Borderline

Im a 32yo Male who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed when I was about 20 something, not sure of exact age. I experience seasons of being well and unwell. Right now im in a season of being unwell and its horrible.

I have currently been physically unwell for the past 6 days with hand foot and mouth disease and have been off work for that long. This sickness has restricted me to my current residence, which is really depressing. I don't have the energy to go out and see people and I don't want to invite people over because I don't want them to get sick.

Im feeling really isolated. As much as I'd like to go back to work, im not well enough to. I have such little energy, my ability to concentrate is very small. Im moody and finding it very hard to see the good in life right now. Im really miserable to be honest. Whats the point of living if it just keeps coming back to this miserable place? I don't know what to do. Ive been in psych hospitals before. My psychatrist wanted to put me in one about 2 months ago, i agreed, but i didnt have private health insurance at the time. I now do but its something rediculous like a 6 month waiting period before I can use my health insurance for psychiatric reasons.
Part of me wants to live, the other part thinks that being dead would be better. Ive attempted suicide in the past. The most recent time, I was scarily close to death, I coculdve died, but something came over me, probably the fear of hell. I don't want to risk the chance of ending up in hell.
I remember times when I was happy. I did my training to become a SCUBA diving instructor. It was an amazing time. Doing things I never thought i could possibly do, teaching people how to explore the undwerwater world. Now ive ended up miserable again. Something about me has changed for the worse. Im not sure what it is. I have friends who appreciate me and honestly, that really confuses me and scares me. Scares me because in the past its friends who have hurt me so much. Intentionally and unintentionally, either way ive experienced things I wouldn't want anybody to have experienced, and they were all caused by people whom I considered to be friends or family. The whole notion of friendship scares me because of this. I believe the lie that im not worthy or good enough. I don't even know what worthy or good enough is. Everybody has a different view on everything. Nothing really matters does it?

I don't really know what I'm trying to achieve by posting this post. I think its mainly to get out of my mind and soul these thoughts and feelings that have been burdening me these last 6 days. I assumed this forum would be the most appropriate. If I were to post something like this on my social media account, it would cause a lot of unecessary distress to people. People I know will all scramble to say something helpful and positive. Some will say "praying for you!" As much as I'm a chrisitian and believe in Jesus Christ being my lord and saviour and prayer being a powerful thing, reading someone write that is pretty infuriating. Doesn't help me in any way, what so ever. And then if i were to tell them that, they would become upset.

I dont know what to do

Look man, you're really sick right now and you've been in a bad mood and you are identifying with your negative feelings too much. Right now you probably feel like $#%^ but you will feel better soon enough. I think one of the hardest things about BPD is that when you feel down you feel reaallllyyyyy down and you think that things will never be better, but that's bull $#%^ because they will. Hang in there, get some herbal remedies or some $#%^, maybe see a doctor or even hit up an inpatient if you have too (I would maybe be cautious if it interferes with your job too much), and just keep on living.You'll be all right I promise.