i think i have bpd? help

I think I need to apologise for writing my life story before you actually start reading this post. I have come to terms that I actually can't speak to anyone other than you guys on this forum besides possibly a therapist (which I am still hesitant to go to). But there you, go.. I need to vent out somewhere. So I created an account today. BTW. I have never ever been diagnosed with any sort of mental illness. Everyone is always telling me to just crack on and stop telling myself that I've got a problem. I feel like my story is so complicated and weird that it's hard to put it all together in an eloquent manner, so everything I am writing is just a bit all over the place.

Just to let you know a little about myself - I currently live in England and moved here when I was 10 over from Poland with my mum and sister. I am 22 years old now and I'm working in a commercial building maintenance company. I went to uni and failed, then decided to move back to Poland (I was 19) where I was living in our old apartment which was rented out the whole time. My granddad from Dad's side has a good company and loads of money so he helped me out a lot (and obviously I ruined everything). After 2 years of poncing, being depressed etc, I came back to England because everyone had enough of me.

I have never thought about having until I have actually met a person with BPD a couple months back who got me into researching a bit more into it. Looking at all the symptoms it started becoming more obvious to me that I have it myself as well. I feel like I'm complaining and I know millions and millions of people have it much worse in life, but the way I am affects my life as a whole to a substantial level is bringing me to post on this forum to get some sort of clarification or confirmation I guess. I always though I had depression as it was obvious that I isolated myself from young age ever since I moved to a different country (language barrier).

I had a major accident when I was 7 years old. I was hit by a car whilst riding a bike which left me with a broken arm and collarbone. It also did substantial damage to my skull and had cerebral haematoma, Obviously I'm alive but as I was growing up I became more fragile emotionally, crying or laughing without reason etc. my mum was told by the doctor that it was to do with my frontal lobe being bashed around which is the part of the brain which controls emotions.
Shortly after my parents have divorced and that whole process was just mad as hell. I am 22 years old now and i remember every argument. There was no domestic violence, but arguments, name calling, stealing and many more. So long story short it had an impact on me for sure.
My mum was also a very unstable person and still is right now. I suspect her of having bipolar or also having BPD. I have read up on the type of parents people with BPD have and it fits me perfectly.

Dad always involved with crime, he was never there, always promising to see me and my sister and never showing. Stealing from his own children (and my mum of course), being to prison (i found out by accident that he was there when I was about 12). He was a drug addict, mostly amphetamine. Drug dealer and fraud artist - I don't even know the full extent. But now he is 42 and has a baby and girlfriend. I see them sometimes, but I am not on the best terms with him.

I have always isolated myself and have been prone to addiction and impulsiveness.
My first noticeable addiction was computers, where I would even consider myself that I had a problem, playing all day and all night all the time, making huge scenes and raising conflicts due to not being allowed to play. I am still addicted to cannabis, although I am now making every effort to quit (just hit two weeks), I had a moment in life 2 years ago where I was into harder drugs and was put into rehab by my dad. Before that I took out loans wherever I could so I could get more drugs and just money to live.
So I was massively in debt.
After I left rehab after 2-3 months I relapsed again. Which then made me get thrown back into England when I was 20. Ever since then I found a job and have held it for almost 2 years ( from March last year). At first I wasn't doing to well, but know I have improved so much I am being praised, however it doesnt change the fact that I feel like I don't have a life outside of work.

Okay, I got some bits out of the way. What it currently looks like is that I don't have any friends, I don't talk to anyone at all, even that girl with BPD who was also into me I told to F off because she irratated me. Then I miss talking to her and feeling more lonely. Then go back to hating her. This has actually happened before, and we started talking 2 days ago, however we blocked each other once again!

I mean I don't know what else to say, I feel like I am trying to convince you guys that I have BPD as well as myself. I have read up on it, I have watched videos and I just feel like i fit the criteria.
I am also massively obsessed with a co-worker who is also my age and let me tell you - she is sooo beautiful. So in love with her, also want to have sex with her disparately. Which ain't gonna happen, and also out of respect for her boyfriend and her relationship I do not tell her how I feel. But what upset me today, was an engineer came to our office, who she obviously knew bit longer than me, and she was sitting on his lap. She does that with some people.. just the person she is. OMG I feel like I'm going crazy just writing all this. I have major mood swings and just feel everything so extra. I feel like I have some maxed out empathy and can sense people's feeling, one bad look from her and I get depressed. One thing she says to me positive and i feel like I'm the king.

It obviously affects me and I just want you guys to tell me anything, any feedback from the load of bollocks I have written about will be appreciated. Ask me anything, I will be happy if at least one person replies. Thanks so much and sorry for such a long boring story

Okay, I got some bits out of the way. What it currently looks like is that I don't have any friends, I don't talk to anyone at all, even that girl with BPD who was also into me I told to F off because she irratated me. Then I miss talking to her and feeling more lonely. Then go back to hating her. This has actually happened before, and we started talking 2 days ago, however we blocked each other once again!

many people do this. fight n get back. in fact fighting is common among friends. although this could be black n white aspect of bpd.

One thing she says to me positive and i feel like I'm the king.

when a girl i liked sent me the first text message i was dancing in the house.

It obviously affects me and I just want you guys to tell me anything, any feedback from the load of bollocks I have written about will be appreciated. Ask me anything, I will be happy if at least one person replies. Thanks so much and sorry for such a long boring story

a therapist would be very very helpful. here no one can diagnose you. if possible please visit a therapist or counselor. i went to a psychiatrist n it took many visits. i thought it'd get over in one visit. but later i realized it takes time.