Help

I don't know what to do.
I feel trapped in my own feelings.
I don't want to move from this spot I'm in.
I can not take anymore.
I want to go in hospital but at the same time I don't as I don't think it's going to make me better, it might make me worse.
I don't trust the staff or the patients that might be inside. I'm worried the staff will be nasty to me. I've never been in a psych hospital myself but I've been in to visit others many times and I know what the environments like.
And if the Mental health crisis staffs previous treatment of me is anything to go by then I'm expecting inside there to be worse. Plus I don't think they'll even put me in hospital even if I beg.
They'll say I'm not a risk enough or not ill enough.
I'm also living with a paranoid schizophrenic and I don't want them to see the state I'm in. So I can't call anyone cause they never leave the house and they'll hear me.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to eat. Sleep. Move. I need to just be taken care of. Cause I'm not capable of doing it myself. And I can't force myself to right now.
I don't have any friends or family that can take care of me. Or even speak to.
I don't know what to do.
Maybe hospital is the right place for me to be in. But I don't think I can even get myself there. I feel glued to this spot. I don't want to move. I've had enough of this life.
I am not well. And plus I don't want to go in hospital anyway. I do but I don't. I think it'll make me worse right now.
What do I do. I can't handle my feelings.
I have so much rage inside me at the world too. It's toxic. And I feel I can't let it out. I'm afraid to call the crisis line as if they invalidate me one tiny bit I'm going to lose it. And they always do. They've treated me disgustingly. All the mental health staff I've reached out to have. It's like they're egging me on to kill myself. Cause they think I won't do it so they just treat me like a piece of sh*t instead. They think that's what I am. They're evil. The thought of speaking to them is already making me mad.
Sorry if I shouldn't post this here or if it's inappropriate. I just don't know what to do.

Our health service has let me down so badly. It is unacceptable that I feel this way and feel unable to access any help. I know our NHS is great and that there is so much pressure on it and many of them work incredibly hard but I can not help my feelings towards it! It's like I'm not supposed to have them. Well F*CK THEM. i am sat here feeling I can not seek help even though I am under the crisis team because I am afraid of the staff. I'm afraid the staff will say or do something to push me that little bit further into madness, then just laugh at me. Like they'll deliberately try to trigger a reaction out of me so they can say I'm abusive and use it as an excuse not to help me. It's like they hate me!!!!!
What's their problem!!!
They're evil!!! It's not just my perception! I know if you're reading this you probably think that but it's really not!!!
They want me to feel like this. They want me to kill myself I think. Maybe I am, maybe I'm just a self indulgent a*shole. Ha ha ha.
It's ok I wana die. Who cares. Who cares. If I do ever shout or get crazy it's cause they provoke me!
They turn me into an asshole. Cause they hurt me. they look down on me. They make me soooooooooooooooooooooooo maddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Our health service has let me down so badly.

true. health service or doctors often cause damage. my senior once spoke of his son who was admitted to hospital for some treatment. the son's symptoms werent reducing. extreme fever. the father asked if he could move the son to another hospital. the doctor said 'its on your own risk.'
the father took the risk n took his son to another hospital. the doctor at the new hospital said your son is being given wrong treatment.
this new doc gave right treatment n the son recovered soon.
so yeah. docs arent gods. but its better to go to some doctor n seek some treatment than to suffer.

It's like I'm not supposed to have them.

true. no one should ever have to visit a doctor. everyone deserves perfectly healthy lives.

Like they'll deliberately try to trigger a reaction out of me so they can say I'm abusive and use it as an excuse not to help me. It's like they hate me!!!!!

can you go to another doctor? my first psychiatrist would make me wait for an hour before the scheduled appointment. he had too many patients. the second doctor was more disciplined n punctual.

I feel trapped in my own feelings.
I don't want to move from this spot I'm in.
I can not take anymore.

yeah even i'm in similar place. unable to live anymore. think of some good memories or achievements. ur marksheets. ur school. some good childhood days. that person deserves to live.

I want to go in hospital but at the same time I don't as I don't think it's going to make me better, it might make me worse.

maybe visit a doctor n discuss. you're not obliged to take the medicines he gives. but at times only talking about the problem reduces the load.

I have so much rage inside me at the world too.

sadly the world is unfair. even i have rage n wish things were better. for everyone.

Sorry if I shouldn't post this here or if it's inappropriate. I just don't know what to do.

i dont think anyone can give any advice as to what to do. maybe visiting a doctor can help. often i hug a pillow n talk to myself. its ok. i'm there for you. i'm right here. saying this to myself helps.

take care.

You're right. I'm so sorry. I wish I could help, but I have no advice to offer.

Be well.

Hey Jaus Tail,
Thank you. I by some miracle found pills which I'd misplaced and slept. Feeling a tiny bit better than earlier but not by much.
With regards to my healthcare, I want to go to the doctor but today I just simply couldn't move. I couldn't make myself move. And, in the past year I have had several extremely horrible experiences which have put me off doctors and health staff completely. I now think that every single one I see is going to treat me the same.
It really is unbelievable the amount of horrible treatment I have taken.
I think going to the doc to discuss is a good idea, I'm just terrified. But I'll have to force myself. I also might change doctors again.
I won't expect anything though. Our NHS has been disgusting with me. Maybe the reason they've been so horrible is to deliberately get me to stop going to the doctors and stop seeking treatment. I genuinely believe that. I think they have tactics for trying to push away patients, especially for mental health issues, cause there are so many coming in seeking treatment for them. They're quick to push you to any other service that isn't in the NHS, if they can get away with it. I see exactly what they're doing.
It makes me so incredibly incredibly angry.
It isn't just that though, they really have done some truly terrible things to me which I won't go into detail of here as its too personal.
I want to make official complaints however, I don't see the point. As nothing will be done. I need to do something that's actually going to make a difference but nothing will.
And because I've experienced it from so many different healthcare professionals, I feel like they won't believe me. They'll think that it's me that's the problem.
I feel like they've written on my notes that I'm difficult or something or I'm confrontational. And then this has given them even more of an excuse to automatically treat me horribly. But I'm not confrontational, I went mad at a few of them and lost the plot and screamed because they weren't listening to me and treated me like utter sh*t.
I was pushed to it.
I hope it gives them satisfaction knowing the long term suffering they caused me and how I really never ever will be able to trust a healthcare professional ever again now.

I feel like I have no happy memories right now. I don't. All my happy memories are a waste. They are all with people I now hate or am no longer with. And they were when I was different people to the person I am now. This persons the real me. Just a waste of space. An empty, suffering soul. I've never been truly happy I don't think, I think the times I was I was just fooling myself.
Sorry, I'm just a big ball of optimism and joy aren't I...

Sorry to hear you're feeling that way too. It is so horrible.
I talk to myself too. I say things to myself like I would like someone else to say.
But at times like this morning I just can't. Take care.

-- Thu May 10, 2018 8:27 pm --

perejil wrote:You're right. I'm so sorry. I wish I could help, but I have no advice to offer.

Be well.

That's ok. I don't really expect anyone to know the answers. I just feel so trapped. Thank you. You too.