Caught up in Guilt and Shame...obsessing again.

Im not sure if anyone will reply to this, but I needed to write this as I don't feel I can talk about this to anyone.
I went out with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, and he was talking to a school friend who was absolutely beautiful. The minute I saw her, I told my boyfriend how beautiful she was and that she was so much more then me. He disagreed and I didn't believe him of course but I almost needed to be told he thought I was better so I didn't feel like I wasn't good enough for him. I'm beginning to think I'm more narcissistic then borderline. I still think the lady is more beautiful and that my b.f preferred her looks.
Anyway on the same night his male friend was talking to us, and he asked who I thought was better looking out them. I explained I couldn't answer and that's because I didn't want to make his friend feel bad about himself because I would choose my b.f. I thought they were both good looking men that I couldn't compare but I prefer my boyfriend because I have a connection with him. The thing is my boyfriend asked me after an argument where I was telling him this girl was prettier then me, did I think he was more attractive then his male friend. I said yes, but I felt like I was lying. Because really I don't think I really felt anything to make that decision. I just feel ashamed that I expect the impossible from him. Am im scared i thought his friend was more attractive and this frightens me and makes me feel awful because that's the one thing that scares me that he may think that about that girl which means if he did I'm nothing. I'm not sure if I'm convincing myself of things, magnifying or overthinking. I was drinking at the time so my thoughts I can't clearly remember. I just distinctly remember I couldn't judge the two guys. God I'm so crazy. I just think I'm evil I really am evil.

You didn't do anything wrong, your boyfriend sounds like an insecure jackass

i want my friends to have me as their top priority. if i see them hanging out with their other friends or even chatting on watsapp with each other, i feel jealous. i've been like this for a really long time. even if i see their facebook pics with their other friends i feel jealous.

He can be abit of a jackass, like all of us. But he comes across as very secure. I guess I see it as if he finds someone else he has some kind of connection to better then me, I feel like I failed him in some way and am nothing. If it was a random person it doesn't seem to concern me as much or at all. As I'm fully aware we find others attractive

I wonder why you need to feel top priority, I guess my situation is the similiar. Have you been made to feel on many occasions like you wasn't a priority?

I've been made to feel on many occasions that I can't be something or have something because I'm not good enough In my looks.

hope1824 wrote:I wonder why you need to feel top priority, I guess my situation is the similiar. Have you been made to feel on many occasions like you wasn't a priority?

I've been made to feel on many occasions that I can't be something or have something because I'm not good enough In my looks.

I dont know why i need to feel top priority but i just want it that way. even if it's someone else's birthday i want all attention on me. i feed off on the validation n attention i get from others. dont know how to stop that. i've learnt it can be a tiring for others when someone wants all the attention always.