*TW* Why do I want this label so badly?

Hello,

I feel so empty right now, in fact I don't really know what I'm feeling. I'm frustrated also. I feel a bit like an alert zombie.
I have wanted to be diagnosed with BPD for so long. I think the main reason is to FINALLY feel validated and understood because I feel the criteria and everything I have read/watched just seems to fit me so well. However, I've also hidden it. My entire life. And this hiding it had really messed me up I think. I think I'm more of a quiet borderline however I'm not because I can act out too.
Something is terribly wrong with me. And nobody is listening to me and it's making me feel so many complex emotions that I don't even know whether my emotions are real anymore. I'm so, so empty.
Maybe I'm actually dead. Maybe my life really is a simulation and all the other people are an illusion. Like a real life matrix.
I feel like the entire world is out to get me.
And I feel all the mental health staff I've seen are just laughing at me like I'm some stupid girl. They don't understand one bit. Or maybe they do really and are reluctant to help me cause they just don't like me.
Right now I don't want to move from my bed. Cause I don't see the point. I'm just sat here.
I'm EXTREMELY affected by other people. I need other people to latch onto. So I have a personality, and I'm kind of ashamed of that. But it's true. Without other people around me I feel I have no personality. Just an empty shell. And it's so annoying because I become different people depending on my environment. So who the hell actually am I?!
Have I just over analysed myself to death? But if so, the reason is because I'm trying to validate myself because no one else does.
I don't really want to go into my history etc because I'll be here until next year.
To try and put it as simply as possible. My mood swings are extreme. They don't last more than a few days. I can be happy and elated and full of energy, then I can be sad, empty, dead. Then I can be crying my eyes out for hours. Then RAGE. I can release my rage in very outward ways or just keep it in and it manifests as me walking around looking like if you look at me in the wrong way I'll punch you in the face. Which isn't true, it's just cause I'm containing the sheer anger and frustration inside.
I've always felt like a chameleon taking on different forms, and this is EXTREME.
My self image is literally dependant on other people.
But whenever I talk to mental health staff (I'm talking about very low end mental health staff, I've never seen a psychiatrist) they just seem to treat me as if I'm some silly young girl who is perfectly mentally well... and that makes me feel absolutely horrendous because the very reason I've been reluctant to talk about these things until the last few years is because I am afraid of exactly that. I'm so afraid of being invalidated or rejected or misunderstood that I don't want to tell people anything. But now whenever I do try to tell anyone that's exactly what it's met with. I feel like they're laughing at me. Thinking I'm stupid or just a bad person. I HATE THEM. I have so much anger towards them, I want to go and set all their buildings on fire. I won't. But that's how I feel. RAGE. I hope someone makes them feel how they made me feel. I hope someone hurts them the way they've hurt me, I really do. I wish it upon them.
I've just come out of a very violent, mentally, physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I couldn't leave him even though I hated him. I was terrified of leaving him. Terrified. Cause I loved him. I didn't ever want to be without him. I wanted to be with him forever whilst also wanting to get out asap. But I've also known the end was coming since the beginning so I deliberately tried to stay emotionally distant the whole way through. I don't really self harm. I have sometimes. But I hate it, so try not to. Sex is a big one for me, I've slept with over 100 people. I am very compulsively promiscuous. I'm also a substance abuser, I was alcohol dependant at one point, now I'm just a compulsive binger again. Other drugs too.
Why won't they listen? I've never been seen long enough by someone or had a proper assessment. I can come across very sound of mind.
I want a diagnosis, I want all the pain validated. I want the label cause it'll make me feel understood for the first time in my entire life. Without it I feel like everyone thinks I'm just a twat. Every part of myself is invalidated. And the damage it is doing to me is killing me inside. I've also had an extremely invalidating childhood. But won't go into that.
I've tried to get help for the issues from this abusive relationship but nope. No one cares that I've almost been killed multiple times, that I've been controlled with fear. That I've been beaten black and blue more times than I can count. That I've been locked in a flat for 2 years. Apparently that doesn't matter. That's just 'so what'. So what you've been mentally and physically abused, so what you almost died. So what.
What do these people want from me? I'm beginning to get very paranoid too.
Don't even know why I'm posting this anymore really, now I'm afraid you're all going to reject me too. Please don't. I can't take anymore. I'm more suicidal than I've ever been in my life. I'll probably just get no replies cause this is so long.
Jvhfhfsnvhskfhskfhskchshfkshkhzdvkvhhzkdvhkzdhvkzdnvizdvnizd I give up.

Hi stardust,

I'm sorry, I won't write a long reply because english isn't my first langage and it can be quite difficult for me to write here since I fear doing a lot of mistakes.

Just wanted to say to you that I really understand you, I've read some points on which we are different , but the core of your message really spoke to me and was quite triggering to be honest (but it's okay, you are in the right place to speak about your pain).

The end of your message made me smile a little bit, I mean, I know it wasn't funny, it's just that I perfectly know the state of mind that leads to write such things * smile*

I would like to advise you to take an appointment with a real psychiatrist, preferably a psychiatrist who knows about BPD. Tell her/him what you wrote here, if you can...Only then you'll have a diagnosis, since the mental staff you see is not able to do a diagnosis I think.

Take care

blackandwhiterainbow wrote:Hi stardust,

I'm sorry, I won't write a long reply because english isn't my first langage and it can be quite difficult for me to write here since I fear doing a lot of mistakes.

Just wanted to say to you that I really understand you, I've read some points on which we are different , but the core of your message really spoke to me and was quite triggering to be honest (but it's okay, you are in the right place to speak about your pain).

The end of your message made me smile a little bit, I mean, I know it wasn't funny, it's just that I perfectly know the state of mind that leads to write such things * smile*

I would like to advise you to take an appointment with a real psychiatrist, preferably a psychiatrist who knows about BPD. Tell her/him what you wrote here, if you can...Only then you'll have a diagnosis, since the mental staff you see is not able to do a diagnosis I think.

Take care

*tw
Thank you Blackandwhiterainbow,

I am just at the end of my tether. Sorry about triggering you I didn't think to put a trigger warning. Haven't been in these forums for a while. And yes I often mash the keyboard when I'm feeling frustrated lol thanks it's nice that you understand. You're definitely right about seeing a psychiatrist. It's just INCREDIBLY difficult to see one in my part of the country. I live in the uk. And a private one is just not something I can afford right now, sigh.
I feel so misunderstood and any time anyone gives me the slightest hint of not understanding or invalidating me it feels like they've pulled out a knife and stabbed me multiple times then twisted it, all whilst looking at me going.... 'You're ok' ... Whilst the blood pours out of me all over the floor...

It's really really REAAAAAAAAALLY sick.
Thanks for your advice, I don't know how I can do it but i appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I’ll try and reply more later when I have more time, but for now I just wanted to say I felt exactly the same about getting a diagnosis. For various reasons. It made me feel validated- ‘ha, look. Something is wrong with me after all!’ I wanted the attention, I thought it would make people care about me more. And I wanted to have an explanation for the things I do and as to why life hurts so much and I feel I’m different from other people.

kah80 wrote:I wanted the attention, I thought it would make people care about me more. And I wanted to have an explanation for the things I do and as to why life hurts so much and I feel I’m different from other people.

I wouldn't necessarily say I want attention for it, just the acknowledgement. Just to feel validated.
And to get the correct help for what I experience. I do like attention, lots. But I don't really want attention for 'being BPD' just the acknowledgement that, OK she doesn't mean to behave this way she can't help it. She's not just an attention seeking asshole.
She's in PAIN. As I said before, it feels like I'm silently bleeding to death, a pool of blood is pouring out of me and people don't even look, they just carefully step over me without even looking so as not to get blood on their shoes.

'I wanted to have an explanation for the things I do and as to why life hurts so much and I feel I'm different from other people.'

Exactly. i feel like I'm making it all up. But I'm not, anyone who has felt the amount of pain that I have every day of my life , there is something not right about that person. It's more than just mild depression or dissatisfaction with life. It's AGONY. And because of how my mood swings and my thoughts and ideas change and behaviour changes so drastically and rapidly and my self image, it's also incredibly confusing!

-- Thu Jan 11, 2018 2:43 pm --

Kah80, I didn't mean you're an attention seeking asshole by the way, I know exactly what you meant and how you meant it and understand completely. I just meant that's how people make me feel. And I don't even know if I'd tell many people. I've been scared a lot in the past as I didn't really know if I wanted a mental illness label smacked on me. I have seen the stigma it can create. But I want it now, enough's enough.

Could be you are a narcissist and just want attention, or feel some kind of guilt or want an excuse for whatever wrong you have done.

Anyway - dont ever tell people your diagnosis. It wont help you in life.

It is very possible that you are searching for your identity, because you are self aware. Yes, it is always better to be diagnosed because a lot of pd's overlap. However, I don't see a problem in connecting with people and wanting that validation that comes with a diagnosis. Your desire for a diagnosis does not cancel out the experiences and struggles you have.

I first heard about BPD from a personality disorder quiz that a friend sent me. I didn't take it seriously, but it showed that I had many traits. I looked up the disorder, and my first instinct was to reject it. I read personal accounts from people on message boards like this one and thought it was only a diagnosis for crazy people. Imagine my surprise when my psychologist told me we would start DBT. My point is that everyone has a different reaction and attachment to their disorder, and there isn't anything wrong with it. Getting validation is the first step towards recovery.

Okay, you're so totally, totally borderline. I can relate to everything you said. Does that help?

I wanted the label too. Except at first I rejected the "borderline" label because I thought my shrink was stupid and wasn't listening to me, and it couldn't be BPD. But I wanted a label. I wanted to be able to say what was wrong, to be able to call it something. To know that it was something, that I wasn't just imagining stuff.

So of course you want the label. You already know what's wrong, you just want everyone else to know it too. That's totally normal.

Good luck, and I hope you get your label soon. Then we can all say, congratulations, you're borderline!

TameQueen wrote:I don't see a problem in connecting with people and wanting that validation that comes with a diagnosis. Your desire for a diagnosis does not cancel out the experiences and struggles you have.

Exactly TameQueen!!! Yes!! Thank you! Aaaah.

Funnily enough, I did one of those tests a few years ago in my early 20's which is how I found out about borderline. It was one of those tests showing which mental disorder you're most likely to have as at the time I was suspecting bipolar or something bipolar related and had very little knowledge of mental disorders. Had never even heard of the term 'personality disorder'. It was like a bar chart, borderline came out top. And the bar was almost 100% full. (Maybe someone knows the test I'm referring to?)
My first thoughts were 'borderline personality disorder? Yeah I haven't got that.' I thought that the term meant bordering on having a disordered personality. I didn't even bother to find out what it meant. Thought it sounded awful. Then a couple of years later I did another one similar and borderline came up again. And I remembered the earlier test. So I googled it and did a bit of research about it properly and was like woaaaah! Ok. So this seems to be a pretty perfect description of me! The more I read the more I couldn't believe how much it seemed to fit. It was like a lightbulb went off.
I hated it at first though. I was sure deep down that I probably had it but thought it meant I was a freak and didn't want to get a diagnosis as I didn't want anyone to know I was a freak or be labelled as one. Sorry if that offends anyone. I don't think that anymore.

Thank you and I hope you have a wonderful day!

-- Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:05 pm --

perejil wrote:Okay, you're so totally, totally borderline. I can relate to everything you said. Does that help?

I wanted the label too. Except at first I rejected the "borderline" label because I thought my shrink was stupid and wasn't listening to me, and it couldn't be BPD. But I wanted a label. I wanted to be able to say what was wrong, to be able to call it something. To know that it was something, that I wasn't just imagining stuff.

So of course you want the label. You already know what's wrong, you just want everyone else to know it too. That's totally normal.

Good luck, and I hope you get your label soon. Then we can all say, congratulations, you're borderline!

Thank you!! It does.
(I obviously understand that I can not take that as a diagnosis lol but I appreciate you validating how I feel ) I relate COMPLETELY to everything you said. You can't imagine how comforting it is to know that you understand how I feel.
And as I just said to TameQueen, when I first found out about the term BPD I rejected it too. Thought that it wasn't even a real illness and that basically I was just a freak.
I'm not 100% sure I am borderline and never will be unless I actually receive a diagnosis. I feel like I'm just a freak because I feel like that's what everyone else thinks.
Thank you. I really appreciate what you said. Have a great day!
It's so nice to know some people understand.

YourBestFriend wrote:Could be you are a narcissist and just want attention, or feel some kind of guilt or want an excuse for whatever wrong you have done.

Anyway - dont ever tell people your diagnosis. It wont help you in life.

I typed this response to you last night when I got in. I didn't drink last night as I said I was going to in the other thread. After reading it I took a few painkillers, typed this, then fell asleep. (I always type responses in my notes first in case I get logged out which is why it's still here.)
Your comment hurt me very much, and after reading the others' comments today I feel much better. And maybe I overreacted slightly. However, I would like you to see what your response did to me:

'Oh that's beautiful. Thanks for that.

Are you one is that why you're picking on me cause you know that your response is gunna hurt me? Assuming you've read everything I've written then you know saying 'could be you just want attention or an excuse for things you've done wrong' is going to hurt me and make me feel worse. The whole blood pouring out all over the floor thing. I'm bleeding. I've said that any slightest hint of invalidation feels like a stab wound. So you've come in with your knife and took a stab to see what happens.
A little sadistic don't you think? Do you enjoy the fact you can inflict pain upon me?

Would anyone else like a go? Come on, here I am, why not kick me while I'm down. You should all join in. Take a stab at me. Hurt me. Everyone else does!!!
Or just ignore me, cause all I really want is attention. So that will surely hurt me more.
'Attention' is defined as the act of taking notice of someone or something. So yes. I do want attention. I want people to take notice of the fact I'm greatly SUFFERING. If I had those physical stab wounds that I keep talking about people would rush over (or at least I'd hope so!) Someone would call an ambulance. They would rush me to hospital and give me the correct treatment. Because if they didn't I would die. The human instinct would kick in because the physical wounds alert you to the fact that this human being no matter who she is, is in need of urgent help.
But because my wounds are invisible no one does. Doesn't mean they aren't hurting me as much. Doesn't mean they're not as dangerous.
Doesn't mean that I'm posting here because I'm just a narcissist looking for attention. Yeah I have feelings of guilt and shame. I've done terrible things. I do terrible things. To myself and others. But I don't want a borderline label to excuse those things, why should it excuse them anyway? I want UNDERSTANDING and VALIDATION.
Just cause I don't lack perspective and awareness it doesn't mean to say I am any more in control of this continuos hell I experience.
I'm not looking for a diagnosis from anyone here, I just posted.
Cause I feel desperate. I want to speak to people who UNDERSTAND. Some one who might be able to help me understand what the hell is going on. People who know what this $#%^ feels like. Thanks maybe I am just a freak.
I am so hurt and sad now I just want to take some painkillers and die because no one cares or understands and all this hurts so much.
Am I really that horrible?!?! Really?! What did I do to you?! Did you get what you wanted?! Good for you. Are you just trying to push me over the edge? Is that what everyone is trying to do! Maybe I really am nothing more than just a horrible, bad person.
Is this just God telling me to do it.
I'm dead inside. I'm nothing.
I have never openly spoken about any of this properly for fear of being rejected and misunderstood. As those things hurt me more than anything.
What kind of ###$ up life is this where a person can experience abuse in childhood, adolescence and adulthood and everyone judge her for her behaviour and say she's attention seeking when the reason she's never told anyone or even written it down is because she's lied to herself as if these things didn't happen. Cause no one else acknowledged them. So she pretended it didn't happen too. No one else cared so it was ok. But I walk around with these invisible scars that KILL ME daily.
I think I just better stay away from everyone. Everywhere. I think I died many years ago. When I was a very young kid. This is just the shell that is left that this brain and heart inside are still operating in. But the soul is gone. Turned black. By EVIL people! And severe invalidation which made me feel like the things that happened to me didn't even really happen! And that I just deserved them.
Which made me feel like my emotions aren't even real. I don't even trust my own emotions.'

That's what people misunderstanding me feels like. However, maybe I am a narcissist. I agree I have unhealthy levels of narcissism, it's not something I'm particularly proud of. But I have too much empathy. And I do not take pleasure in hurting others.