*TW* Why do I want this label so badly?

Echinacea wrote:@star dust
I am really sorry that you were triggered


Mod Message
Any member/visitor that comes to this forum MUST have respect for the BPD members that are struggling or in crisis.

This is not a playground for the ASPD members when they are bored.

Thank you

Again im sorry that you had to deal with that star dust

star dust wrote:
Hey Echinacea,

Thank you I really appreciate that. I had a quick glance at that particular members other posts after posting my response to him the next morning and quickly realised what was going on...
Saw another comment he had left for someone else which made me ANGRY. I almost replied but did not for fear of getting in trouble myself i knew that once you'd seen it you'd take care of him.
Obviously just wonders into the borderline forum to trigger us when he's got nothing better to do.
Now that I know that it was purposeful just to get a reaction or to try to make me harm myself I'm not so bothered about it.
Although I was at the time when I read it, and took extra painkillers that night because of his comments so I'm grateful that you mods are here to take care of such situations as sadly a person like that does have the power to affect me.
Thank you x

Now that I know that it was purposeful just to get a reaction or to try to make me harm myself I'm not so bothered about it.

star dust wrote:Hello,

I feel so empty right now, in fact I don't really know what I'm feeling. I'm frustrated also. I feel a bit like an alert zombie.
I have wanted to be diagnosed with BPD for so long. I think the main reason is to FINALLY feel validated and understood because I feel the criteria and everything I have read/watched just seems to fit me so well. However, I've also hidden it. My entire life. And this hiding it had really messed me up I think. I think I'm more of a quiet borderline however I'm not because I can act out too.
Something is terribly wrong with me. And nobody is listening to me and it's making me feel so many complex emotions that I don't even know whether my emotions are real anymore. I'm so, so empty.
Maybe I'm actually dead. Maybe my life really is a simulation and all the other people are an illusion. Like a real life matrix.
I feel like the entire world is out to get me.
And I feel all the mental health staff I've seen are just laughing at me like I'm some stupid girl. They don't understand one bit. Or maybe they do really and are reluctant to help me cause they just don't like me.
Right now I don't want to move from my bed. Cause I don't see the point. I'm just sat here.
I'm EXTREMELY affected by other people. I need other people to latch onto. So I have a personality, and I'm kind of ashamed of that. But it's true. Without other people around me I feel I have no personality. Just an empty shell. And it's so annoying because I become different people depending on my environment. So who the hell actually am I?!
Have I just over analysed myself to death? But if so, the reason is because I'm trying to validate myself because no one else does.
I don't really want to go into my history etc because I'll be here until next year.
To try and put it as simply as possible. My mood swings are extreme. They don't last more than a few days. I can be happy and elated and full of energy, then I can be sad, empty, dead. Then I can be crying my eyes out for hours. Then RAGE. I can release my rage in very outward ways or just keep it in and it manifests as me walking around looking like if you look at me in the wrong way I'll punch you in the face. Which isn't true, it's just cause I'm containing the sheer anger and frustration inside.
I've always felt like a chameleon taking on different forms, and this is EXTREME.
My self image is literally dependant on other people.
But whenever I talk to mental health staff (I'm talking about very low end mental health staff, I've never seen a psychiatrist) they just seem to treat me as if I'm some silly young girl who is perfectly mentally well... and that makes me feel absolutely horrendous because the very reason I've been reluctant to talk about these things until the last few years is because I am afraid of exactly that. I'm so afraid of being invalidated or rejected or misunderstood that I don't want to tell people anything. But now whenever I do try to tell anyone that's exactly what it's met with. I feel like they're laughing at me. Thinking I'm stupid or just a bad person. I HATE THEM. I have so much anger towards them, I want to go and set all their buildings on fire. I won't. But that's how I feel. RAGE. I hope someone makes them feel how they made me feel. I hope someone hurts them the way they've hurt me, I really do. I wish it upon them.
I've just come out of a very violent, mentally, physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I couldn't leave him even though I hated him. I was terrified of leaving him. Terrified. Cause I loved him. I didn't ever want to be without him. I wanted to be with him forever whilst also wanting to get out asap. But I've also known the end was coming since the beginning so I deliberately tried to stay emotionally distant the whole way through. I don't really self harm. I have sometimes. But I hate it, so try not to. Sex is a big one for me, I've slept with over 100 people. I am very compulsively promiscuous. I'm also a substance abuser, I was alcohol dependant at one point, now I'm just a compulsive binger again. Other drugs too.
Why won't they listen? I've never been seen long enough by someone or had a proper assessment. I can come across very sound of mind.
I want a diagnosis, I want all the pain validated. I want the label cause it'll make me feel understood for the first time in my entire life. Without it I feel like everyone thinks I'm just a twat. Every part of myself is invalidated. And the damage it is doing to me is killing me inside. I've also had an extremely invalidating childhood. But won't go into that.
I've tried to get help for the issues from this abusive relationship but nope. No one cares that I've almost been killed multiple times, that I've been controlled with fear. That I've been beaten black and blue more times than I can count. That I've been locked in a flat for 2 years. Apparently that doesn't matter. That's just 'so what'. So what you've been mentally and physically abused, so what you almost died. So what.
What do these people want from me? I'm beginning to get very paranoid too.
Don't even know why I'm posting this anymore really, now I'm afraid you're all going to reject me too. Please don't. I can't take anymore. I'm more suicidal than I've ever been in my life. I'll probably just get no replies cause this is so long.
Jvhfhfsnvhskfhskfhskchshfkshkhzdvkvhhzkdvhkzdhvkzdnvizdvnizd I give up.