BPD partner’s jealously over mutual friendships

Hello all. I am a nonBPD who has been dating my BPD partner for almost ten years.

My partner always feels as if people like me better than they like him and quickly will disassociate with mutual friends because rather than “compete” he’d rather not try at all. That by his own admission. This has happened a handful of times over the past ten years and always goes very poorly and creates an awkward situation. It happened again recently. He is quite sure this friend is obsessed with me and was very angry I saw this friend at all because I would go and see someone who “treats him terrible”. In reality, this friend wanted to see both of us to give belated Christmas gifts to but since my partner has disassociated with this friend I had to go alone. Of course the friend has no idea that he has been split black and disassociated with, so I awkwardly have to lie to say why my partner could not also join us.

I know BPD comes along with a lot of jealously, and I also understand this situation is even worse because the jealously burns at two ends, jealously of me with the friend and jealously of the friend with me. However I truly feel as if my partner has painted this picture in his head of this friend being a terrible person (which I feel objectively is a stretch at best) to justify why he is acting so overly emotional about this. I feel like he’s trying to create a “if you really loved me you wouldn’t be his friend” mentality to manipulate me into not pursuing a friendship. The only reason this person is “terrible” to him is because he asks about me when they see each other and my partner feels like that means his friendship alone isn’t good enough. I do not exaggerate when I say that is the only reason given. I really think my partner has to vilify this friend in his mind to justify why he is so opposed to my being friends with him. I know my perspective isn’t 100% objective but it really seems like his perspective isn’t based in reality.

I know a lot of my partner’s perceptions are very skewed by his jealously and fear of abandonment but I also know they are HIS truths. Do I somehow validate these feelings he is having? I am beyond allowing myself to be manipulated but I also can’t help but feel bad he is so broken up about this situation. I know he doesn’t WANT to feel this way, but feels this way regardless. I was hoping I could get some perspective from you all here.

Thanks,

maybe do some thinking on what the underlying feelings and fears are behind these ideas and behaviours. read between the lines. surely you'll be able to find some valid feelings and fears that you're capable of validating. validation is ALWAYS incredibly important when you're trying to support someone with BPD.

Have you ever talked to him about this and tried to rationalize with him?

RamadanSteve wrote:Have you ever talked to him about this and tried to rationalize with him?

Yes but unfortunately to no avail. I am trying to avoid “JADE”.

What is JADE?

RamadanSteve wrote:What is JADE?

Jade is
Justify
Arghe
Defend
Explain

Most BPD experts state this is not an effective way of communicating with someone with BPD. You should state your feelings once, but then not get caught up constantly with JADE

I just looked into this and honestly I don't think you can apply this to everyone with BPD, it seems to be more applicable on people with narcissistic personality disorder anyway. Wether your S/O has a personality disorder or not, he is still a human who is unique, you can't just look to online forums to figure out what he truly feels deep inside. Even though he and I may have the same psychiatric clinical diagnosis doesn't really mean we feel the same way about every situation, but there are probably threads that tie our personalities together. That being said, I think that JADE might be a good thing on some levels, I think you'll be limiting yourself if you don't take the effort to justify your behaviors, just because he has BPD doesn't mean he's an innocent child and you have every right to take issue against behaviors in your relationship that you don't like.

RamadanSteve wrote:I just looked into this and honestly I don't think you can apply this to everyone with BPD, it seems to be more applicable on people with narcissistic personality disorder anyway. Wether your S/O has a personality disorder or not, he is still a human who is unique, you can't just look to online forums to figure out what he truly feels deep inside. Even though he and I may have the same psychiatric clinical diagnosis doesn't really mean we feel the same way about every situation, but there are probably threads that tie our personalities together. That being said, I think that JADE might be a good thing on some levels, I think you'll be limiting yourself if you don't take the effort to justify your behaviors, just because he has BPD doesn't mean he's an innocent child and you have every right to take issue against behaviors in your relationship that you don't like.

I appreciate your honest advice. As a bit of clarity on JADE, my understanding is it’s not that you don’t not JADE at all, you simply state it once and then let that be. JADE isn’t helpful when it just puts you in a perpetual circle stating the same things over and over and over.