They keep saying I'm not strong enough

jaus tail wrote:

cirkusrat wrote:Somehow, we don't see the true value of things until we've lost them... Why doesn't your ex-employer want you back? And how's uni, does it motivate you or do you just feel like not getting out of bed and going there?

My ex employer doesnt want me back because they've hired someone else for that job. there was another opening that required very good communication skills. My boss called me for an interview but i lacked communication skills.

while i was working the boss was insisting i make a career in that company but i didnt want to do it as i wanted to do 'technical' stuff and because the work at that company was very easy so i didnt like it.

now i realize that it was bliss.

Damn. But you know what, you listened to yourself and didn't let anyone else tell you what to do. I know you might be full of regret. But try to think of it this way maye: Back then, it seemed like the right thing to do. You couldn't know what things would be like later. I think it's good that you're ambitious and challenged yourself and didn't make a career in that company since you wouldn't find enough challenges...Eventually, it might have gotten boring working there and that wouldn't be good, neither for the company/your boss nor for you, most importantly. Because the boredom at work might reinforce the boredom/emptiness you might have inside due to your BPD.
But what about the subject you're studying, do you like ti at least? Does it motivate you?

cirkusrat wrote:Damn. But you know what, you listened to yourself and didn't let anyone else tell you what to do. I know you might be full of regret. But try to think of it this way maye: Back then, it seemed like the right thing to do. You couldn't know what things would be like later. I think it's good that you're ambitious and challenged yourself and didn't make a career in that company since you wouldn't find enough challenges...Eventually, it might have gotten boring working there and that wouldn't be good, neither for the company/your boss nor for you, most importantly. Because the boredom at work might reinforce the boredom/emptiness you might have inside due to your BPD.
But what about the subject you're studying, do you like ti at least? Does it motivate you?

to be honest i've realized that work is mainly done for money n some interest. i mean if i wanted to challenge myself i couldve joined a gym or swimming classes.
but yeah ur right that i did what i knew best. i just wish someone had made me sit n guided me like holding my hand/spoonfeed me in the right direction. that would've helped.

one thing is i've let go of the anger. i was very very angry earlier at my caretaker n stuff. now i've reduced the anger as anger only damages ur own mind n life.

the subjects at uni: nope. mostly i dont enjoy studying them. i should've thought of all this when i applied. but now i'm 28 so it'll be too late if i quit now n apply elsewhere. it'll cost me another year.

jaus tail wrote:

cirkusrat wrote:Damn. But you know what, you listened to yourself and didn't let anyone else tell you what to do. I know you might be full of regret. But try to think of it this way maye: Back then, it seemed like the right thing to do. You couldn't know what things would be like later. I think it's good that you're ambitious and challenged yourself and didn't make a career in that company since you wouldn't find enough challenges...Eventually, it might have gotten boring working there and that wouldn't be good, neither for the company/your boss nor for you, most importantly. Because the boredom at work might reinforce the boredom/emptiness you might have inside due to your BPD.
But what about the subject you're studying, do you like ti at least? Does it motivate you?

to be honest i've realized that work is mainly done for money n some interest. i mean if i wanted to challenge myself i couldve joined a gym or swimming classes.
but yeah ur right that i did what i knew best. i just wish someone had made me sit n guided me like holding my hand/spoonfeed me in the right direction. that would've helped.

one thing is i've let go of the anger. i was very very angry earlier at my caretaker n stuff. now i've reduced the anger as anger only damages ur own mind n life.

the subjects at uni: nope. mostly i dont enjoy studying them. i should've thought of all this when i applied. but now i'm 28 so it'll be too late if i quit now n apply elsewhere. it'll cost me another year.

You're probably right, but I like to think that work is also done in order to have goals to achieve, deadlines to abide by, requirements to accept, a reason to get out of bed and going. MOtivation to keep on going and something giving you a daily structure so you don't fall into depressed mode and become inactive and feeling empty and bored.
I understand your wish of having been guided by a counselor. Maybe you could still talk to a counselor now? Though you've already started studying, maybe she/he could still help in some way? But wrote that in a reply to your "struggling with career-post" already.
Good thing you've let go of the anger. You're right, anger takes all your mental energy, makes you stressed and unable to find peace, and thus it can eventually make you sad/depressed/hopeless/and so on.
Sorry to hear you aren't motivated by your studies. Maybe it will change as the semesters change, though? Personally, I know the things I'll learn in the first semesters probably aren't the things that interest me the most about the subject I chose to study. But I try to view things in the long run, thinking of later semesters that'll be really interesting, thinking of all the great and motivating and interesting jobs I'll eventually be able to get after having graduated.
Maybe it would help you to find some friends/nice people to talk to and support you. Maybe there are study groups or other small communities at the uni that could help you build a supportive network and meet people that probably feel similar. You could motivate eachother and share thoughts.

you're right that anger does take mental energy.
there are friends and everyone else. i just wish i had gotten masters done earlier. i'm tired of studying now.
but yeah i got no other option than to proceed with this.

i was looking for disney level happiness which is nowhere to be found i guess.