Needing validation?

Hello,

It was my birthday last weekend and I went out with my boyfriend, my friend, my boyfriends friend and his partner. Anyway, I hardly slept the week leading up to it and spent nearly nearly £900 on my credit card ordering clothes for my birthday night out. I got so worked up and felt so under pressure to look good for this night out. I didn't want to embarrass my boyfriend in front of his friend with my looks, or feel visually inadequate next to my beautiful friend, I hadn't met my boyfriends friend or partner before so assumed they would be stunning aswel so I freaked trying to find an outfit I would feel good enough to go in so i didnt feel self conscious- I never really found an outfit but after a day of having a melt down and nearly cutting up my clothes wanting to die, I got ready to go and felt reasonably pretty. Anyway when I was out, I noticed I kept looking at guys to see if they were checking me out, the more it happened the better I felt. I wanted men to look at me so I wouldn't feel so rubbish about myself, although I have no interest in these men and would not cheat or chat them up I find their compliments give me a buzz and enable me to feel better about myself for a longer period. I also forget how much I feel like I'm not good enough for my boyfriend. The thing is I feel so incredibly guilty for wanting this attention, if no-one pays me attention it confirms my darkest belief of how unattractive and not good enough I am. But I feel terrible towards my boyfriend because what he thinks of me I don't believe. After a few drinks and compliments I then think I'm beautiful and show off like I'm something special which also makes me feel ashamed....It's so odd. But it's left me feeling guilty like I'm a rubbish g.f and he deserves more then my attention seeking behaviour. I don't initiate anything inappropriate, I tell men I have a boyfriend and I cut conversations if they are as if I'm being chatted up.

-- Mon Nov 26, 2018 5:14 pm --

Why am I doing this and how do I stop? It makes me feel like a terrible person

-- Mon Nov 26, 2018 5:17 pm --

Also if my boyfriend behaved like that I wouldn't see it the same way, so I'm narcissistic and nasty