borderline, autism, breakups.... a mess really

hi.

um, so, i'm gonna try to organize this a bit, so i'm gonna explain first how things manifest themselves, why i'm here and just... how ###$ up i feel at the moment. here goes nothing..

basically, i've been through a few diagnosis in the last six years. eating disorders, anxiety disorder, major depression, and also that i'm a high potential belonging on the autistic spectrum, so... most likely Asperger. a few years ago though, a few psychiatrists started diagnosing me with BPD. i hated it, i couldn't stand the thought of it, so i bailed and never came back every time. i don't have the support of my family when it comes to this, because they firmly believe that if i'm on the autistic spectrum and everything, then i can't have BPD. and i just... it doesn't help. at all. i deny a lot of things about myself, if my family does the same then i'm completely ###$. anyway..

what makes everything very difficult in the end, is that all the symptoms and traits overlap. it's too hard for me to keep up with what's going on inside of me because these two very distinct mechanisms are intertwined which leaves me with a lot of difficulties and overall... well... pain, ah ah ah. i'm hyperaware of everything and i'm in denial at the same time. everything is confusing.

anyway... what i mean when i say that they overlap =

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

i fear abandonment. i do. but i also isolate myself a lot. i don't like being with people, it exhausts me, i don't like talking unless i'm talking about something i'm highly interested about. and if i talk a lot and interact with people it's because i start having these thoughts, about how much they hate me, how much they think i'm boring, how much i mean nothing to them, how stupid and ugly i am.... etc. i get very paranoid and i compensate. it makes me sick. i end up dissociating every time because i put myself in sensory overload to be sure that people don't hate me, that they're not gonna talk about me when i leave, that they love me, that they WANT me in their lives. but at the same time... i avoid social gatherings, i don't go out a lot, i avoid people, i don't text back unless i have too. it's hard for me to keep in touch. and i know i manipulate people (unconsciously).

2.Unstable relationships.

my relationships are not stable. as i read somewhere (about autism mostly), i don't choose my friends, they choose me. i don't go out of my way, they come to me and i let them. my boundaries are completely messed up. i don't keep in touch that much because as i said, it exhausts me to be around people. but sometimes, when i choose someone, when i want to be friend with that person... ah. i get attached extremely quickly. my life starts revolving around them, i love and hate them, i sacrifice myself a lot, i invest myself emotionally until i feel completely empty. everything progresses very very fast. and then it breaks. it stops progressing and the way i see the other one completely shifts. i end up either completely pulverizing the relationship or being too much (i become overwhelming) to be sure they're not going to leave me behind. i want to be cruel, i get irrationally angry. it's just. confusing. example: a minute i love my sibling, and i want to hang out with them right now, they're the best person in the world and my soulmate, i wish they'd live forever.. and then suddenly i want to burn that bridge. cut them off. i want to be mean to them and hurt them as much as they hurt me in the past. i don't even need a clear trigger, it just.. happens. i know i'm confusing. i'm also delusional. i realize it once i'm out of that state. i put relationships and memories on a pedestal and i ignore the rest for a while, then reality hits me and it falls apart. i have massive commitment issues.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image.

i have an eating disorder. my sense of self fluctuates a lot. i'm hyperaware of everything yet i feel like i'm an imposter. i dissociate a lot. i have dysmorphia and dysphoria. i feel like i can feel my thoughts sometimes, it's painful and i get these intrusive thoughts about picking up an ice pick and stabbing my brain to make it go away. i don't know who i am. i tried multiple things in the past three years, different subjects in uni, different positions at work... it doesn't work. i go there because one day i'm excited and think 'THAT'S IT!! THAT'S ME!! MY PASSION' and they it comes crashing down and i realize i was wrong. i don't know who i am, what i want, what i'm doing. it feels like i'm an image on the tv screen when it buzzes. it's all grey and static, i appear and disappear, over and over again. intimacy is very difficult. it's blurry, i don't know where my boundaries are because it changes all the ######6 time. i know i don't let people too close because i can't. i don't know why. intimacy issues are fantastic.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.

i'm very destructive. almost every time i start building something, a relationship, a plan, i destroy it right before it can concretize itself. i need to be highly passionate about something to invest myself into it, and it almost never happens, so i do impulsive stuff. it's very random. i get irrationally angry, filled with rage. i get into verbal fights with people a lot. i feel like breaking things. and at the same time i can't move. i can't talk. i don't want to anyway. it's like i'm both frozen and filled with lava. i put myself in dangerous situations voluntarily. i let awful things happen to me. i got myself into a few accidents because i suddenly felt the need to feel something and luckily kill myself. and i also destroy other stuff. i make situations worse, relationships. because at the moment i feel like i need to destroy myself and things around.

5.Self-harm.

i used to cut myself a lot. i stopped when i started getting tattooed. relapsed twice though. but i still self harm, in other way. i *mod edit- detail removed*, i sometimes burn myself, i eat things that aren't good anymore, i binge or i starve myself. i put myself in situations where people get angry at me because i feel like i deserve to be treated like $#%^ at that very moment. i've been repressing the need to cut myself for a while now, but i really ######6 want to. i have a lot of suicidal thoughts. it's very random, not the extremely dark and desperate kind of thoughts. it comes and goes randomly. i'm doing something and i suddenly feel like killing myself. sometimes it's out of desperation too, though.

6.Extreme emotional swings.

it's horrible. i get angry, so ######6 angry, then i super excited about something, then I'm down, then i'm irritated, then i feel like doing a lot of activities, sports, then i'm exhausted, then i don't want to sleep at all. it stops when i feel empty, but when i do feel things it fluctuates too much and the tiniest thing can completely ###$ me over. my brain is in overdrive. it's like a hard drive that never stops turning. i can almost feel the fumes sometimes.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.

yeah. basically.. i bottle things up a lot and i dissociate. i don't even know why. i just do. i feel numb as ###$, it comes crashing down all of the sudden, then i feel numb again. i've been feeling either numb or full of rage for about three months now. and i completely broke down last night.

8.Explosive anger.

as i said before: i get irrationally angry. i'm hostile, i want to hurt people. it gets out of control very fast. but i mostly do things to myself. i bottle up a lot of it but what i let out is just... sigh. too much. i can't control it. i want to pulverize the other person. i want to scream until i pass out.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

yeah. it feels like i'm watching a movie a lot, and suddenly i realize that i'm the main actor. i don't know how to explain but it feels like i'm both very much there and not there at all. i feel like my brain is completely shattered. sometimes i don't know if something is really happening or if i'm imagining it. i just feel out of it. a lot. i just want to scream but it's like i'm stuck in my brain. i don't know. it's hard to explain.



and yeah. all done. (that post is... massive) (and i'm not even done yet) (yikes, sorry).

so now that you read all this... let's talk about why i came here in the first place... i tried to break up with my boyfriend yesterday. keyword being tried. it went well, i sent him how i really feel about our relationship, that i don't love him anymore, that i'm not ready to be in a relationship anyway, and that i don't want him to waste his time. he answered very politely and nicely. so yeah, it went well. too well. all of the sudden, it felt like i was about to die, i was completely breaking down, i was crying, my body was hurting, i got fever, i threw up. i started thinking that he didn't give a $#%^ about me, that he didn't care that i was leaving, that i meant nothing to him. i panicked. a lot. i couldn't breathe. it felt like him getting out of my life meant i had nothing left. i had, nothing left. so i texted him again to take everything back, told him i loved him, because i got overwhelmed by everything happening in my head. i know i don't love him. but at that very moment it's like i was living in the past, like i couldn't let go or i would DIE. i feel horrible. i'm scared to text him to explain because i don't want him to see me the way i see myself, i don't want him to think i'm ######6 crazy and to talk $#%^ about me, and i don't want to hurt him any more. i feel stuck. i'm scared. it's horrible. i feel disgusting. everything got overwhelming and it's like i had no control over anything anymore.

i hate it, i feel so messed up. i'm tired of being like this. i don't want to be me anymore.