Marriage problems

I’m really not sure that my wife and I should be together anymore. Her priority isn’t me it’s a dog. She’s obsessed with dogs the way some people are with children. It’s my birthday today and we had a massive argument this morning as she says we need to move house so we can get a dog. She has literally no savings so it would have to be me paying to move house and I need the money for therapy. I might be having DBT soon and might have to go part time at work which means I won’t have much money. But she refuses to wait until I’ve finished that, she said she’s ‘put up’ with me being ill long enough and she needs a dog now.

I’m terrified of being alone and the thought makes me want to kill myself. But I don’t see how it can work. I need to look after my health and I can’t afford to move house or get a dog right now, but we have continual arguments about it.

At times she can be great but at others she’s so unsupportive. She says that suicide is selfish and if I ever tried it she’d never forgive me. If I hurt myself she gets angry and says I ought to know right from wrong. She invalidates my feelings all the time.

kah80 wrote:I’m really not sure that my wife and I should be together anymore. Her priority isn’t me it’s a dog. She’s obsessed with dogs the way some people are with children. It’s my birthday today and we had a massive argument this morning as she says we need to move house so we can get a dog. She has literally no savings so it would have to be me paying to move house and I need the money for therapy. I might be having DBT soon and might have to go part time at work which means I won’t have much money. But she refuses to wait until I’ve finished that, she said she’s ‘put up’ with me being ill long enough and she needs a dog now.

I’m terrified of being alone and the thought makes me want to kill myself. But I don’t see how it can work. I need to look after my health and I can’t afford to move house or get a dog right now, but we have continual arguments about it.

At times she can be great but at others she’s so unsupportive. She says that suicide is selfish and if I ever tried it she’d never forgive me. If I hurt myself she gets angry and says I ought to know right from wrong. She invalidates my feelings all the time.

Man, you seem to have really bad luck with some of the people in your life.

Your wife sounds like a @@@@@@@. I think you're concerns are justified.

Good luck, please don't hurt yourself, and sorry things are going so badly right now. It all seems to be hitting you at once, and that truly sucks.

Take care.

Thank you, I appreciate your support.

Things are better now and she did apologise, but this kind of thing happens more often than it should. I don’t know what to do about this whole dog thing. I know she really wants one but it’s not practical right now really.

First things first, suicide. Don't think of it. There is always a way out. And my therapist says that it would be an act of betrayal towards him and he would leave me if I ever tried - if I get suicidal I always call him.

So yes, she may be right as far as suicide concerns. But you seem to be very unhappy in this marriage. Our partner should care for us and never invalidate our feelings. They should be there for us. So, if you feel that your wife is not the one who cares in this relationship, end it and find another wife, with whom you can be happy No point in staying in a marriage which is self abusing.

Love always,
X.

A propos, a solution would be a puddle which weighs 6 lb if she really reeeeeally wants a dog. A dog has many responsibilities especially if you have to move around. I have a golden retriever which I love more than anything but it ended up with my mom cause I had to move around a lot.

Thanks. She wants a big dog. We’ve just had a massive argument because I said I don’t want to move house this year. The idea of it just stresses me out. I’m not well enough and we don’t have the money. She threw it back in my face again about how she’s had to put up with me being ill for years and that I’m being selfish. She thinks it’s no big deal and that having come up with the idea a couple of weeks ago we can suddenly move house in a few months with no money. Because I said I needed some time to think about it all she’s gone to sleep in the spare room.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I took some pills and I’m crying my eyes out. Not many, don’t worry. I just want to hurt myself.

Doesn't it seem a little extreme to go through moving house just because you want a dog? Does she want it to have it's own bedroom or something? I think she may need to take a little visit to the psychologists herself...As long as the dog gets a couple of decent walks a day the size of the house shouldn't really matter. It'll be sleeping most of the time.

And what pills have you taken?

Any chance that she could volunteer with a rescue to get her dog-fix, without the additional expense of a dog?

You have to take care of yourself, first and foremost. If just thinking about moving is stressing you out this much then actually doing it may send you 'round the bend. She may be tired of you being ill, people do get that way with us and rightfully so, sometimes. But if she is going to stick around and be your wife, she needs to find a way to deal with it. I understand her wanting a dog. Does she complain about not getting enough affection from you, or something? An animal can be of great comfort and the people who are close to us definitely need comfort, at times. Living and dealing with a BPD is no picnic and our loved ones may need to do certain things for their own mental well-being. Maybe that's what a dog is, for her. It's better than her leaving you, yeah? Maybe try to talk about it more, with her. R'ships are all about compromise and sometimes those compromises are very difficult. I know this post is all over the place, but I guess what I'm saying is that if you love her and she needs this for her own mental health, then maybe you should consider it?

The problem is the money, she has no savings so I’d have to pay the moving house fees, and I need the money for therapy. When I get onto my DBT program I’ll have to go part time at work and I might need my savings then.

She says we can’t get a dog without moving house as it means we’ll be near her work so she can pop home and look after it at lunch. Otherwise we have to pay £400 a month for someone to do that for us.

-- Thu Feb 01, 2018 10:03 am --

P.s. we already have a cat.