Ignorance is Bliss, Self-awareness is suicide....

I am so sick and tired of the self satisfied assholes who tout their "recovery from BPD" certificate about like they are teenagers after a born-again Christian summer camp. They have seen the light, and if we embrace the true path of DBT righteousness than we can too. If only it were that f$#%ing easy.

I am almost 50 years of age and have been in therapy since the age of 13, the first time I tried to kill myself. I have been diagnosed, depressed, suicidal, bulimic, hypo-manic, anxious, alcoholic, obese and finally Borderline Personality Disorder a year ago which is what should have been diagnosed in the first place. Finally it all makes sense. But at almost 50 years of ago, the likelyhood of significant changes being wrought in my personality is not something I am holding my breath on.... 50 years of being is a long time and I am highly skeptical that the Gods of DBT will have much success with me.

Don't get me wrong, I am in therapy, involved in CBT and have purchased books and tools and gained a vast degree of self-awareness, and have an understanding of the core of the issues in a way I never have before. The dilemma I find myself in is making the connection from knowing to acting, or in many cases not acting. There has been some change, and in small ways the blind reaction of the past is now a conscious recognition and an exercise in tolerance or emotional wave surfing as I have come to view it. But this is not recovery, this is not a cure..... you can't cure a personality, it's my f%$#ing personality.

And there in is where the anger resides and the desire to punch the yoga promoting zen assholes who would have me believe that I too can gain the enlightenment and free myself from my self-imposed hell. Well I too am a yoga instructor, a dance instructor, I am even a god-damned canoe instructor.... I have jogged, and meditated and gone to ritual and prayed, I have seen more therapists over the years than I've got fingers and still I am who I am, and recovery seems like an absurdity on a level only matched for homosexuals attending conversion bible camps. On the surface I may be able to restrain impulsive tendencies, or stop the cutting behaviours but it seems to then leak out in another aspect, like compulsive shopping or jogging or mentally igniting rocket launchers to blow up my ex-lover's house, or stalking his facebook and dating profiles, while stifling wrenching moaning sobs in the shower so the neighbours won't hear. Is this curing me? Or is this just making my behaviour more comfortable for everyone else around me, so they won't run away screaming like they just saw Linda Blair's head spin around in the Exorcist.

I recognized my crazy, and if therapy has done anything for me, it has made me incredibly self-aware of my issues and flaws, and to listen carefully to other's about how my behaviour has hurt or impacted them. And the angst and humiliation and pain and hatred I have for myself in knowing that I have hurt those I love to such a degree is soul destroying.... mainly because I am fairly certain that I will do it again, not because I want to, but because I can't help it. I am Linda Blair, and I am possessed of a Demon inside me that is a cruel and vindictive asshole. And knowing what I know about myself now and the extent of how ###$ up I really am and the damage I have wrought and will ravage upon loved ones makes me question the validity of my existence.

Ignorance was bliss, and although I was suffering from my disorder, ultimately that kept me safe and going because my delusion allowed me to separate and externalize the issues.... it was always something else. But now I have no excuses, because the mirror has been turned around and I am staring the demon in the eyes and it is my face that is staring back at me..... I am responsible, I am accountable, I must live with the ramifications and the knowledge that I am likely to hurt and harm myself and others again. Self-awarenesss brings insight indeed, but also responsibility.... Suicide has never seemed so necessary than it has since I understood the extent of my illness..... And NOT killing myself now, feels like an act of narcissism because everyone else around sure as hell would be better off if I wasn't here. That is for damn sure.... Some may say that is an extreme solution, but love and loving and being loved is all I ever wanted in this world... and coming to terms with being a Borderline Personality Disordered woman has made that an unlikely scenario under the circumstances in which case what is the point of living anyways? Ignorance is bliss, but self-awareness is suicide....