Skipping the part where I stop making the same mistakes

I go through these cycles of remorse. Feel bad because of BPD (or life in general). Do something stupid or selfish to ease my feelings. Feel remorse. Apologize/make reparations/forgive myself. Feel better. But the problem is going through this process doesn't stop me from doing the same sort of thing again when I'm upset. I skip the part where you decide not to allow yourself to behave like that again.

I find myself offering the same advice to others: forgive yourself and move on. Mistakes happen. ###$ ups happen. But do they? Is making the same mistakes over and over an inevitable part of BPD? Or am I just giving myself a free pass on some sketchy $#%^ because of BPD? Does it make a difference that I usually forgive others the same kinds of mistakes as I need forgiveness for? Where do you draw the line between forgiveness and self condemnation, between letting things go and holding yourself accountable?

Am I being too easy on myself?

I think it's less about forgiveness and more about picking up on what cycles you're trapped in, noticing the red flags, trying to find a way to break the cycle. I found it was never-ending otherwise - I'd screw up, I'd feel bad, I'd do something to ease that feeling, rinse and repeat. I don't mean that you shouldn't forgive yourself for things, especially if they're due to BPD, equally I don't mean that having BPD gives anyone a free pass to make mistakes. The cycle needs to break through something else.

I get stuck in cycles like this with people I date. I get a bad abandonment paranoia moment, I assume my partner's going to leave me, I self-destructively try and ruin the relationship, I break down and beg for forgiveness, I struggle with guilt and self-hatred, I eventually forgive myself, I get another bad paranoia moment, and so the cycle continues. The way I'm trying to break it is to take a step back as soon as the abandonment paranoia kicks in. I tell my partner I need some time out from messaging / interacting because my brain's acting up (so they know I'm not ignoring them and know what's going on), I have a good vent to a helpline, I listen to loud music, I wait out the paranoia. When I've calmed down, I then ask for reassurance from my partner that everything is okay. It's extremely hard to manage it and not give in to the paranoia, and I still screw up, but I found it helped to deal with stuff like that in that way instead of letting it cycle round.

That's just an example, I don't know if it helps or not. You're not being too easy on yourself by being forgiving, but equally the cycle won't break if all that happens is forgiveness - action is needed too. I hope that makes sense.

raptureblues wrote:You're not being too easy on yourself by being forgiving, but equally the cycle won't break if all that happens is forgiveness - action is needed too. I hope that makes sense.

It does. Thank you.

I think forgiving yourself is important. I know what you mean about feeling like it’s kinda giving you a free pass to do it again but if you don’t forgive yourself it’ll be worse.
The added pain of not forgiving yourself will make you more likely to make those same mistakes in my opinion.
Cause also, forgiveness is needed in order to move on from something. If you don’t you kinda end up stuck. I don’t truly forgive myself i think that’s my problem.
Maybe whatever the mistake is, the only way to stop it is to identify the root cause of why you keep repeating it so you can work on that instead.

i've made the same mistake thousands of time and each time i cry.

my friend said that we cant change a machine's output unless we change the input or the machine/system.

so i cannot really change my behavior unless i seek help(change input) or change the system(lifestyle)

i've changed the lifestyle to a more healthy one now with regular exercise n gardening. although i havent been in triggering situation yet to repeat my mistake.

Here's the problem (in my view): those kinds of intense "borderline moments" mostly happen to me in specific circumstances at work or because of work. If I could just find the right work environment, it wouldn't be such a problem. The job's I've had for the last ten years or so have been absolutely miserable, and I think that's mostly not my fault. The jobs have just been $#%^. I believe it's possible to find the right job, but it will take time and luck. I've made considerable progress both in distress tolerance and in overall worldview and emotional maturity, I think. Coping skills won't work indefinitely in a miserable environment (and my options are few because of my spotty job history) but... assuming I can find the right job, I'll be fine. I think.

Most of the other stuff: the drinking, the junk food, the oversleeping, the impulse shopping, the attention whoring on the internet... these are done in response to stress, and my stress in recent years has been considerable. Either I'm overworked at a miserable job or I don't have a job. I realize that I've set myself up for that by past mistakes. But I recognize that if my circumstances were better, my behavior would be better, and I would be progressing faster. It's just that, so far, my circumstances haven't changed. I still struggle to find work and then, when I get it, work in a miserable and intolerable environment, standing it for as long as I can until my patience just gives out. That's not the BPD, it's the #######5 circumstances, and the proof of that is how many other people have quit these same jobs and their behavior while they were there. Giving those factors, I feel I'm actually doing well, it just doesn't look like it. When you're drowning, even managing to keep your head above the water one minute at a time is a considerable accomplishment, though it doesn't feel that way when others are swimming laps around you.

But besides anger or stress related problems, my main problem now is just the overall crappy quality of my life, which is so banal that I constantly feel the need to escape it. I feel like I've just given up on life, that I've tacitly admitted to myself that there's no possibility of reality ever being tolerable so I've stopped even trying. I can't even imagine what contentment would look like for me. There's nothing to work for, no goal that I think I can achieve, and so I drown my senses in momentary pleasures to dull the pain, or the banality. That's the cycle, but I don't know how to fix it. I can't even imagine what a "better life" would look like. I don't want to die (and I'm not threatening suicide), it's just that I can't think of a reason to live. I feel like I've tried so long and so hard but I just don't feel like trying anymore. I really have made an effort, but that effort hasn't yielded much success. I'm afraid that if things don't change soon, that I'll just give up and resign myself to a life of addiction, delusion, and escapism.

I can't even imagine what contentment would look like for me. There's nothing to work for, no goal that I think I can achieve, and so I drown my senses in momentary pleasures to dull the pain, or the banality. That's the cycle, but I don't know how to fix it. I can't even imagine what a "better life" would look like. I don't want to die (and I'm not threatening suicide), it's just that I can't think of a reason to live. I feel like I've tried so long and so hard but I just don't feel like trying anymore. I really have made an effort, but that effort hasn't yielded much success.

I totally agree with you. This is part of my cycle also. And I don't know how to break it. I find sometimes therapy helps, but there is always this low part of the cycle.