Struggling with shame/needing people too much

I’ve had self-esteem issues for ages but they seem to have suddenly become more pronounced. I feel like no one likes me, because I don’t like me. Anything nice they say about me I don’t believe, and I am reading proof into every interaction I have with people. I used to be bad with people not responding to messages quickly and I feel like this has become worse. I need people too much. I try and slip into conversation that I am struggling but I don’t always get much back, and this I take as further proof that no one likes me. Lately I’ve been trying to isolate myself and keep my problems to myself but I can’t. I have hours or a day where I keep it to myself and then I cave in and message someone and if they don’t reply within minutes I am filled with shame, imagine how annoyed they must be with me and I delete my messaging apps so I’m not tempted to send them any more messages. Every day I add them back and then message someone and then delete them again when they don’t immediately reply. I feel like I don’t deserve friends. I am too close to people I work with and I want to get a new job so that I can start again and keep things to myself and not make any friends. But I know I could never stick to that and knowing that makes me feel even worse about myself. Why can’t I be like those people who suffer in silence? I feel like they are good people and I am bad. I hate myself for it. I am ashamed of every interaction I have with people. I spend most of every day at work telling myself constantly in my head that no one likes me and no one cares and it makes me feel horrible.

My ex-manager is my favourite person and I thought I’d got over that but she’s only moved to another department and I see her all the time. Last week I was convinced my new manager didn’t care about me so I went running back to the old one but she told the new one I had done it. Thing is she told me she had done that because she was worried about me and that’s just made me miss her more. I miss someone caring about me that much. I can’t deal with seeing her around constantly knowing I can’t talk to her.

I haven’t told any of this to my wife as she is really struggling herself with her mental health and I feel I am selfish if I tell her I feel rubbish and that she won’t understand anyway, as she usually doesn’t. I feel jealous of her struggles, I want to be the one struggling, the one who has people worried about them. I am finding it hard to deal with her problems as well as my own. And I feel awful for thinking like that.

I’ve been through stress at work lately and an OCD flare up, could that have triggered this? I dont know how to get over this self-hatred and shame I have when I contact friends for help. I self-harmed for the first time in a while last night as I feel like I deserve it and I wanted to prove to myself that I need help even though I feel like no one cares anyway.

I'm going through similar feelings. I get so triggered by unanswered texts that I know I have to purposefully avoid my phone for hours in order to not suffocate the recipient with all my fears, thinking they'll never talk to me again, which -sadly- tends to bring about the rejection I'm so horrified of. I don't know why, but abandonment feels like utter annihilation. It feels like the whole entirety of my being has been dismantled and exposed as this pitiful nothing. Then goes all the awful self-talk: "Look, this is who you really are, they finally saw right through you, and they don't want anything to do with it." "You're toxic." "People are fortunate when they manage to avoid the chaotic and explosively emotional black hole you'll inevitably drag them into." And I can get stuck there. But we have to remember that changing the way we talk to ourselves is a major step in getting better. We have to have some kind of faith that rewiring our brains by insisting on being compassionate in the midst of our struggles WILL make a difference.

For what it's worth, you're blessed in being able to hold down a job and being able to maintain a relationship to the point of being married. Both ofthose things I'm sadly beginning to feel may be beyond my capacities at this time with out getting real treatment.

I used to text people long messages n then wait for their replies. Then i'd delete their numbers, then search for the numbers again n then i'd start the process.
it sucks. the feeling of unworthy eats me up. the loneliness is tiring.
and most of the times i dont even know what i want. i am a bundle of nerves. break into anxiety the moment i have to say anything n prefer to stay alone most of the time. n when i'm alone i look at old photos n wish i could go back in time.

i listen to music. cut fruits. go on walks to distract myself from loneliness. doenst work most of the time though.

Yeah it’s really hard for my brain to see anything other than rejection when someone doesn’t reply quickly to me. And the negative self-talk is indeed pretty bad. It’s hard to stop it when I believe it so strongly.

if the other doesn't reply soon.i want to burn bridges or devalue him emotionally.
And i have mood swings were i change feelings about the other sometimes and i don't remember how angry i was and i am annoyed and i want to burn bridges so i will stop changing feelings.

-- Mon Oct 15, 2018 9:17 pm --

Oh lol i also do that above where i am so angry when the other doesn't reply but then i freak out and i ignore messages because i feel overwhelmed

jaus tail wrote:I used to text people long messages n then wait for their replies. Then i'd delete their numbers, then search for the numbers again n then i'd start the process.

Man, I thought I was the only one who did this. I do this with friends, romantic interests, etc. It's like every time I send a text, I'm holding my breath waiting to see if I'm going to get an engaging response that shows we're still "good" or if I'm going to be ignored or get a short cold response that says I ###$ up. I shared too much. Got too emotional. Came across as too needy. Or whatever else scares people off. And if I don't get a response after a certain amount of time, or get a short one, I delete the text thread, because I don't want to be reminded of their short response (or them ignoring me) when I open on my messages. And often thats quickly followed by me deleting their number so that I can avoid texting them again and bugging them.

But it doesn't work. Because I go back into my phone bill and search for their number and text them anyway. I've done this so many times with certain people that I've now memorized their number from how many times I've looked it up and plugged it back into my phone.

Ugh. I hate myself just typing all of that. I sound like such a crazy person.

I would drive all of you crazy.
My response to texts or PMs or emails or other forms of communication is just random (unless it's clear that it's critical). I respond whenever I feel like it.
That could be right away. I've written all night long, back and forth, with people many times. Just did that with a member here, all night talking.
But then, I'll go days after receiving something, and not respond.
For no particular reason.
Sometimes it's work-related and I'm busy and then tired. But mostly it's just that I don't feel inspired to talk and so I wait until I do. And then I make contact.
If my delays upset someone, or make them angry with me, our relationship won't last. I won't be pressured to respond, and I also don't want to hurt anyone, so I usually just stop talking with them.

Eight wrote:I would drive all of you crazy.
My response to texts or PMs or emails or other forms of communication is just random (unless it's clear that it's critical). I respond whenever I feel like it.
That could be right away. I've written all night long, back and forth, with people many times. Just did that with a member here, all night talking.
But then, I'll go days after receiving something, and not respond.
For no particular reason.
Sometimes it's work-related and I'm busy and then tired. But mostly it's just that I don't feel inspired to talk and so I wait until I do. And then I make contact.
If my delays upset someone, or make them angry with me, our relationship won't last. I won't be pressured to respond, and I also don't want to hurt anyone, so I usually just stop talking with them.

I'm the same way. I would add that it feels pretty smothering/engulfing, and I have little tolerance.