Relationships HELP

Hi

It has been an ongoing struggle for me for as long as i can remember, I meet a potential partner and I am absoloutely blown away with how attractive, amazing and really perfectly matched for me someone is, I imagine us spending our lives together, living together, I come on really strong and then for the first few months it's literally a dream, it's amazing.

Then usually I end up started fights, lashing out, picking out problems, finding certain things they do disgusting or unattractive, and this keeps knocking them down and down from that pedastal i put them on.

In my current relationship, when i met my partner I was so in love, straight away, without even a week going by I told her I love her, I wanted to spend all my time talking to her, painting her nails, cuddling, doing things together- fast forward 4 months - for the last month every issue she's had, anytime she's came to me for support, telling me chit-chat about her pets etc I just feel so uninterested, it irritates and annoys me, and I hate it, I hate myself, I hate that I'm like this, why can't i stay in love that I want so bad.

Anyways, for the past 2 weeks I've been really unaffectionate, she's noticed it massively, I told her I just feel like I need space, she felt unwanted etc and kept trying to push for me to understand and be affecionate, talk on the phone every day, spend time together etc, but i just feel suffocated, like I need to just do my own thing, seperate.

Last night I broke up with her because I just couldn't talk having indepth relationship "talks" everyday about how I'm acting, or how I've changed, or how I'm being cold and different. Anyways, today I've spent all day on the phone to the crisis line, my psychologist etc as I planned to attempt suicide, although I did self harm I didn't attempt to take my own life.

I've been crying all day, I have really bad identity issues (one big aspect of my bpd) and when I'm sitting thinking about have i made a mistake, do i want this, do i love her, do i care about her, I just do NOT know, it's so frustrating to live in your own mind and you can't decide what you WANT, what your dress sense is, what music you like, what job you want, I just hate hate hate it. Another relationship RUINED, and another really nice person i've HURT And sabotaged because of the way i am, who am i to even take someone of a pedastal, I'm unappreciative, I'm horrible, I'm snappy and cold.

Can someone please help me

Hi....I'm on the other end of where you are, so I'm wondering if we can help each other somehow :/ the day you wrote this note is when my BPD partner snapped the second time since we know each other in three years. Make the story short, we met 15 years ago but only eye/energy contact in town frequently. Then I left this town, made a new life across the world, and somehow 3 years ago we found each other on FB. We first became true friends, then we started meeting up again here in Europe, and I finally moved here this February. I knew about his life and condition since the beginning. While I was still in Asia, there were some incidents where he would get distant for some days and write cold or not at all...Claims always this is who he is, doesn't need anyone, is fine alone, and NEEDS the time alone sometimes, no writing, no communicating, no talking. Then I move here, not only for him, but to start over with my kids. I know I will never live together with my bpd partner and this is fine. But since February, there have been 2 episodes of ice coldness, and I am now cracking my head and suffering like hell as I write this. 90% of the time we are perfect, we enjoy each other and life, we grow together, we bring the best out in each other. Then he tells me ahead of time he will need some space to sort out his home or whatnot and will not really communicate. First time I said ok, but I myself need at least a touching base once a day in a message. Turns out after the two weeks, he admitted that was quite annoying for him. This past Thursday, I had a downturn in my own bipolar $#%^, and he happened to already be in the 'cold' mode...no more words of endearment, only simple replies like 'you too' 'hope you feel better soon' or just not replying at all...I should've gotten the point that he is in a spacy mode and I should just let him be. But he is my best friend too...and what about me? I felt cut out cold turkey...so I might have said the wrong thing, or one request for a kind word too many, but he jumped over the edge and wrote things like he's realizing this is not what he wanted before I moved here, not what we talked about, we discussed his spaciness many times before, he is not on a leash for anyone, he does what he wants when he wants, he will not compromise who he is for for anyone, he is nervous, irritated and angry....he feels like he has no choices...he will not communicate if he doesn't feel like, etc. He's felt like he's been treated like a dog all his life, and now I literally feel like a dog kicked out into the street. And just the day before we parted on the best happiest terms ever...I didn't reply to his last message as I was blown away, yet again, and perhaps more than before. Until today when I couldn't contain myself...I waved at him on messenger, I got a wave back. This evening I said 'thinking of you, good night'. read the message, no reply. This is torture! I don't want to create drama as I know he hates it, and whining will only make him pull away more. I understand some of the theory and how his brain works differently, but I am lost for words and my heart and soul are shattered. Will he 'discard me'? will he come around again? what if not this time? should I say something else trw, neutral, or nothing at all until he says something? I feel like walking on eggshells and no action is the right one....so, I'm sorry for the long story, but if it were you and I were your gf, would you come around? how long would it take you? would you get past this phase of being annoyed with me for whatever reasons like you feeling engulfed by my wanting to know how you are and please share a bit about your day? what is the best way for us, the partners of you guys, to go? to say something? to keep quiet and out of the way? when do you come to the point when you cut someone out of your life? which he is known to have done with everyone so far...I just feel that we have a deeper level of understanding, he feels seen and heard by me as he has never been before...I'm completely in the dark here, I try to understand but I can't get my head around how your minds really work...will you come around again if we show we will stick by and not abandon you, and if we improve at not triggering your sensitive spots to annoy you?....is there HOPE? if we are patient and stick by quietly when you retreat into your caves? I feel if I give signs now, it annoys him more...I also feel if I give no sign, he might imagine that I will disappear and abandon ship...He is the most intense and amazing person I've ever met in my life and connected with, and I've had a lot of life experience myself by now, i'm 37...what do I do? how can we reassure you BPD people or let you chill and come around when you feel you suddenly hate us and our presence?...I can't stop crying, then I get some hope the sun will shine again. Then I cry more and the silence cuts me to the bone...can you 'love us' again after your phases of irritation and dislike? what if we behave more sensitively next time, what if we get better, do we have a chance not to be cut out of your lives? will you know again you love us after some days of not knowing?...again sorry, I hope this is not counterproductive, but I feel I can't talk about these things with my partner as he gets defensive and feels criticized, when I'm not criticizing at all...and you seem very similar in the struggle that my partner is going through...I know it's hell for you, but it is also excruciating for us, the NOT KNOWING part, I think this is the most painful...

I was once told ”Love is not a feeling, it’s an action.” I stand by this.

Our emotions are so fluctuating, we’d be lost if we follow them solely. Our emotions are real, but they are not real. They are a product of a damaged mind. It’s not fair, but it’s what we got, and it’s our job to put the work in, work through the impulses, paranoia and intense feelings. No one can fix us but ourselves. Our SO may try, but they simply can’t. They may love us, but they WILL disappoint us, they WILL hurt us, they WILL trigger us, because they’re only human and can’t read our minds.

I’ve decided I love my boyfriend.
There are days he’s my soulmate, my angel and I feel an extreme urge to shower him in affection.

There are days I find him absolutely disgusting. I hate him, resent him. I want to hurt him because of all the extreme pain he causes me. I want to break up with him and never see his face again.

I try to remember that even non-BPD people have moments where they feel like they want to strangle their SO. It’s normal. With BPD it’s so, so much harder. I try to keep my distance on the bad days, when I feel hatred and try not to show how strong my negative emotions are. Just because I FEEL this, right now, doesn’t mean I have to ACT on it. We’ve made an agreement that if I break up with him while splitting or having a BPD episode it doesn’t count. I will eventually come back from my split and see everything in a more clear light.

I keep a list on him, all the bad traits, and all the good, to remind me that he’s neither demon or angel. Just a human. A human I chose as my partner.

I don’t know if you could use this. It seems like you split white on her, as we tend to do in a new relationship. We feel like we love them SO much, they can do no wrong. Then, when our feelings change, we doubt the relationship and wants out. It’s only you who can make a decision whether the relationship is worth the pain. Having a relationship while being cursed with BPD is NOT easy. It is sometimes hell.