BPD recovery advice?

Hello,

I am a 21 year old female in the UK who was diagnosed with BPD in June 2018.

To give some context, I have always been ‘sensitive’ since childhood, and was bullied a lot for being ‘weird’ and quiet when I was younger. I am naturally introverted and was always content spending time on my own drawing, reading, etc. I experienced a lot of anxiety surrounding social situations and my own sense of identity as a teenager, which to an extent is fairly common. However, these feelings intensified towards the end of my teens, around the 18/19 years old mark. The catalyst for this was the break of my first real relationship. I had been with my boyfriend for 2 years and suddenly felt I had fallen out of love with him, despite trying to cling to the relationship as he provided a lot of emotional support for me. The relationship ended, and I had a bit of a wild post-breakup phase. I began drinking and going out all the time, having one night stands and barely attended the college I was at, so it was amazing to me when I was offered a place at my first choice university.

The transition to uni life was scary and intense for me, but I began partying even more in order to numb the feelings of loneliness and fear. I was drinking most days, often alone. I began taking drugs more regularly, especially ketamine (again, often alone as well as in social situations). I began cutting myself and had a string of unstable, sex-driven relationships throughout that year. I didn’t go into uni must at all and felt more and more isolated from my passion and the people on my course, intensifying my feelings of loneliness and sadness, to the point where the thought of going to lectures and classes gave me panic attacks. Daily tasks such as cooking, washing, doing laundry, became almost impossible. Then, I was date raped at the end of my first year, and things spiralled.

I went to a club with friends, and I’m sure my drink was spiked. I woke up in my bed in the early hours, with almost no recollection of the night before, wearing just my bra with a man I did not know wrapped around me. Even now, a year and a half later, I still cannot remember most of that night. The bruises on my body and my flatmate’s account of what she heard made me realise what must have happened. I entered a deep pit of depression where I would spend days and weeks at a time in bed drinking and smoking, only leaving to go to the corner shop and get more booze. I then went into a manic phase for the next few months, where I completely stopped taking the antidepressants I’d been on for 6 months, convinced I didn’t need them. I spent money recklessly, partied hard, began an unhealthy sexual relationship with a guy I worked with at the time, and barely visited home during that summer. Then, by the time October 2017 came, I hit rock bottom. Suicidal visions began flooding my mind; me filling my coat pockets with rocks and walking into the city’s river. Over the next few weeks I became severely dissociated and almost psychotic at times. I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a cliff, and it was only a matter of time until I fell off. On Halloween, I broke down furiously sobbing and called my mum. I decided that if she didn’t answer, that was my ‘sign’ that I should go and kill myself. Luckily, she did pick up and she left work immediately to come and bring me home.

That was almost a year ago. In that time, I have had to fight hard for the doctors to take me seriously and eventually diagnose me, I have had to suspend my course, have attempted and abandoned several part time jobs before finally finding one to stick at, and I have lost some people I thought would stay by me. I intend to return to university in September 2019, where I will move in with a friend of mine who has been very supportive during everything. I am starting DBT this November. Has anyone been through a similar ordeal with mental health recovery, and how did you cope? what are some ways I can make some new friends and get out there a bit and ease some of the intense loneliness I feel? how can I build up my confidence after hitting such a low point? does anybody have advice on how to avoid relapsing when I return to university? I really want to go back and finish my degree and not return to how I was before. I want to be a better, happier me. Any advice on how to avoid self-destructive behaviours when that classic BPD restlessness and emptiness kicks in? Any advice on this stuff would be really appreciated!

Thank you