#IngridGoesWest & being BPD

Just finished watching #IngridGoesWest on itunes and loved it. Finally a representation of a BPD woman that doesn't have her boiling bunnies or falling off cliffs. ( And if you get those two movie references you are seriously ancient like me....) Hollywood with it's need to mispresent for box office appeal has sold an image of the woman with Borderline Personality Disorder as more sociopath than empath, and in the process has painted an image that is utterly false and damaging.

I have yet to boil a bunny and although some of my crimes of passion have been shocking, they have mostly been about revealing truth and removing facades from individuals who greatly deserved everything they got. My BPD means that I don't give a f$%# about political correctness, or polite convention or maintaining a facade of "dignity" .... I am rather shameless that way. My emotions are huge, real and I feel and express them regardless of who might find them uncomfortable.

But what some of the movies do well in representing BPD, is the vulnerability, the open heart, the willingness and impulsive sexuality, the loneliness and the fear of abandonment that often triggers the sadness or rage that leads to the dramatic conclusion. Ingrid is a walking open wound of desperation, and does her best to fit in and create friends, and for the most part is successful. But like most of us with BPD, we are vulnerable targets for the callous and unscrupulous, who can smell us coming a mile away, and we become easy targets for abuse and manipulation. And so Ingrid's fragile success is brought down by a cruel abuser. I have had my fair share of individuals who have taken advantage of my empathy and neediness. But like the movies also show, is what can happen when we get pushed too far although mostly that rage and anger and grief gets focused inwards and leads to feelings of low self-worth, or thoughts and actions of self-harm. For myself, in my teens and twenties that manifested in Bulimia, cutting and suicide attempts... in my thirties and forties it sequed to addictions for shopping, alcohol and sex. Well to be honest the cutting and suicidal ideation continued if things would devolve into an extreme crisis, but fortunately those episodes are fewer and farther between as my life has becomes more settled and stable, and my resources and resilience has improved with age and therapy.

Borderline Personality Disorder is found in both genders but predominantly represented in women. Likewise Narcissitic Personality Disorder is predominantly male. And curiously enough, these two personality disorders have an incredible magnetic attraction for each other such that the NPD and BPD couple is a classic combination that is seen in couples therapy. They seem to be drawn to each other, and in some strange way made for each other. The vast majority of my boyfriends were NPD or with a high degree of traits. I seem to find them just more attractive than "normal" men. Certainly the sex is off the charts and the relationship incredibly addictive in a way that is not experienced with "normal" males. And so you see that also represented in film, such that Alex's BPD and Dan's NPD in Fatal Attraction is the catalyst that makes their attraction an uncontrollable connection they can't resist. Apparently the original ending of Fatal Attraction was more in keeping with the reality of BPD, having Alex turn her pain inward and commit suicide and Dan gets suspected of foul play. But that just wasn't sensational enough and so like most mistresses who ultimately pay the price for a husbands transgressive infidelity, they turned her into a sociopath who assaults and gets killed. Glenn Close was not happy with that change, but starting out in her acting career had no power or voice then and in the end money talks for producers. But she is quite open now about her many regrets for the misrepresentation that turned a movie with the potentional for compassionate understanding of mental illness to a false archetype and a joke.

The ending of #IngridGoesWest is a quirky twist far more in keeping with the reality of most women with BPD and she is not stripped of her humanity nor an object of pity but a wounded and raw authentic human being unafraid to stand naked in her flaws for everyone to see. And that for me is what being BPD is all about; the courage to be vulnerable and open and authentic about who you are and how you feel in a world that expects and sells consumerism, addiction and a collective delusional facade as the goals of a successful life. Personally, I would rather be the honest crazy hot mess I am than the shallow Kardashian personas that social media would have us emulate. I may be deeply wounded and raw, but it comes with deep empathy, depth and substance which is more than can be said for most people.