I think I have it and I don’t know what’s to do

For so many years I’m living in my head.
And I came to realization sometimes that I’m so delusional. My life consists of me wake up in the morning and go online and talk to online people.
But I only talk to topics I like.
When asked what I’m passionate about. I only think of one thing. And none can relate to people.
I’m completely obsessed with a celebrity who I definitely obsessively stupidly worship from head to toe.
She is the love of my life and I’m also a woman. That got me definitely confused at times because I know I’m not attracted to just a woman on the street, but I love her too mich.

Because of my delusions I have trouble with reality, and easily upsets though I’m good at hiding it
That I’m upset but definitely hard to make friends because I always easily over react.
I’ve also feared that someone big is coming for me.
I always think some billionaire rich person wants to kill me.

I have suicidal thoughts but I can’t make myself do it.

I’ve applied for disability and I can’t get it. I’m so afraid of becoming homeless one day because I’m not stable

I’m afraid I’ll be homeless on the street like those mentally ill people who talks to themselves.

None of my family knew what is happening because I keep the secrets and they told me if I’m depressed I should seek some help because they can’t help me.


I’m trying to fix my delusions but each time I tried to make friends I feel like they don’t like me.

the delusions are always with me because I’ve lived with it to survive for 20 years.
Without my delusions I feel lost. I’m always happy to think of my celebrity and me and daydreaming that we’re together and if she is gone I feel very very depressed and suicidal. Like I can’t breath and there is no reason to live.

I have loved so many celebrities before and this happened all the time.

I know it’s lack of self esteem and I am perfectionist. I like people who are stunning. I am very particular about looks.

I got to talk to one guy till he ghosted me again. And I realized I liked him more because he is cute and personality is second I think it turned people off.

All my life all I care about is people’s looks.
It doesn’t help that I have followed celebrities and models all the time in my social media.
And I always see their beautiful perfect faces.
And I began to hate everyone with crooked teeth and ugly face including mine. That I want to have many plastic surgeries when I make some money.

I then believed that rich people become rich like the ceo because they have this idea that no one have ever thought of before.


But I can’t get there and it is frustrating me more that I live in delusions.

Sorry for the long post.

I’m just so lost

For so many years I’m living in my head.
And I came to realization sometimes that I’m so delusional. My life consists of me wake up in the morning and go online and talk to online people.
But I only talk to topics I like.
When asked what I’m passionate about. I only think of one thing. And none can relate to people.
I’m completely obsessed with a celebrity who I definitely obsessively stupidly worship from head to toe.
She is the love of my life and I’m also a woman. That got me definitely confused at times because I know I’m not attracted to just a woman on the street, but I love her too mich.

i was sooooo obsessed with tom cruise earlier. i'd cut his pictures from the newspaper. i remember he had a website with a contact us page and i'd send him long emails hoping he'd reply.

Because of my delusions I have trouble with reality,

true. even i had delusions of saving the world. that i'd be on a plane n save the flight from some terrorists.

and easily upsets though I’m good at hiding it
That I’m upset but definitely hard to make friends because I always easily over react.

i'm in more control of my impulsive behavior now. i dont expect much from aquaintances so it's in control.

I’ve also feared that someone big is coming for me.
I always think some billionaire rich person wants to kill me.

maybe you can discuss this with a psychologist or therapist. they can guide you correct.

I have suicidal thoughts but I can’t make myself do it.

mental illness can be exhausting. any illness can be exhausting for that matter. you can discuss with a therapist for the suicidal thoughts.

I’ve applied for disability and I can’t get it. I’m so afraid of becoming homeless one day because I’m not stable

I’m afraid I’ll be homeless on the street like those mentally ill people who talks to themselves.

yeah this is a scary situation. i was like this for one day. i just sat on a bench with no purpose in life n i was blabbering to myself. maybe discuss with a friend. our friends are more helpful than we think.

None of my family knew what is happening because I keep the secrets and they told me if I’m depressed I should seek some help because they can’t help me.

even my family doesnt know of my mental illness. i partly blame them for my situation. i mean they didnt do it on purpose.

I’m trying to fix my delusions but each time I tried to make friends I feel like they don’t like me.

i struggle to make friends which is why now i've stopped attempting to make friends. i mostly keep to myself. i think a lot before saying anything now.

i have 2 online friends n i only chat my personal/friendly stuff with them.

the delusions are always with me because I’ve lived with it to survive for 20 years.
Without my delusions I feel lost. I’m always happy to think of my celebrity and me and daydreaming that we’re together and if she is gone I feel very very depressed and suicidal. Like I can’t breath and there is no reason to live.

do you think your celebrity would want you to suffer like this?
i started therapy today after suffering for a year. during the talk with the doctor i was feeling suffocated n miserable. like why did all this have to start. i wish the need to go to therapy had never arrived.

I have loved so many celebrities before and this happened all the time.

my celeb crushes were very intense. there were 2 celebs whom i adored n i wanted them to get married to each other but when i found the guy was already married, i was hoping for his divorce.

n second time there was this celeb couple dating, n the woman dumped him. n when she was marrying someone else, i was praying she run away from the wedding n run to her boyfriend.

I know it’s lack of self esteem and I am perfectionist. I like people who are stunning. I am very particular about looks.

me too. many people are. but now i dont hold people who look not so attractive at disadvantage.

I got to talk to one guy till he ghosted me again. And I realized I liked him more because he is cute and personality is second I think it turned people off.

there are many other guys n girls out there. you dont want to let ur life go to waste because of one guy who ghosted you.

All my life all I care about is people’s looks.
It doesn’t help that I have followed celebrities and models all the time in my social media.
And I always see their beautiful perfect faces.
And I began to hate everyone with crooked teeth and ugly face including mine. That I want to have many plastic surgeries when I make some money.

there is one woman who underwent plastic surgery to look like barbie. even i wanted to under surgery to get rid of my double chin. but now i've accepted it. its not worth the cost.

I then believed that rich people become rich like the ceo because they have this idea that no one have ever thought of before.

very few. many people become rich through unfair means or because they had rich parents or proper guidance.

But I can’t get there and it is frustrating me more that I live in delusions.

delusions sure block our vision from reality. n with me when i realized how delusional i was it was too late.

Sorry for the long post.

I’m just so lost

a therapist or counsellor can help you. i went there today n all the time i was wishing if i had gone sooner.