Having thoughts of cheating but not actually wanting to?

I honestly feel so guilty typing this right now, but I am currently in a relationship with this really sweet and genuine guy who treats me really good. However, i’ve been having thoughts about other guys and it makes me feel like such a bad person because I know I don’t want to be a cheater but for some reason I keep idealizing these other guys. I don’t understand it, there is this guy at my work who is really good looking and all I can think about is wanting to pounce, but I have a boyfriend. Is this maybe because I always want what I cannot have? I always tend to chase after guys who don’t want me, but once they actually do start liking me I lose interest and I want to chase someone else. It’s so dysfunctional, and I know that I will be much happier if I just learn to stay in a committed relationship. I’ve never cheated on a significant other before and I really hope I don’t ever in the future.

What I've learnt from my therapist, is that there is no morality in such issues: If you wanna cheat just go for it. However, you have to face the consequences afterwards. Is it worth the pain and the guilt? Is it worth all that given that your bf is treating you so nice? Talk about it with your therapist. If I were you, I wouldn't cheat let alone on a nice person. We have to learn to control our impulsivity and idealization issues

Love always,
X.

sickofbeinginvalid wrote:Is this maybe because I always want what I cannot have?

I do the same thing, In my case it's sort of a safety thing- pining after people I can't have allows me to avoid the vulnerability/risk of having someone real that I might then lose. Also, in a fantasy relationship you get to remain your perfect, ideal self with no mistakes, and they remain perfect too. It's prettier that way.

I always tend to chase after guys who don’t want me, but once they actually do start liking me I lose interest and I want to chase someone else. It’s so dysfunctional, and I know that I will be much happier if I just learn to stay in a committed relationship. I’ve never cheated on a significant other before and I really hope I don’t ever in the future.

Sorry to state the obvious, but it might be a father thing.

-- Fri Jan 19, 2018 11:40 pm --

patientxgreece wrote:What I've learnt from my therapist, is that there is no morality in such issues: If you wanna cheat just go for it.

Your therapist said what???

He says that there is no morality in that. If you wanna do that, do it, just face the music afterwards. If I agree or not is not the point. I don't like cheating and if I found out that they cheated on me I would break up

i think i do this too. or similar. i seem to "fall in love" with guys that i can't have.it sounds so bad when i say it so straightforward and realize it,in action it seems so coincidental.
for years i thought it was coincidence but when i read about bpd i started to think that is not coincidence. this is a major self sabotazing behavior and torture because you basically can never be happy romantically. you can not fall in love unless there is a problem or an obstacle. i wish i knew how to not have it.
but i swear it seems so coincidental,the thought that is the problematic attachement is scary depressive & hopeless because how do you cure that .

I can very much relate to this, I've always thought the same kind of thing, but that's probably why I always feel SO jealous and insecure of partners because I feel that they're probably thinking about cheating too.

I never have and I wouldn't intend to cheat, but the thoughts so drive you mad, 9/10 I lose interest once the chase is over, or just once I know I've got them my brain just goes nope, nope, nope. So I usually break it off then

I understand the idealization thing, though I don't really think about cheating. It's more like I wonder if idealization is going to make me want to cheat. If that makes sense? I know it doesn't, but it still sucks.

Anyway, to help you out, I think that if your overall borderline issues improved (especially self-esteem and how you think about/treat others), that would help this problem. That's just what I assume based on my own experience. Getting grounded in terms of reality and emotions will help, but that's easier said than done with BPD, right?

Also, that line about your therapist saying to just cheat--what? I can see how you can say like, "hey, you have the power to cheat, sure, but that determines who you are as a person, AND you'll have consequences to deal with," but it sounds like they were enabling impulsive, selfish actions That's just me, though.

perejil wrote:

sickofbeinginvalid wrote:I always tend to chase after guys who don’t want me, but once they actually do start liking me I lose interest and I want to chase someone else. It’s so dysfunctional, and I know that I will be much happier if I just learn to stay in a committed relationship. I’ve never cheated on a significant other before and I really hope I don’t ever in the future.
Sorry to state the obvious, but it might be a father thing.

LMFAO YEP. My dad was completely absent from my life until I was 9 and then I was taken away from my mother by social services and placed to live with him. Our relationship now is odd and he is pretty emotionally unavailable.

-- Fri Jan 26, 2018 6:02 pm --

ctdev3 wrote:I understand the idealization thing, though I don't really think about cheating. It's more like I wonder if idealization is going to make me want to cheat. If that makes sense? I know it doesn't, but it still sucks.

In essence, I think this is really what I meant to say. I don’t have the thought in my mind to go out and cheat, but I always idealize my ex partners and other guys and have some dirty thoughts about getting it on with them if you know what I mean.