reason why i'm struggling with career

i cant do teaching now. i've taken up college in masters microelectronics n i hate it now. its way too hard for me. i've wasted 5000$ in debt already due to my career switches from masters in germany to teaching course to again masters in india.

i m pretty much fed up n have no energy left to do anything.

I'm trying to get into the film and music world in LA truthfully.

jaus tail wrote:i cant do teaching now. i've taken up college in masters microelectronics n i hate it now. its way too hard for me. i've wasted 5000$ in debt already due to my career switches from masters in germany to teaching course to again masters in india.

i m pretty much fed up n have no energy left to do anything.

I read your thread in clinical depr. forum. I'm guessing you had strong reasons to choose that particular master's, make all that investment and travel all the way to India. I'm also guessing that someone who graduated in same field must have the mental capacity to obtain a master's degree in it.

I complete get the need to run and the voice saying things are too hard (that btw belongs to my father, not me), I spend most of my time lately fighting that urge and mocking it. The 'voice' talks crap and should be muted. If I feel like I've got no energy left for dealing with a situation I start pretending to be someone who knows how to deal with it and it lifts the pressure from me into this 'other person'. Turning stressful situations into games helps. Whoever said life was but a game was spot on.

Wish you luck, whatever you decide. I just think one should never base their decisions on 'I can't' as it is rarely the truth. What you can or can't do is not beyond your control. People are capable of more than they're aware of. Especially in this subforum. Sleep and meditate on your decision in any case.

i'm actually from india. last year around march end, i flew to germany to do masters there. i got anxiety n got scared of course n flew back to india cancelling my admission there. then now i'm doing masters in india(my home country).

i really dont know what to do with my career. i've done engineering n writing job. n i really dont know now that when i want to apply for job in job portal which kind of jobs should i apply for.

i feel very old doing masters at 28. everyone else in my class is 22/23.

jaus tail wrote:i'm actually from india. last year around march end, i flew to germany to do masters there. i got anxiety n got scared of course n flew back to india cancelling my admission there. then now i'm doing masters in india(my home country).

i really dont know what to do with my career. i've done engineering n writing job. n i really dont know now that when i want to apply for job in job portal which kind of jobs should i apply for.

i feel very old doing masters at 28. everyone else in my class is 22/23.

I'm a bit younger but have also messed up and switched studies in the past. 65% of people studying with me (or art in general) have a similar background story of initially fulfilling their parent's wishes or choosing safe profitable options before they gathered courage/finance to do what they always wanted to. Many are starting their second or third degree. I doubt anyone cares.
What I've learned so far - always finish what you've started, no matter what you plan on doing afterwards. If you're currently in a 'I don't know' state and have no second option you'd rather do instead, then stick with the current one, it'll buy you time to think and keep you productive. Better to be in a state of 'I don't know' while doing something than while doing nothing. These in-between-goal-free-phases tend to swallow people up. As soon as I lose sight of a goal in front of me I go drowning in depression.
Having this degree will also help you 'specialize' and narrow down the job search confusion afterwards.
Anxiety you feel is nothing but a fear of the unknown, the only way to overcome it is by demistifying and turning this course into a soothing happy place of interesting material and folk. You must analyze and engage in order to demistify.
And push yourself to remember why you chose this particular course. There was logic used in a decision-making process and retrieving it will keep you feeling more secure.
I also tend to avoid my own life/crap by offering numerous advice and solutions no one ever asked for so must stop here but wish you well and hope you make a wise decision.

bobok wrote:I'm a bit younger but have also messed up and switched studies in the past. 65% of people studying with me (or art in general) have a similar background story of initially fulfilling their parent's wishes or choosing safe profitable options before they gathered courage/finance to do what they always wanted to. Many are starting their second or third degree. I doubt anyone cares.
What I've learned so far - always finish what you've started, no matter what you plan on doing afterwards. If you're currently in a 'I don't know' state and have no second option you'd rather do instead, then stick with the current one, it'll buy you time to think and keep you productive. Better to be in a state of 'I don't know' while doing something than while doing nothing. These in-between-goal-free-phases tend to swallow people up. As soon as I lose sight of a goal in front of me I go drowning in depression.
Having this degree will also help you 'specialize' and narrow down the job search confusion afterwards.
Anxiety you feel is nothing but a fear of the unknown, the only way to overcome it is by demistifying and turning this course into a soothing happy place of interesting material and folk. You must analyze and engage in order to demistify.
And push yourself to remember why you chose this particular course. There was logic used in a decision-making process and retrieving it will keep you feeling more secure.
I also tend to avoid my own life/crap by offering numerous advice and solutions no one ever asked for so must stop here but wish you well and hope you make a wise decision.

the feedback is very helpful. thanks. this advice of completing the degree is better than 'go for it' or 'man up' or 'you can do this'
i wish i had done this last year. the earlier university was much better, course was easier and more to my interest, n i'd be done with my masters now.
but back then i was full of rage issues.
if only i knew better...

bobok wrote: These in-between-goal-free-phases tend to swallow people up. As soon as I lose sight of a goal in front of me I go drowning in depression.

Just had to quote this sentence of yours. Cause it's so damn true. Not only regarding studying/job, but everything in life, especially for us borderliners. I feel this so deeply since I've graduated high school last summer and had a gap year till now where I've been partly working, partly without any job or anything else to do in a day due to inpatient stays and my mental condition. And having no goal to remind yourself of, no reason to get out of bed, nothing to fight for, nothing to live for, is killing one slowly. Reinforcing the emptiness, loneliness, boredom caused by BPD. At least that's how it affects me (and I guess you & a lot of others too). That's why I'm beyond happy that I'm attending uni in September and moving into a dormitory in the new city. I felt you spoke to my heart right there.
Your words hit me like a bulldozer right in the core. Thank you for that.

Hey, thought I'd give you my view on your situation, though I don't know if I'll be able to help at all. but I'll give it a go.
first thing that comes into my mind: WHat about combining the job you choose (be it engineering or teaching) with writing? I'm writing this because I myself write, too. Mostly short stories and poems. Can I ask what kind of texts you're writing? Though I remember seeing a post of yours somewhere saying something about your short story. I've often thought of how I could combine writing with my job. And I've figured I'll do it parallel to the job I'll get after having graduated from uni. I'll do it in my spare time and try to get some of my texts published. Also, I'll be studying law, so there'll be a lot of writing reports etc., which I also like. But my fictional texts, I'll concentrate about them in my spare time. That way, I won't have to decide between becoming an author or studying law. And I also won't have to worry about not being able to break through as an author and thus getting no job and little salary.
You're stating two of your options being teaching and engineering. Maybe this is completely off, but woud it be possible to combine these two things? Like, becoming a teacher in engineering? Assuming you'd go for that and including the writing in your spare time, you'd actually combine all three of your options.
And I know this is hard when struggling with identity issues/shifting goals/ambitions, but have you tried "listening to your heart", as cliché as it sounds? LIke, pushing away all the thoughts of what other's will think of you, all the thoughts about salary, etc., and just listening to what your heart tells you it wants to do in life?
Personally, I've been struggling a lot with deciding what to study, too. What really helped me was talking to professional people around me. Eg., I talked to a study counselor various times and stated the different options I had to chose between. She really helped me see things from a different perspective, shed light on the future prospects/possibilities of a certain degree etc., thus helping me making a decision I felt comfortable about. I talked to her one week before applying for uni, and at the end of our talk, I felt I had finally taken a decision. The right decision. And I was done with thinking and doubting and not being able to choose. It was a great help. Maybe you could try to talk to a counselor? Either one outside of your uni or one from uni.
DOn't know if I was able to help at all, but those were just the aspects coming to my mind when I read the posts of this thread and since I've been in the situation of struggling with career decisions too, I thought I'd join and give you my best advice. Wishing you the best of luck with this, and keep on going. -Cirkusrat

yeah i can combine engineering with teaching. this course is very hard. its mostly electronics n i had studied electrical in bachelors so i'm struggling badly now.
i was thinking of dropping but i have no backup for that. n it'll cost another year.

cirkusrat wrote:

bobok wrote: These in-between-goal-free-phases tend to swallow people up. As soon as I lose sight of a goal in front of me I go drowning in depression.

Just had to quote this sentence of yours. Cause it's so damn true. Not only regarding studying/job, but everything in life, especially for us borderliners. I feel this so deeply since I've graduated high school last summer and had a gap year till now where I've been partly working, partly without any job or anything else to do in a day due to inpatient stays and my mental condition. And having no goal to remind yourself of, no reason to get out of bed, nothing to fight for, nothing to live for, is killing one slowly. Reinforcing the emptiness, loneliness, boredom caused by BPD. At least that's how it affects me (and I guess you & a lot of others too). That's why I'm beyond happy that I'm attending uni in September and moving into a dormitory in the new city. I felt you spoke to my heart right there.
Your words hit me like a bulldozer right in the core. Thank you for that.

Reading your thread reminded me how happy too I was after receiving a confirmation for a place in a dormitory (waiting lists were impossible, minimum one year wait).
Ignore anyone who tells you you can't do it, the only way to do anything is by throwing yourself in fire and then handling whatever issues occur as they appear. You'll probably have a roommate which comes as a relief when you're all by yourself in a town/country. You'll be fine, having the enthusiasm that you do will make sure of that.
You can use this place to keep yourself grounded whenever you're struggling with something, helped me each time.
Not much 'til September, good luck!