quiet bpd, aggression/intimidation toward animals

Are there any quiet borderlines here?

I don't outwardly rage often, I mostly keep it inside, but when I do it's directed toward animals mostly. I don't hit them ever but I scream and am very angry and intimidating.

I was at a gig recently where there are three cats, only one of which likes me and is cuddly. I tried to pet the only girl, who is terrified of the two other boys and constantly on the defense, and she tried to nip me. Instant agitation at the rejection.

The next day I came into the house and the boys had knocked over the box of dog treats, biscuits and crumbs alike scattered all over the floor. I was VERY UPSET and started to yell about it. Well, I must have forgotten that my client has a camera set up inside that monitors outside activities as they have been the target of a neighborhood bully recently. I cleaned up the mess and then prepared to feed them, with one boy trying to rub up against my leg and everyone is yowling at this point. I am so annoyed and I yelled at him to move, pushed him away with my foot then finally put the food down.

THEN I was actively trying to keep him away from the food of the little girl, as that's how they intimidate her. Push up on her different areas, and she will pee/poo on the floor and couches in frustration. So I was keeping an eye on one of the boys and he managed to get past me and shoot downstairs but I stormed after him and he ran into a corner of the couch and hissed at me. I hissed back! I was so angry and had completely lost control. i shooed him out and he ran under a nearby chair where I hissed and jumped onto the chair to get him to go back upstairs. we had a hissing match and he finally ran away. I have anxiety now because i've no idea if the client like heard all the commotion as they did not check in with me when they got home that night. granted it was late but I keep feeling like maybe they heard and are like not pleased.

this is not my first episode of this and I was worse when I was younger, constantly directing aggression toward my own dear kitty. I have also directed it toward my pet rats. I don't know what to do or why this happens.quit

If you can't control your aggression around animals, you shouldn't have them. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I know it hurts to not have control, but it's not okay to take out aggression at your pets. In a way it's even worse than lashing out at people; they can at least understand that it's not personal and that you're struggling.

Elastic Heart wrote:If you can't control your aggression around animals, you shouldn't have them. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I know it hurts to not have control, but it's not okay to take out aggression at your pets. In a way it's even worse than lashing out at people; they can at least understand that it's not personal and that you're struggling.

I understand what you're saying, however a majority of the time I am very loving. I talked with my therapist about it and I think that I was triggered into being very protective of the little girl who is constantly bullied and confined to a very tiny space. I had a flashback essentially and was already overwhelmed coming into the situation. I had a moment and was verbally abused in the same way as a child. I don't always have the tools to control my emotions hence emotional dysregulation. I am working hard at healing and sometimes other beings get caught in the crossfire! The cats were okay after and even got treats. They were fed and taken care of. What you failed to mention about animals is that they also tend to be more forgiving. This is why I have always been closer to them than people, because they love me unconditionally even when I shout. And this is no different than yelling at kids or another person, who don't always understand the lashing out either even with explanation. My therapist says that this is okay, it happened and that I am not a bad person so please don't make me out to be one! I have flashbacks. I don't act this way most of the time and have always been an animal lover. Animals aren't the only innocent beings and as humans, we do this all the time. People without borderline also yell at their pets and the unsuspecting! Have some compassion, please.