Emotional pain-Physical pain

A lot of family have trouble seeing that I am in pain because it is all emotional. They wonder why I cut myself sometimes but it is mostly to distract myself from the overwhelming wave of emotions that come up and just focus on the physical pain. Everyone seems to think it is manipulative and attention-seeking but I just want to feel relieved and actually feel in control of something. I feel mad because it seems like they don't understand when they get mad at me for doing these things. I really can't help it. I don't have self-control. All I know is "Do it." My emotions feel like they have their own mind and they override my brain system that I end up doing impulsive things which lead to guilty and shame. It is like a cycle that is so hard to break because it has been built up since I was little kid. I hate having to be a burden to my family and friends because I know I am in the way of their happiness and seeing them reminds me of that. Most of the time I can't stand to be alone because I am afraid of myself. Afraid of what i'll do to myself. Sometimes paranoid that I will be alone forever. I wonder if there are others like me out there because I don't know anyone else who suffers from BPD and it makes me feel alone while everyone around me is "normal"

with me its the family that's responsible for pain.

when i would go out with my friends they would wonder why i'm so depressed n sad n blank.

now i've stopped hanging out with them. i really cant put on some 'game face'. so its better to avoid the people.

auralia wrote:A lot of family have trouble seeing that I am in pain because it is all emotional. They wonder why I cut myself sometimes but it is mostly to distract myself from the overwhelming wave of emotions that come up and just focus on the physical pain. Everyone seems to think it is manipulative and attention-seeking but I just want to feel relieved and actually feel in control of something. I feel mad because it seems like they don't understand when they get mad at me for doing these things. I really can't help it. I don't have self-control. All I know is "Do it." My emotions feel like they have their own mind and they override my brain system that I end up doing impulsive things which lead to guilty and shame. It is like a cycle that is so hard to break because it has been built up since I was little kid. I hate having to be a burden to my family and friends because I know I am in the way of their happiness and seeing them reminds me of that. Most of the time I can't stand to be alone because I am afraid of myself. Afraid of what i'll do to myself. Sometimes paranoid that I will be alone forever. I wonder if there are others like me out there because I don't know anyone else who suffers from BPD and it makes me feel alone while everyone around me is "normal"

I think this is the most difficult part of EUPD, that our pain in not understood or so hidden from our past that our families cannot identify with it. Family is what is really required to counteract this disease, alongside the education that so many people suffer with it.

I understand the need to SH also, I know its not a good idea and I fight it because it is so misconstrued that its about us seeking sympathy, but its like they have leisure, or other pursuits. Unfortunately ours is this SH.

I am constantly alone even when around others, as I can not feel the love I need to quell that painful feeling, which scares me as it drives those away due to the actions we undertake. Its sad when you feel so invisibly invisible yet a burden if you move. chameleonish but no chameleon because all our emotions are on the outside.

It's funny we see babies born with their internal organs born on the outside and we feel an innate compassion in society. We are like those babies with our emotions on the sensory hairs of our skin. Yet their is such a limited amount for us.

I can understand the feelings but although I have a BPD diagnosis I have never self-harmed (am 53 now). I can understand why families would be so thrown by this. It is hard for them to understand why someone would do that to themselves. I do know the pain of BPD but to me it feels like "how does hurting myself help me?" Plus there's the fact I am a complete wuss of course. Self harm is just not my thing and I can't pretend to understand it all. But it is possible to have BPD and not self harm. Perhaps some of the techniques for distress tolerance in DBT might help you. And time.

Our experiences might be different but you're definately not alone.