I like to upset my partner and I don’t know how to stop

I like to trigger my partner’s sensory issues. I feel great remorse for doing it while also feeling satisfied whenever they get angry and yells at me for it. I do it because I like them yelling at me, but I also feel like the only times they pay attention to me is when they are angry at me or when we fight. The paying attention is another issue that I deal with. I constantly feel like my partner does not listen to me, wven when they are talking to me directly. But they also tend to space out and not answer me too, so whenever I feel like they arent paying attention to me I yell at them to pay attention to me. But “paying attention” means to give me affection and when they do just that it feels so fake and empty with their “i love you”s even though I know they do cause they would never leave me. Going back to the sensory issues, I recently have been doing that triggering thing to get their attention and it works! At least to my standards cause again, I only feel like they are paying attention when they’re angry at me or yelling at me. I also have started doing it when they make me upset or mad as a way of “payback”. But I want to stop because it brings them physical pain and they freak out to the point of hitting themselves when I do it. I dont want that part of the response cause I feel bad when they do that. But I don’t know how to quit it cause now it just comes off as impulsivity now. But i like the anger it gets out of them, I like the yelling that happens, I just don’t like that I’m causing them pain. I don’t know what to do. I dont know how I can get myself to recognize that they are paying attention to me when they just talk to me and not when they are yelling at me or giving me affection. Can anybody help me or tell me what happened to them if they ever have hurt their partner for something like this?

So basically you have no problem with causing your partner emotional pain. Its just the physical pain that bothers you. That sounds rather abusive tbh, BPD or not, that you enjoy causing your partner emotional pain.

Why don't you try talking to him about your feelings of not being paid attention? I think it is wrong to purposely cause your partner emotional pain.

You like upsetting or causing harm.
So you're a sadist on top of borderline or narcissistic or all 3

First things first-I'm not terribly happy with the previous replies. I came here in hopes of finding a more supportive environment, but it seems anywhere one goes there will be some misunderstanding and judgement.

Having said that, I would like to say I DO understand what you are talking about, and in my humble opinion I think it it's neither sadism, nor narcissism. I think it's just part of BPD. From what I've read, BPD seems to really focus on (but is not exclusive to) a fear of abandonment-whether merely imagined or real. People having BPD seek to avoid that at all cost, whether it is by constantly needing reassurance and attention, or pushing loved ones away in a sort of protective defense mechanism (either to see if said loved one will pursue them with loving vigor or a sort of "do it to them before they do it to me" thing). Both have to do with self worth and self love, or in the case of someone with BPD, a lack thereof. Doing these is either the temporary salve of "proof" they love you, or the cozy blanket of leaving before they can leave you (at least you were in control of it)

But that's just it.....control.

These things wear on a partner, so one must illicit the same reactions but with new methods-thus a sort of odd impulse to hurt them begins. It's a control thing-one can't control their own feelings, so they do something that in a way manipulates and controls the emotions of the one closest to them. It creates the check and balance of reassurance BPD's need. Extreme, I know. But no one said this was the Kitten & Rainbows Personality Disorder.

As far as stopping-it's easier said than done.
I could sit here and say when you feel that urge rising (it's almost like a hot liquid, isn't it?) up in you to poke the proverbial bear, take a deep breath, count to some arbitrary number and remember "XYZ".....

but I'd be a hypocrite.

What needs to be done to stop the behavior (and is also the hardest part of this) is NOT WANTING TO UPSET THEM. That doesn't happen until you feel--and can TRUST the feeling--that person is really showing you the attention you need. And until you recognize this, and not upsetting your partner is greater than the Balm of Reassurance upsetting them gives you, I'm afraid it will continue.

Do you really love your partner? If so then why do you enjoy causing them such pain?
You obviously have a very great need for attention. And causing them pain and seeing them react in extreme ways makes you feel that they care?

But if you don’t already realise this, you need to understand, them going crazy and getting upset is not them caring. You may think they’ll never leave you but you are going to drive them away with this behaviour or you will ruin them.
You admit it’s your need for attention that’s driving this and also admit you’re harming your partner so your need for attention is obviously more important to you than your partners health. That’s not really love is it. They’re just serving a purpose to give you that attention you so desperately need by the sounds of it.

Why don’t you like it when they hit themselves? Is it cause you don’t like seeing them in physical pain? Can you appreciate the psychological damage you may be causing will be hurting them more than the physical pain of hitting themself on the head?
At the end of the day, if you keep behaving in this way you will lose them, eventually.
So if that’s not what you want, I suggest you seek proper help to stop.
Realise that this person does not exist solely to give you attention. And just because they don’t, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. But if you continue to behave in this way, they will stop caring about you. So let that be your motivation to stop ‘upsetting’ them.
I wouldn’t be so secure they’re not going to leave if I were you...
they’re probably sick to death of your demands.