. I even got a new bed. She literally has no way to contact me short of showing up as I can’t move right now.

It’s been a week now and instead of feeling any relief I actually feel worse. I break down in huge crying spells several times a day every day still, I still hold out hope..... today is Christmas Day. It was supposed to be our first Christmas together as a couple. I volunteered to work (a job I took after she left and doesn’t even know I have) I payed in bed and cried the entire 5 hours after I woke up before I had to come in to work. I feel as if I’m drowning. Like this sorrow, this pain is swallowing me down to a place I will never recover.....I’m so lost

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this. What you're experiencing is grief. And it is possibly one of the most painful things anyone can go through. Being Christmas isn't going to help much either. Everything feels so much worse when it happens at Christmas.

I wish I could offer some practical advice but I doubt there's anything anyone could say that would make you feel better right now. Grief also has a habit of taking it's time. Just as you think you're doing better wham something else comes back to remind you. But you will get through this. In time you may even feel ok about it.

What i would say if you find yourself struggling then reach out to someone. I know it's hard with this whole pandemic thing going on but there are people out there who can help. Doctors, mental health people. Try and find some support if you can from friends and family.

The advice they give you here in the UK - if you fall into the sea rather than struggling and flailing about trying to swim to the shore you shoudl lay on your back and float. Keeps you alive until help gets there. Which I know sounds a stupid thing to say but right now all you can do is just accept it and go with it. Let the people who care about you help. Ring your GP or therapist or whoever once Xmas is over. You're not drowning, you're floating. Until help arrives.

It will take time. There's no getting past that and no fast forward button either. But you will get through this. So don't give up.

What RR said- it can seem so hopeless, in the moment. But when time passes, not so much. Try and hang in there. Think about redecorating again, less depressive in your choices.

Remember also, that I always look at it this way- what would you rather have, someone who didn't want to be with you? Or them out of the way, opening the door someday, to someone who does? The latter hurts, but I'd just as soon rip the bandaid off. If my partner ever doesn't want to be with me, they are free to go.

She literally has no way to contact me short of showing up as I can’t move right now.

i dont think you need to cut all ties. if she wants to contact you, its her choice. even i used to think for others all the time. like she doesnt deserve me. i'm not worthy of my friends.

but if my friends want to stay in touch with me or invite me over, then that's their choice. its my choice whether i go with them or not. but i dont have a right to think for them.

It’s been a week now and instead of feeling any relief I actually feel worse. I break down in huge crying spells several times a day every day still, I still hold out hope..... today is Christmas Day. It was supposed to be our first Christmas together as a couple. I volunteered to work (a job I took after she left and doesn’t even know I have) I payed in bed and cried the entire 5 hours after I woke up before I had to come in to work. I feel as if I’m drowning. Like this sorrow, this pain is swallowing me down to a place I will never recover.....I’m so lost

i think its okay to be in grief. its not really easy to 'move on' right away. imagine the alternative where your wife has left you and you dont care.
crying means you valued the relation and now you're hurt. so its okay. we cry when we're physically hurt, we're not robots who dont feel pain when their leg gets hurt.

likewise its natural to cry when we're in emotional agony. it takes time, days, weeks, months to recover.. n even then there are relapses... i still miss my friends from years ago, but they've moved on. i think about them all the time, i wanted to get back with one of them but he didnt seem that interested. it hurt me and i thought of asking him again if we can meet up. but then i let it go. its not easy and feels bad.

what doesnt help me is:
quotes about move on
tips to move on instantly
tips on being happy in life

***

maybe let the wife be at peace and let yourself also be at peace. take care...