I have fallen for my therapist. Hello, self-loathing.

Let's call him P. From day one, P (who is about a year younger than I am) has been respectful, encouraging, and just a darn sweetheart. I was rather aggressive with him in the beginning, even indulging in my baser qualities so as to create a stark contrast between him and myself, creating a sturdy wall (I thought). I hated how nice he was because past therapists who had been concerned with being excessively nice to me, never had my treatment in their best interest. Also, I had to end treatment with a therapist I thought was The Best Therapist Ever, and saw him as my consolation prize.

I noticed about a month into therapy, that I had "feelings of affection" for him as I termed it, but then there was drama with my mom and it got pushed aside.

Three later, I really do believe I love him. That he saw all my ugly parts yet still was able to create this safe space where the both of us were open and honest (he recognizing his limitations, and human-ness, thereby allowing me to be in-touch with that in myself). When I revealed the affectionate feelings, because I didn't feel like he was put-off or overwhelmed by them, my feelings grew exponentially. All of our interactions, from before my feelings took flight is taking on so much meaning in retrospect--everything that seemed mundane and just therapy-as-usual at the time, now seems groundbreaking and meaningful. The things I originally found irritating (like how he'd echo something I said and gently nod), are now just the most effing endearing things. Last week, I went from a 3k diet to just under 1k because of the attendant psychotic feelings that came with this particular brand of "love." I am out of that phase, but now it feels like the lover runs deeper after such a high.

I am obsessed with him now. Our sessions are all I look forward to in my life (yep. pathetic.). I know he is married and if it's a woman all I can do is compare myself to this person who is a figment, a perfect person, to me but someone very much real to him, who he loves and chooses to wake up next to every morning . I want to strike some part in him that feels affection in me.

It's also unusual because I am normally attracted to unhealthy people and unhealthy dynamics. You can say that because he is my therapist, there's a hint of that, but that's it. I have never loved someone so healthy. I should take it as a good sign, but all it does is evoke how defective I am. How I am 30 years old and I have made myself an island. How I don't have a job because nothing was ever good enough for me, or my calling, and now I am not good for anything (though I still feel entitled, somehow). How I have wasted away. How I can never have anything like him in my life. I don't even really have good friends anymore. I live with my very needy mother who holds me back from the world.

I am grateful I get to talk about most of muy feelings with him (I have hinted at jealousy towards the spouse whom I know of only through a wedding ring, but haven't let my thoughts spin away about that because I think that would get weird. He does make me feel really safe, so maybe I could. IDK). But I am so lovesick, in a way I really haven't felt many times in my life, and if I am being honest I think this is the only time it has been this intense, and so real feeling. He makes me want to be real, and in that desire, I see how far I am from that, creating enormous self-loathing.

The most potent of all of this is that he is (likely) a heteronormative man who I can feel safe with AND I can merge emotional connection with sexual desire (they are often divorced from one another for me).

The only weird thing about all of this is I did feel like he was possibly teasing me last session (which I will bring up to him soon). He responded in his patent accepting, validating way; and then because I know he knows how comforted I find all of this, I just looked at him probably longingly as he bent his head down to write a note. This would all be fine, except I am pretty sure he had a smug grin on his face, and not just a smile, suggesting he knows how much it all makes me want him and he's taking some pleasure in my longing. When he was similarly encouraging later in the session, I let out a frustrated scoff and then I inadvertently let-out a small but pretty decipherable sexual moan. It had something to do with what I felt like his teasing me (like a high school boy who knows he has a girl wrapped around his finger and toys with her emotions for his own amusement), and being frustrated by it. Like here is this person being amazing, continuing to be even after this fat girl in front of him confesses her love to him, and he doesn't get all weird about it and completely back out of the whirlwind. Of course it's hard to not be, I don't know, hypnotized by it. And so the moan was very much signaling "I can't believe you're doing this to me, and I want you" unconsciously.

There is also some eye-contact in there that I am probably assigning too much meaning to. Normally I have a hard time making eye-contact, and sure with him it's still there, especially when I am confessing certain feelings, but when we do make it, I look at him so yearningly. It hurts. And I can't tell if there's something in him back. All I know is he, for the most part, really sees me and cares, in a way I have never felt before. Deep down I know if he remotely had any "feelings of affection" for me, then he probably wouldn't be able to handle my feelings. He'd be overwhelmed, to some degree. Effing sucks.

He's just the most wonderful person in the world.

I like him the best.

Hmmm, you’ve just about posted what it feels like when I fall for all the wonderful, yet unavailable men. The connection, the longings, the highs the warmth, right down to the effing sucks part.
I honestly don’t know what else to add as I get stuck at the point your at and the it starts all over again with someone new. Limerence ahhhh.. Good luck anyway with your therapy and let us know how it goes
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