They keep saying I'm not strong enough

Thanks in advance to those people out there who take the time to read this post and maybe even reply to it. It means a lot to me.
So, I've had a gap year since finishing school last year and it is my plan to start studying after summer, ie. in September. In order to do so, I need to move to a big city in another region. This will of course cause a lot of new things to happen, eg. I'll be confronted with a lot of new people (both at school and at the dormitory I'll be moving into), I'll have to start studying at university which itself is something new and overwhelming, I'll be transferred to a new psychiatric department, I'll have to settle down and build myself a home (or at least try to ) in a big, unknown city, etc. Also, I currently have sort of like a mentor/social worker coming to my place once a week to support/help me with things I can't do myself due to my mental condition. Which means after moving, I'd have to get a new mentor. For me, the hardest thing is having to say goodbye to my current therapist whom I've been seeing for 2,5 years now since I've become VERY ATTACHED to her (actually wrote a post about that too ). BUT I'd have to leave her in a few months anyway because of me getting too old to be in the department where she works (psychiatric department for children & adolescents), so that doesn't really make any difference. All the other things actually don't scare me at all. In fact, I'm excited. I know they say that BPD can worsen when confronted with big changes etc. But currently, I live in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere with nothing happening, no one to visit and no one visiting me. It isolates me and it reinforces the loneliness, the emptiness, and the boredom caused by my BPD. So moving to a bigger city with things happening around me, starting uni and moving into a dormitory where I'll get to know new people and get the opportunity to make friends and build a social network seems just like what I need. I know I'll most certainly die from loneliness and boredom if I stay any longer here all by myself with nothing to live for.
When I was released from inpatient a couple of months ago, I was told by the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with BPD that I wasn't stable enough to start studying after summer. Even though that was what I had planned to do, even though it was what I wanted to do. But I had a love-hate-relationship to that psychiatrist anyway, so I just thought like, "well, we'll see. I'll show you. Don't tell me I can't do this". A couple of weeks ago, I told my beloved therapist about my plans. At first, she was very concerned and thought it would be risky for me to move away and being thrown into all these new things by now. But then she talked to/did supervision with the earlier mentioned psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said she thought it'd actually be a good idea for me to move away and start studying after summer. She's been working at the psychiatric department in that city herself and knows they're really good there and will be able to help me get better since they're specialized in personality disorders. This calmed down my therapist and convinced her studying after summer was the right thing for me to do. Actually, a couple of weeks ago, we held a meeting at the psychiatric department where my therapist, the psychiatrist, my case worker, a social worker etc. and I discussed the future and what would be best for me to do, what they could do to help me the best way possible, etc. We came to the conclusion that moving away and attending uni after summer will be safe and the right thing for me to do since I'll get a fresh start and new inputs, and we'll make sure I'll have a safety net to catch me once I get to the new city (eg., I'll start therapy at the new department as soon as possible after arriving to the new place, and I'll have weekly sessions). So I was feeling very hopeful and uplifted and relieved after the meeting. I felt there was no doubt about the future anymore, I felt they finally believed in me, I felt they finally believed I was able to do this. I felt I had made a decision together with the people around me that want to help me. The RIGHT decision.

But today, I was once again confronted with this "you're not strong enough"-thing. Specifically, I was told that I'm not stable enough to move away and start studying this year. It wasn't the people from my psychiatric team telling me this. After all, I'd convinced them that this was the best way to go. It was some idi*** from the commune/job center since I'm currently without a full time job and therefore have to attend courses at times. This time it's a course focused on physical exercise and nutrition/diet. You'll undergo a screening process led by a physiotherapist and a psychologist in order to check if there's anything physical preventing you from having a job/completing an education. During the course, you'll have to attend their fitness center and do certain exercise for a certain amount of time a certain times weekly. When I first talked to the physiotherapist I decided straight away that I don't like her because she only allowed me to do 20 min of exercise 2x weekly on the exercise bike due to my calorie intake being too low (currently in a phase where I highly restrict my daily calorie intake. That's how my BPD-related self harm manifests at the moment). Three days ago, I had an appointment with the psychologist in order for her to screen me. At the end of the conversation, she told me that in her opinion, I'm not stable enough to move away and attend uni at this point of time. But it didn't freak me out completely since I liked her better than the physiotherapist. But yesterday, I had to talk to the physiotherapist who told me she'd been talking to the psychologist about my situation and that I'm no longer allowed to do any exercise in their center. But I somehow accepted that since I can just exercise at home or go to the swimming pool myself. What freaked me out is what she said next. She said they had come to the conclusion that moving away and attending uni this year won't be the right thing for me. I'm not stable enough to do so, they say. She said they recommend I just find a job in the new city if I decide to move there anyway, and that I just take a year or two to settle down and get better and in order for all the new things to fall into place. Guess what, I've already taken one of those years. And they won't make me do it again. I can't take the thought of having to walk around yet another year searching for jobs that don't interest me, not getting any and therefore having to be followed up by communes and job centers. I want to do what interests me. Attend uni. Start studying. Move on.

They might as well say, "You're no strong enough. You won't make it. You wont make anything. You've got borderline, of course your not stable enough to do this". I just makes me so angry. And it makes me sad. They're making me feel I'm not stable enough to do what I've been planning to do and what I want, they make me feel I'm not strong enough to follow my goals/ambitions/dreams just because of my diagnoses. It seems that all they see is my diagnoses, they don't see me as a person actually being capable of doing things. For example, they don't acknowledge the fact that I made it all the way through high school despite not seeking professional help until halfway through high school although I've had my mental problems for as long as I remember. I did just as great as my non-mentally-disordered class mates, I never skipped a day due to feeling bad mentally, I got nice marks, I passed all my exams and I graduated. In fact, I believe that school was what kept me going. It was my anchor. I just knew I had to graduate, I knew I had to make it, I knew I couldn't just give up. I had something to fight for. Something to wake up to everyday. A reason to get out of bed, get dressed, get going. And studying is a great way of distracting myself. When it comes to school, I'm very passionate and hard-working. But most importantly, I like it. I like reading, I like writing, I like learning new things. I like to study, it motivates me. And I'm ready for this. I've been wanting to attend uni this year for such a long time now. I can't just wait another year. I can't just let this chance of getting a fresh start and new inputs in my life slip. But that's what they want me to. And actually, how can they KNOW that everything will be better in a year or two, or ten, for that sake? Funny how they seem so goddamn sure the whole world will have changed by next year. To be honest, I haven't gotten A LOT better since those 2,5 years ago when I started therapy. And if I'm supposed to wait until I'm better and until things have fallen into place, I might as well just sit back and watch the next 10 years of my life fly by without me moving forward. Is that what they want me to do? Damn I wish I could ask them right now. But it's Saturday and they're probably busy picnicing in the woods or climbing Mount Everest

Please, anyone out there, say you agree with me? Perhaps some of you out there have also been confronted with this "you're not stable enough"-thing? Perhaps you've also been told you're not strong enough to do certain things you wanted to do? But you did it anyway? Because it was your DREAM, your AMBITION, your GOAL? And you SUCCEEDED? You SHOWED them?
Love, cirkusrat.

You're strong enough.

first if studying in uni is you goal and ambition to get the degree, then you should so this.
he who has a 'why' can manage through any 'how'.

looking from their side, maybe they want you to stay to discourage you. so you can be a permanent patient of theirs. many docs here dont like letting go of their patients so easily. they treat patients like a cash cow.

they could be right that maybe you're not right. i mean if bpd were a physical ailment suppose a broken leg. then you wouldnt be ready to play football the next week after you break a leg.

i say this cause i had a similar chance to go to new country last march. i was unstable and overwhelmed and thought of going. but the anxiety took over n i cancelled uni admission n returned in a week.

i dont regret returning as much as i regret not being prepared enough before going.
like i should've studied the course structure, the job prospects before applying to the uni.

since you know this is what you want to do, then you should go. regarding instability maybe you can take some things from here so you dont feel so left out there. i took a rubiks cube. maybe there would be something similar.a nice memory.

it takes time to settle but you should surely go and not let go of the opportunity. think of the job prospects over there. the big salary you'll get after your study. your lifestyle will get much better.

i dont think it will solve many bpd issues but the overall you'll be glad you did this degree and completed the uni.

dont do this to prove to others or to shove them in their faces. that'll consume mental energy. think about urself n ur loved ones. give ur career the importance it deserves.

i have a chance to go to uni next week n its in a new city. i'm still overwhelmed but not as bad as last year.

pamelaperejil wrote:You're strong enough.

Thank you so much. These four words can mean the world sometimes.

jaus tail wrote:first if studying in uni is you goal and ambition to get the degree, then you should so this.
he who has a 'why' can manage through any 'how'.

looking from their side, maybe they want you to stay to discourage you. so you can be a permanent patient of theirs. many docs here dont like letting go of their patients so easily. they treat patients like a cash cow.

they could be right that maybe you're not right. i mean if bpd were a physical ailment suppose a broken leg. then you wouldnt be ready to play football the next week after you break a leg.

i say this cause i had a similar chance to go to new country last march. i was unstable and overwhelmed and thought of going. but the anxiety took over n i cancelled uni admission n returned in a week.

i dont regret returning as much as i regret not being prepared enough before going.
like i should've studied the course structure, the job prospects before applying to the uni.

since you know this is what you want to do, then you should go. regarding instability maybe you can take some things from here so you dont feel so left out there. i took a rubiks cube. maybe there would be something similar.a nice memory.

it takes time to settle but you should surely go and not let go of the opportunity. think of the job prospects over there. the big salary you'll get after your study. your lifestyle will get much better.

i dont think it will solve many bpd issues but the overall you'll be glad you did this degree and completed the uni.

dont do this to prove to others or to shove them in their faces. that'll consume mental energy. think about urself n ur loved ones. give ur career the importance it deserves.

i have a chance to go to uni next week n its in a new city. i'm still overwhelmed but not as bad as last year.

First off, thanks for your long reply. Your words encouraged me that this is the right thing for me to do. I agree with you that it is important to be prepared and informed before undergoing such a big change in life. You know, being ready for it. Both mentally, and when considering practical aspects. That is also why I'm convinced that this is the right decision. Because I AM prepared.

This morning, probably less than an hour ago, I checked my inbox and saw that I've been admitted to a dormitory. I can't describe in words how happy I am. I'm so excited I want to jump and scream and cheer from the top of my lungs I had received a letter saying I was no. 15 in the queue for a room at one of the big dormitorys in the new city where I'll study. So I had visited the website of the dormitory, viewed their photo gallery, etc., just to see what it could be like to live at such a dormitory. And it made me so wistful and longing after being a part of such a community with other young people I've got things in common with. You see, the photos of their common TV rooms, the Friday bar, the common outdoor areas with the terraces and tables and benches, the volleyball field, the barbeque area, the campfire etc. I'm longing so deeply to be a part of all this! And yesterday afternoon, when I stepped into the train to go to work, a young man my age smiled at me and it just warmed my heart so much, because I just feel so isolated and alone at the moment. It made my realize what it will mean to me to move to this new place where I'll meet young people like me as I move into the dormitory and attend uni, get the chance to make friends, get to know people and get someone to talk to instead of this lonely, empty, isolated, boring, depressing life I'm living right now and have been for such a long time...
So it just made me so happy to see that I've gotten a room at the dormitory. And this happiness and joy and thrill of anticipation just tells me, once again, that this is the only right thing to do. I can't wait to get there. And I'm not doing this for others. I'm doing it for me. Because this is what I need. I can feel that this will probably help me get better. Though the change itself won't be able to remove or cure my BPD symptoms/traits, I do believe it's an important step on the road of recovery/getting better/changing/developing myself. Because I'll build a social network, I'll be among people I can relate to which will allow me to get a better sense of self and understanding of who I am and who I want to be, I'll have things to fill into the emptiness and loneliness inside, I'll have some content in my life, a daily structure. Something to wake up to every day. A reason to keep on fighting. Something to live for.
Jaus, you wrote that you have the chance to start uni in a new city soon. I'd like to hear if you decided to go? Also, regarding the instability. I find it a good tip to bring something like a nice memory to hold on to. I just am not 100% sure what you mean in terms of this and instability? Do you mean that bringing something like for example a Rubix cube can help you cope with all the new things?
Best regards to all of you reading this, cirkusrat.

It made my realize what it will mean to me to move to this new place where I'll meet young people like me as I move into the dormitory and attend uni, get the chance to make friends, get to know people and get someone to talk to instead of this lonely, empty, isolated, boring, depressing life I'm living right now and have been for such a long time...

Hi. Just wanted to give a friendly warning. going to a different location doesnt necessarily cure depression. our issues go with us. maybe dont expect disney level happiness. i say this because i expected disney level happiness that the new place will solve all my life issues. but it doesnt work like that.

i once went on a solo trip hoping it would solve all life problems but it didn't work. issues only got worse. and it was the worst trip ever.

Jaus, you wrote that you have the chance to start uni in a new city soon. I'd like to hear if you decided to go? Also, regarding the instability. I find it a good tip to bring something like a nice memory to hold on to. I just am not 100% sure what you mean in terms of this and instability? Do you mean that bringing something like for example a Rubix cube can help you cope with all the new things?
Best regards to all of you reading this, cirkusrat.

i'm in hell. i'm in the uni but i shouldn't have left my job. back then i wanted to change the world n got knows what n do something with my life n i didnt value where i already was. i was angry with my caretaker. but we've sort of made peace now n the old employer wont take me back so i'm stuck studying at uni.

jaus tail wrote:

It made my realize what it will mean to me to move to this new place where I'll meet young people like me as I move into the dormitory and attend uni, get the chance to make friends, get to know people and get someone to talk to instead of this lonely, empty, isolated, boring, depressing life I'm living right now and have been for such a long time...

Hi. Just wanted to give a friendly warning. going to a different location doesnt necessarily cure depression. our issues go with us. maybe dont expect disney level happiness. i say this because i expected disney level happiness that the new place will solve all my life issues. but it doesnt work like that.

i once went on a solo trip hoping it would solve all life problems but it didn't work. issues only got worse. and it was the worst trip ever.

Jaus, you wrote that you have the chance to start uni in a new city soon. I'd like to hear if you decided to go? Also, regarding the instability. I find it a good tip to bring something like a nice memory to hold on to. I just am not 100% sure what you mean in terms of this and instability? Do you mean that bringing something like for example a Rubix cube can help you cope with all the new things?
Best regards to all of you reading this, cirkusrat.

i'm in hell. i'm in the uni but i shouldn't have left my job. back then i wanted to change the world n got knows what n do something with my life n i didnt value where i already was. i was angry with my caretaker. but we've sort of made peace now n the old employer wont take me back so i'm stuck studying at uni.

Good evening Thanks for your reply. I'll keep this in mind. I know what you mean. And I think it's important to remember that. Because, well. BPD (and about every other mental disorder) is something that stems from the inside of a person. Changing the surroundings of this person might make some things different. BUT it won't cure the problem itself, because it's something manifested inside. So you can't flee from your problems. However, I do believe that - though the process of moving to this new city, moving into the dormitory, starting uni etc.won't REMOVE my emptiness, loneliness, emptiness, depressed feelings - it will ease some of the pain. Because right now, I'm so very isolated and lonely, and the fact that I'm not not around people, don't have anyone to visit nor anyone visiting me, no-one to talk to etc., just really reinforces the chronic emptiness, loneliness, depression etc. caused by my BPD. So I believe the change will at least be able to BETTER some of my BPD symptoms, though not curing/removing them.

Aww man. I'm sorry to hear about your current situation.
"back then i wanted to change the world n got knows what n do something with my life n i didnt value where i already was" - guess it's the identity issues there, right? Did you have to move to a new city in order to start uni? And the subject you study, is it something you like/something that motivates you, at least? Or does it seem impossible to get out of bed and go there in the morning?

cirkusrat wrote:Aww man. I'm sorry to hear about your current situation.
"back then i wanted to change the world n got knows what n do something with my life n i didnt value where i already was" - guess it's the identity issues there, right? Did you have to move to a new city in order to start uni? And the subject you study, is it something you like/something that motivates you, at least? Or does it seem impossible to get out of bed and go there in the morning?

yeah its the identity issue. back then i was so caught up with my past i was googling up how to get over depression and how to get over regret n such. i didnt take the job seriously. i mean i did the work that was assigned to me, but i didnt take an effort to initiate any friendship with anyone.

jaus tail wrote:

cirkusrat wrote:Aww man. I'm sorry to hear about your current situation.
"back then i wanted to change the world n got knows what n do something with my life n i didnt value where i already was" - guess it's the identity issues there, right? Did you have to move to a new city in order to start uni? And the subject you study, is it something you like/something that motivates you, at least? Or does it seem impossible to get out of bed and go there in the morning?

yeah its the identity issue. back then i was so caught up with my past i was googling up how to get over depression and how to get over regret n such. i didnt take the job seriously. i mean i did the work that was assigned to me, but i didnt take an effort to initiate any friendship with anyone.

Somehow, we don't see the true value of things until we've lost them... Why doesn't your ex-employer want you back? And how's uni, does it motivate you or do you just feel like not getting out of bed and going there?

cirkusrat wrote:Somehow, we don't see the true value of things until we've lost them... Why doesn't your ex-employer want you back? And how's uni, does it motivate you or do you just feel like not getting out of bed and going there?

My ex employer doesnt want me back because they've hired someone else for that job. there was another opening that required very good communication skills. My boss called me for an interview but i lacked communication skills.

while i was working the boss was insisting i make a career in that company but i didnt want to do it as i wanted to do 'technical' stuff and because the work at that company was very easy so i didnt like it.

now i realize that it was bliss.