BPD anger/rage

Hey there! I was lurking and saw your post. Full disclosures I do not have BPD but a relative does. I think I might know a few things that help. Personally I have anxiety that presents with anger and rage so I get it.

1. Assume positive intent when possible. Sounds easier than it is but if you practice it helps. Even finding silver linings even jokingly can help I.e. J at work is super bossy and annoying but at least I know she make sure the work gets done! That sort of thing. Be careful what you say out loud on this one lol.

2. Don’t feed in to vilifying or splitting. Most people aren’t all good or all bad. If you try to stay out of the always mentality and absolutes it will help. Also takes some practice to get it perfect.

3. Find a way to cope. I read. If I have a conflict I don’t know how to solve and am raging mad I research how others have dealt with my problem or I read and get perspective and realize it could be much worse. This works for me but find your thing. A way to self soothe. It sounds childish but it makes you feel stronger and empowered to fix your problem or at least brainstorm ideas. For the thing with your roommate you could have written down a plan of what you wanted to say the next day to let her know it made you feel violated. You’ll miss some opportunities on this one but that is okay use it when you are clear headed enough to apply it and with practice it will seem more natural when you are in crisis.

4. Research emotional intelligence or watch a video. I have taken a few of these types of classes online as e learnings and my God they helped me figure out how to deescalate even while raging.

5. Read the book Crucial Conversations. I just did a training on this book and it legit helped me figure out my emotions better and taught me how to confront an issue without getting to the point of raging. This book changed my life. If you adopt only one thing on this list it should be reading this book.

6. Be honest and open about how your disability/ disorder impacts you with the people who love you. Let them know how you trigger and how to help deescalate you.They want you to feel happy and loved. Help them help you. For instance I told my husband I need to feel heard by him so we now use to sandwich method in conflict. He repeats my problem back in his own words, acknowledges his role, and gives an apology then we end the talk by brainstorming what we both can do to avoid the issue in the future. This technique only works and continues if you also use the sandwich method when the other person has a conflict as well. So make sure you are putting in what your getting out of the situation. Think even Steven trade.

I hope something in this helps you. I am proud of you for looking for answers to your anger that is really awesome.

TiredLioness wrote: 1. Assume positive intent when possible. Sounds easier than it is but if you practice it helps. Even finding silver linings even jokingly can help I.e. J at work is super bossy and annoying but at least I know she make sure the work gets done! That sort of thing. Be careful what you say out loud on this one lol.

the fact that my best friend/roommate is an angel helps me out with this one. I know logically that there's never any ill intent behind anything she does, it's probably why I'm able to hold back from losing it at her even when I can't control the internal feelings.

TiredLioness wrote:2. Don’t feed in to vilifying or splitting. Most people aren’t all good or all bad. If you try to stay out of the always mentality and absolutes it will help. Also takes some practice to get it perfect.

this is something I know very well and I've worked hard to avoid speaking in absolutes. not thinking it is harder but I do try!

TiredLioness wrote:3. Find a way to cope. I read. If I have a conflict I don’t know how to solve and am raging mad I research how others have dealt with my problem or I read and get perspective and realize it could be much worse. This works for me but find your thing. A way to self soothe. It sounds childish but it makes you feel stronger and empowered to fix your problem or at least brainstorm ideas. For the thing with your roommate you could have written down a plan of what you wanted to say the next day to let her know it made you feel violated. You’ll miss some opportunities on this one but that is okay use it when you are clear headed enough to apply it and with practice it will seem more natural when you are in crisis.

I'm a researcher too! it definitely helps calm me down. gets my brain off the hamster wheel of whatever I'm mad about.

TiredLioness wrote:4. Research emotional intelligence or watch a video. I have taken a few of these types of classes online as e learnings and my God they helped me figure out how to deescalate even while raging.

I have so much knowledge around all this stuff, all the years of therapy and everything else plus having done a few years of a psych degree has me well equipped. I think it's why I'm less externally reactive than I was in younger years.

TiredLioness wrote:5. Read the book Crucial Conversations. I just did a training on this book and it legit helped me figure out my emotions better and taught me how to confront an issue without getting to the point of raging. This book changed my life. If you adopt only one thing on this list it should be reading this book.

the book looks interesting. I suspect the content is similar to that in The High Conflict Couple which is a fantastic book about communication based on DBT and validation.

TiredLioness wrote:6. Be honest and open about how your disability/ disorder impacts you with the people who love you. Let them know how you trigger and how to help deescalate you.They want you to feel happy and loved. Help them help you. For instance I told my husband I need to feel heard by him so we now use to sandwich method in conflict. He repeats my problem back in his own words, acknowledges his role, and gives an apology then we end the talk by brainstorming what we both can do to avoid the issue in the future. This technique only works and continues if you also use the sandwich method when the other person has a conflict as well. So make sure you are putting in what your getting out of the situation. Think even Steven trade.

she knows all about my anger spells and the BPD and my irrational reactions to ridiculous situations. she's never managed to trigger me into actually having any sort of conflict with her, we've never fought in 12 years of friendship. I always feel heard and understood by her and she's got a natural skill for validation. she's any BPD person's dream friend lol.

thanks for the post, some good tips!

Good evening.
Personally, I can be very irritable. It happens a lot when I've been among too many people for too long. Eg., if I have to run an errand one day and need to take the bus, walk through shops with people everywhere talking and breathing and being in the way etc. Go back to the bus station, wait for the bus at the station with people staring or doing other stupid things, get into the bus, eventually spend another 45 minutes in the bus surrounded by people that irritate me. By then, I'm so exhausted and burned-out and irritated as hell. My nerves are run down and sitting on the outside of my clothes. I feel like a ticking bomb in these situations. It's a sign that I've gotten too many inputs and need to withdraw from everything and everyone and usually lay down to sleep in my quiet apartment. Sometimes, I like to listen to calming instrumental music. I especially like Asian flute music. No vocals for these situations, preferably. You know, doing somthing like mindfulness. Just laying down, focusing on your breathing, maybe put on some mindful music.
The irritability can also occur out of nowhere sometimes. It's just everything that irritates me in these cases, the heat outside, the cars driving by, my clothes not fitting properly, my own body. It's like a physical sensation of parasites crawling on my skin. Then I use to tell myself, better search for some mindfulness exercises on youtube later. But often, it even helps to just withdraw from everything, turn of the light and any noises, roll down the curtains, lay down, close my eyes.
At least, one thing's for sure: When I feel this irritated by everything and everybody and myself and my own body, I need my cigarette. And my diet soda.
I don't know if I helped at all. But thought I'd give my input now that you mentioned Buddhism. Hope it gets better. Greetings, cirkusrat.

Today.

After I came back from the gym, when my husband got home from work, he suggested we go out to run some errands. I don't know why but I was already rubbed the wrong way--I was not feeling social at all, and the gym was enough "people-ing" for me for the day. He could tell and suggested I stay home and take some alone time (bless this man for understanding me sometimes), but I declined. Sometimes when I feel this way, I NEED to attack it head on.

Not the greatest of things to do, at least today. By the time we got to the grocery store, I could feel myself just bristle with every irrational slight that occurred. I went to pick up grilled chicken and a bottle of wine, and there was a long wait at the food counter, and I just couldn't. I found my husband in one of the aisles, handed him my bottle of wine and told him I was overwhelmed and becoming full of rage. He sighed heavy and shook his head and almost asked why, so I snapped "I don't know because this is who I am as a person!" (damn this man for not understanding me sometimes), and decided to wait in the car. I was able to calm myself some there.
I'm thankful I did--an hour later my husband finally comes back. It took that much longer to finish the shopping; the wine had to be rung up in a separate lane, then that register went down mid transaction, and then he had to move to a different lane for the food, etc etc etc. Had I stayed through all of that it probably would have lead to a full on anger melt down. Even just listening to him talk about it raised my hackles again.

Point is, I try to confront these moments head on-to breathe through them and understand that what I may perceive as a slight or infuriating moment is just a mild inconvenience for others, and try to approach it with grace. And sometimes, I need to remove myself from the situation altogether, for fear of a rage in me that is pure sunshine. I wish I had something that worked each time without fail.

cirkusrat wrote:Good evening.
Personally, I can be very irritable. It happens a lot when I've been among too many people for too long. Eg., if I have to run an errand one day and need to take the bus, walk through shops with people everywhere talking and breathing and being in the way etc. Go back to the bus station, wait for the bus at the station with people staring or doing other stupid things, get into the bus, eventually spend another 45 minutes in the bus surrounded by people that irritate me. By then, I'm so exhausted and burned-out and irritated as hell. My nerves are run down and sitting on the outside of my clothes. I feel like a ticking bomb in these situations. It's a sign that I've gotten too many inputs and need to withdraw from everything and everyone and usually lay down to sleep in my quiet apartment. Sometimes, I like to listen to calming instrumental music. I especially like Asian flute music. No vocals for these situations, preferably. You know, doing somthing like mindfulness. Just laying down, focusing on your breathing, maybe put on some mindful music.
The irritability can also occur out of nowhere sometimes. It's just everything that irritates me in these cases, the heat outside, the cars driving by, my clothes not fitting properly, my own body. It's like a physical sensation of parasites crawling on my skin. Then I use to tell myself, better search for some mindfulness exercises on youtube later. But often, it even helps to just withdraw from everything, turn of the light and any noises, roll down the curtains, lay down, close my eyes.
At least, one thing's for sure: When I feel this irritated by everything and everybody and myself and my own body, I need my cigarette. And my diet soda.
I don't know if I helped at all. But thought I'd give my input now that you mentioned Buddhism. Hope it gets better. Greetings, cirkusrat.

unfortunately, this was happening when I was already spending a lot of time alone. I think that was part of the problem. at some point I suddenly found I was spending a lot of time socializing, going out seeing someone nearly every day, and actually having to make a point of taking the occasional day for myself, and since that's been going on I've been feeling a lot calmer, happier and less angry. I've also been nurturing a brand new connection with someone and that's taking a lot of my focus and energy right now so there's not much left over for anger over trivial things, haha.

thanks for the post though! I'm glad you have such clear ideas about what you need! that's great

-- Sun Jul 29, 2018 8:35 am --

pinkdestruct wrote:Today.

After I came back from the gym, when my husband got home from work, he suggested we go out to run some errands. I don't know why but I was already rubbed the wrong way--I was not feeling social at all, and the gym was enough "people-ing" for me for the day. He could tell and suggested I stay home and take some alone time (bless this man for understanding me sometimes), but I declined. Sometimes when I feel this way, I NEED to attack it head on.

Not the greatest of things to do, at least today. By the time we got to the grocery store, I could feel myself just bristle with every irrational slight that occurred. I went to pick up grilled chicken and a bottle of wine, and there was a long wait at the food counter, and I just couldn't. I found my husband in one of the aisles, handed him my bottle of wine and told him I was overwhelmed and becoming full of rage. He sighed heavy and shook his head and almost asked why, so I snapped "I don't know because this is who I am as a person!" (damn this man for not understanding me sometimes), and decided to wait in the car. I was able to calm myself some there.
I'm thankful I did--an hour later my husband finally comes back. It took that much longer to finish the shopping; the wine had to be rung up in a separate lane, then that register went down mid transaction, and then he had to move to a different lane for the food, etc etc etc. Had I stayed through all of that it probably would have lead to a full on anger melt down. Even just listening to him talk about it raised my hackles again.

Point is, I try to confront these moments head on-to breathe through them and understand that what I may perceive as a slight or infuriating moment is just a mild inconvenience for others, and try to approach it with grace. And sometimes, I need to remove myself from the situation altogether, for fear of a rage in me that is pure sunshine. I wish I had something that worked each time without fail.

hate days like that! luckily I'm quite good at listening to my intuition like 99% of the time, and I do what I need to do for myself instead of throwing myself into situations where I'm bound to have a bad time.

none of the situations that were happening for me were the types of situations where I needed to leave something that was happening, it was mainly things where I would come home and some silly little thing about the state of the place would bother me. it wasn't like social situations or whatnot. unfortunately I can't remove myself from my own brain, but wouldn't that be neat if we could!

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:

cirkusrat wrote:Good evening.
Personally, I can be very irritable. It happens a lot when I've been among too many people for too long. Eg., if I have to run an errand one day and need to take the bus, walk through shops with people everywhere talking and breathing and being in the way etc. Go back to the bus station, wait for the bus at the station with people staring or doing other stupid things, get into the bus, eventually spend another 45 minutes in the bus surrounded by people that irritate me. By then, I'm so exhausted and burned-out and irritated as hell. My nerves are run down and sitting on the outside of my clothes. I feel like a ticking bomb in these situations. It's a sign that I've gotten too many inputs and need to withdraw from everything and everyone and usually lay down to sleep in my quiet apartment. Sometimes, I like to listen to calming instrumental music. I especially like Asian flute music. No vocals for these situations, preferably. You know, doing somthing like mindfulness. Just laying down, focusing on your breathing, maybe put on some mindful music.
The irritability can also occur out of nowhere sometimes. It's just everything that irritates me in these cases, the heat outside, the cars driving by, my clothes not fitting properly, my own body. It's like a physical sensation of parasites crawling on my skin. Then I use to tell myself, better search for some mindfulness exercises on youtube later. But often, it even helps to just withdraw from everything, turn of the light and any noises, roll down the curtains, lay down, close my eyes.
At least, one thing's for sure: When I feel this irritated by everything and everybody and myself and my own body, I need my cigarette. And my diet soda.
I don't know if I helped at all. But thought I'd give my input now that you mentioned Buddhism. Hope it gets better. Greetings, cirkusrat.

unfortunately, this was happening when I was already spending a lot of time alone. I think that was part of the problem. at some point I suddenly found I was spending a lot of time socializing, going out seeing someone nearly every day, and actually having to make a point of taking the occasional day for myself, and since that's been going on I've been feeling a lot calmer, happier and less angry. I've also been nurturing a brand new connection with someone and that's taking a lot of my focus and energy right now so there's not much left over for anger over trivial things, haha.

thanks for the post though! I'm glad you have such clear ideas about what you need! that's great

Hey, you're welcome, glad I might have been able to help in some way And thanks for replying to my reply. Sorry btw I for not havign replied till now, didn't check the "notify me when a reply is posted" thing
What was it that irritated you/made you angry when you were alone, then? Though I know the feeling. Like I wrote, my irritability/anger/rage might occure out of nowhere. My own body irritates me, cars driving by, the heat, my clothes become loser and loser each day. And those goddamn flies in my apartment, can't stand them!!! Actually having a fly swatter laying beside me on the couch as I'm writing this But guess there's not much I can do about them, it's the heat and the season...Noticed an insect/fly net in the local Aldi around the corner from where I live recently, though. Might go there soon and buy one for my terrace door...
Great to hear about your relationship. Relationships with people you like and relax around certainly can be healing. They're the opposite than those overload of inputs that can be triggered by being around too many people you don't know and have nothing in common with. Greetings, cirkusrat.

cirkusrat wrote:

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:
unfortunately, this was happening when I was already spending a lot of time alone. I think that was part of the problem. at some point I suddenly found I was spending a lot of time socializing, going out seeing someone nearly every day, and actually having to make a point of taking the occasional day for myself, and since that's been going on I've been feeling a lot calmer, happier and less angry. I've also been nurturing a brand new connection with someone and that's taking a lot of my focus and energy right now so there's not much left over for anger over trivial things, haha.

thanks for the post though! I'm glad you have such clear ideas about what you need! that's great

Hey, you're welcome, glad I might have been able to help in some way And thanks for replying to my reply. Sorry btw I for not havign replied till now, didn't check the "notify me when a reply is posted" thing
What was it that irritated you/made you angry when you were alone, then? Though I know the feeling. Like I wrote, my irritability/anger/rage might occure out of nowhere. My own body irritates me, cars driving by, the heat, my clothes become loser and loser each day. And those goddamn flies in my apartment, can't stand them!!! Actually having a fly swatter laying beside me on the couch as I'm writing this But guess there's not much I can do about them, it's the heat and the season...Noticed an insect/fly net in the local Aldi around the corner from where I live recently, though. Might go there soon and buy one for my terrace door...
Great to hear about your relationship. Relationships with people you like and relax around certainly can be healing. They're the opposite than those overload of inputs that can be triggered by being around too many people you don't know and have nothing in common with. Greetings, cirkusrat.

it would be stuff around the house quite often, like recycling left sitting on the counter instead of just put right outside the door into the bin, or both big frying pans being left dirty on the stove so I have to clean one before I can cook, or my roommate leaving her stuff sitting around all over the place in our shared areas, or her boyfriend's stuff being in the house, etc etc. so I'd come home or get up or whatever and she'd be off at work but I'd see this stuff and just get super mad. I've been working on letting things go though, and just dealing with what I can without making it into a big deal in my own head. like I'll just put her recycling outside into the bin. it still annoys me a bit that she just leaves it in the house and I end up putting it in the bin, but it's not worth getting angry about so I try not to. if something isn't the way I like it, I'll just make it the way I like it, and 99% of the time it's not anything that's worth bringing up with her and I just fix my environment and let it go and then things are fine.

my problem seems to have shifted from anger to intense anxiety, haha. it's always something!

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:it would be stuff around the house quite often, like recycling left sitting on the counter instead of just put right outside the door into the bin, or both big frying pans being left dirty on the stove so I have to clean one before I can cook, or my roommate leaving her stuff sitting around all over the place in our shared areas, or her boyfriend's stuff being in the house, etc etc. so I'd come home or get up or whatever and she'd be off at work but I'd see this stuff and just get super mad. I've been working on letting things go though, and just dealing with what I can without making it into a big deal in my own head. like I'll just put her recycling outside into the bin. it still annoys me a bit that she just leaves it in the house and I end up putting it in the bin, but it's not worth getting angry about so I try not to. if something isn't the way I like it, I'll just make it the way I like it, and 99% of the time it's not anything that's worth bringing up with her and I just fix my environment and let it go and then things are fine.

my problem seems to have shifted from anger to intense anxiety, haha. it's always something!

Hey again,
aww damn, I understand these things could make one irritated, I think you don't even need to be BPD in order for this to f*** with you and your mood and make you irritated/angry as hell I live on my own so I can't relate 100%, but things like dirty dished or filled up garbage cans or the floor needing a vacuum etc. can certainly irritate me too. I know this sounds crazy as hell, but what came into my mind when reading your reply: Have you tried talking to yourself/imagining you speak to your roommate or her boyfriend, while you clean up what they've left ? Things like saying out loud, "yeah, so nice of you to leave the garbage on the counter instead of putting it out, but no problem you know, I'll be pleased to do it myself, it'll burn some calories at least, so thank you"
But nice to hear you're getting able to let go of it. NOT nice though that you've gotten anxious instead. I for sure know the phenomenon of one sumptom subsiding, only to be substituted by another... Seems like we can never get peace, right ?
But back to the irritability/rage/anger: are you doing some kind of physical exercise/workout? Maybe it could be effective in terms of getting all those aggressions out. Often I tell myself, well better go for a run today, I tell myself this when I'm in a very irritated state when I've been overloaded with inputs by being among too many people for too long. exercise will push away your thoughts and make you nice and tired, and you'll be proud of and feeling good about yourself afterwards, and it can make you calm and relaxed.

cirkusrat wrote:Hey again,
aww damn, I understand these things could make one irritated, I think you don't even need to be BPD in order for this to f*** with you and your mood and make you irritated/angry as hell I live on my own so I can't relate 100%, but things like dirty dished or filled up garbage cans or the floor needing a vacuum etc. can certainly irritate me too. I know this sounds crazy as hell, but what came into my mind when reading your reply: Have you tried talking to yourself/imagining you speak to your roommate or her boyfriend, while you clean up what they've left ? Things like saying out loud, "yeah, so nice of you to leave the garbage on the counter instead of putting it out, but no problem you know, I'll be pleased to do it myself, it'll burn some calories at least, so thank you"
But nice to hear you're getting able to let go of it. NOT nice though that you've gotten anxious instead. I for sure know the phenomenon of one sumptom subsiding, only to be substituted by another... Seems like we can never get peace, right ?
But back to the irritability/rage/anger: are you doing some kind of physical exercise/workout? Maybe it could be effective in terms of getting all those aggressions out. Often I tell myself, well better go for a run today, I tell myself this when I'm in a very irritated state when I've been overloaded with inputs by being among too many people for too long. exercise will push away your thoughts and make you nice and tired, and you'll be proud of and feeling good about yourself afterwards, and it can make you calm and relaxed.

My brain actually tends to automatically run through the potential scenario/conversation/confrontation in question, which has proven to be a great tool, because I see the negative outcome that I don't want, and am then able to make the choice to either approach it differently, or just let it go if it's not worth bringing up at all.

I used to go to the gym a few times a week but I just haven't felt up to going the last couple months or so. I think I'm bored of my routine and need to change it up but can't be bothered to figure out what I want to change it up to so I just haven't been going. I walk a lot though so it's not like I'm not getting any exercise. and this irritability isn't a new thing, it's not even as severe as it has been in the past. I think it's just part of who I am as a person, honestly, lol.

yeah the anxiety has been based around a situation with a guy and I'm thinking I'm just gonna ditch the guy and then it won't be an issue anymore. theoretically, anyway. wish me luck, lol