Anger towards my dad

I just went to my parents place for a dinner with my parents and my grandma as an early mothers day celebration
I just noticed that I am numbed because I saw my dad there.. my best caught that I was numbed after seeing them so I am asking myself what am I feeling and what is going on with me..

I figured that I am feeling so angry inside me.. like a volcano degree of anger that I am so mad at my dad who never loved me, who's been verbally abusive towards me, never showed love, never cared, never take my feelings into account, he would said things like "you look like a prostitute when I was at my teens, and all I did was to wear mini skirt during summer". My dad has undiagnosed bipolar and he has serious anger issues that would often snap on us about anything..
he would spank us with his eyes turned red and running around the house just to hit us when we were young
he is not only verbally, emotionally or physically abused me, he damages my trust towards male.. leaving me with a permanet damage in my trust towards guys and I find it very difficult to trust that they would not hurt me emotionally..
he is a very cynical and selfish human being that he would always be spreading his depressive and cynical thoughts at home about life, about people and leaving me with little happiness or hopes in everything..

the last time he snapped at me was around 1 year ago.. when I was still living at home with them, he snapped at me just because I didn't turn my light off when I left for work.. he then started to go on and on about how I see home as a hotel and things.. when he was saying all this s**t, I accidentally hit my head against the cabinet because it was a tiny room and I was turning my head.. it was so hard that there was a sound.. he couldn't care less about it and it was like he never saw it or heard that I hurt myself.. I even asked him if he saw it.. he just kept going on and on about other sh*t.. that is just to show that how much he doesn't give a d**n about me at all.... and that's why I moved out.. and that's when I started to be much happier emotionally.. finally having my own safe space...

I am still mad when I noticed that I am attracted to guys of the same type.. as selfish as my dad.. who didn't care about me for real.. who didn't even want to understand me or to get to know me at all.. I am blaming all of this s**t on him.. because of my dad.. I am so damaged inside.. I am so so broken and it is affecting how I make connection with guys and I really hope that I can move on from him.. and find someone that who truly care about me.. in time!

still mad and feeling hurt.. I am telling myself that it's okay to be mad.. I have all the reasons to be mad.. >.< I am just feeling hurt and painful.. why do I have such a dad? why God? I don't get it.. why some other people can have a better dad but the one I have is so s**t....

(feel free to share your parental sh*t here folks and thank you for reading... )

People don't change easily. Not sure the parents will.
Your dad sounds toxic. Sorry you had to go through it.
my caretaker would shout at Us if we used the toilet twice in a day.

I would sneak into kitchen n pee in a glass n hope she never found out.
If we coughed she would shout at us that we disturbed her sleep. I would choke my neck with my hands to stop coughing.
Yeah she was terrible.
I was a beggar of validation. Still am. Was full of guilt. Yeah she has ruined my mind.
I'm still attached to her n often feel guilty toward her. At times I want her to die so I can live freely with no guilt n I can blame God for Killing her.

At times I want her to die so I can live freely with no guilt n I can blame God for Killing her.

is a really weird feeling when someone dies and instead of being sad you are happy and feeling safe.maybe is anger.
they weren't even that bad so when i feel this i seem like a monster but i don't even care. my relief is so big that i have no guilt nor shame over feeling it.
i just wonder why because it seems out of propotion if you compare it with what other people did to their children and they still love them.
same with my relationships with guys.i feel there must be a connection with the way i felt for my dad.this is why i have serious problems at relationships.but i can't see the connection easily.
but my feelings seem out of proportion.
like they always said to me "others beat their kids and they are monsters and their kids still love them,you are a monster for not loving us,we didn't do that much,maybe we should have treated you worse because these kids love their parents"
they weren't as bad but i would dance on their grave from hapiness without shame.maybe it is anger.
like i logically think about letting go and peace and it doesn't matter anymore but somewhere emotionally hiding there is this huge anger that isn't going away.
is not even about dying.if they left you alone you wouldn't care but sometimes you feel death is the only solution,you can't escape any other way

-- Sun May 06, 2018 8:23 pm --

this avatar is so cute with the cat aaww

If I abandon there is guilt. But death frees me from guilt. Other parents lie that their kids love them. Most people like to make an image that everyone loves them.

i don't get guilt.i only get it for my mother. my problem was money. if i had money to be independent in the past i wouldn't mind be cruel.
maybe i wouldn't even be angry. ii think the anger comes from the dependence.
i would just leave and never come back without any guilt put boundaries i think.

i saw that death frees me from my dependence. not from guilt.money is the biggest problem lol
because money give you safety

-- Sun May 06, 2018 8:31 pm --

but is true.i have seen kids that had way worse time than me objectively were more abused and love their parents more.
even in this forum i read stories.they want to search for them and i don't get why at all

-- Sun May 06, 2018 8:33 pm --

makes me think maybe it was true when they said to me that the more you abuse someone the more he loves you

sorry if this a little irrelevant. but i don't understand that guilt. i think if someone that i really didn't want said " i would die if you leave me" ,i wouldn't give a ###$ i would leave him.
i only like to hear that if it is a test to see if he cares about me while still wanting him.theoretically.if i really do not want him,it doesn't matter if he says it ,i would still leave without caring much.
also when i say i know the feeling "i can't live with you nor without you" i do not mean it for guilt.there is no guilt invoved in this feeling

jaus tail wrote:People don't change easily. Not sure the parents will.
Your dad sounds toxic. Sorry you had to go through it.
my caretaker would shout at Us if we used the toilet twice in a day.

I would sneak into kitchen n pee in a glass n hope she never found out.
If we coughed she would shout at us that we disturbed her sleep. I would choke my neck with my hands to stop coughing.
Yeah she was terrible.
I was a beggar of validation. Still am. Was full of guilt. Yeah she has ruined my mind.
I'm still attached to her n often feel guilty toward her. At times I want her to die so I can live freely with no guilt n I can blame God for Killing her.

Oh my.. your caretaker is inhumane! how can she shout at kids when they need to use the toliet more than once in a day?! she was absolutely terrible!!!! :-<

she wasnt all bad. she would give us medicines n give us good food. but yeah i wouldnt want my kids to have someone like her around them.
i remember once she passed a very bad taunt on my father's poverty. that was very rude of her. she still has no remorse. there was a time when i was becoming like her. it sort of feeds on you.
i remember once she beat up my brother 100 slaps just cause he wrote a wrong answer in an exam.
the caretaker was very very proud of her rage.

the toilet thing was horrible. if we used toilet she'd pass taunts. once she taunted my brother for eating junk food n going to toilet.

the caretaker wanted to be perfect. like some king or queen royalty.

jaus tail wrote:she wasnt all bad. she would give us medicines n give us good food. but yeah i wouldnt want my kids to have someone like her around them.
i remember once she passed a very bad taunt on my father's poverty. that was very rude of her. she still has no remorse. there was a time when i was becoming like her. it sort of feeds on you.
i remember once she beat up my brother 100 slaps just cause he wrote a wrong answer in an exam.
the caretaker was very very proud of her rage.

the toilet thing was horrible. if we used toilet she'd pass taunts. once she taunted my brother for eating junk food n going to toilet.

the caretaker wanted to be perfect. like some king or queen royalty.

sounds like a very cruel person with a stone heart and not have any empathy for people.. it's her job to give you food and give you the meds, it's her JOB DUTY to take care of the kids..and she is PAID for it so there is nothing good about that!!! She is merely doing her JOB!!! and she was terrible as a person....

it's ironic when we become like the person that we hate.. I was very much like my dad than my mum.. I had anger issues before too.. but I am not like him anymore.. still resemble of him in some ways and I am learning to catch myself out!!!

I am glad that your childhood trauma is totally over now.. and I am glad that you are no longer like her!

she was and is a horrible woman. it is only when i went out in real world n met with other people did i realize how beautiful some people are. she would talk of us kids to her friends to appear like she is some angel doing social work with us kids.

i remember once i was sneezing with cold n freezing n trying to sleep n she made me wake up n get her clothes from the laundry. i went in rage.

she made us very subservient n filled us with immense guilt.