Confused after break up.. Please help me

Hi I really need some comfort and Advice.. I have manic depression, OCD, anxiety and possible BPD. I met this guy at a bar and we moved fairly quickly and we were dating for three months. We spent a lot of time together, but he had a drinking problem and was older than me, he's 35 and I'm 22.. He showered me with lots of attention that I was lacking at the time. I had an absent father growing up and I also got molested when I was younger, so I'm not sure if that's a factor.

It was a good relationship and he treated me pretty well but it was pretty unhealthy and I think he might have had co dependent issues or a possible narcassist, I'm still unsure.. He came on really strong after I noticed him.. I felt like this guy was almost my soul mate because we were so alike and understood each other. I grew extremely attached to him and when he'd leave I would get anxiety attacks. We broke up because for some reason I was extremely triggered in the relationship and he couldn't deal with it because I was suicidal and pushing him away a lot. I was going through a lot of issues at home.. I'd lash out and say awful things that I never meant. He'd forgive me and was patient with me which I took for granted.

He tried to stick by me but he couldn't handle when I'd do these things and he said it was toxic and it really was.. I blamed myself, but he told me not to and then he started blaming himself. I don't know why I acted this way, but I'm filled with guilt and questions.. I really miss him as my boyfriend.. He still checks up on me which is great but I'm filled with a lot of sadness. As much as I want to talk to him I find it really hard, so I've distanced myself a little.. I acted in ways I am not proud of in this relationship. He wasn't perfect either, he sometimes didn't take my concerns seriously and was kinda cold at times. After this break up I'm looking towards therapy, because it really opened my eyes of my behavior instead of blaming someone else.

I am so confused about everything right now. Why did I behave this way? Was I to blame? Was he a narcassist or was this my own issues? How can I start healing? I have so many mixed thoughts and feelings.. I haven't been able to sleep and I've been crying a lot.Please help

I'd just forget him and act as if he never existed tbh. It would be better for the both of you. You will find someone else, but take care of your mental health first.

TameQueen wrote:I'd just forget him and act as if he never existed tbh. It would be better for the both of you. You will find someone else, but take care of your mental health first.

Thank you for replying.. That's what I was thinking, but he kept messaging me and I wanted to think we can continue and maybe he did too? I don't know he said he still cares but he broke up when I really needed him.. I felt abandoned it might sound selfish of me, but I really wanted it to work out but I'm not so sure now.. I'm having a hard time coping.

You have to also think about his needs. If you were being harsh towards him by screaming or saying things, he may feel trapped or uncomfortable. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, just that sometimes people need to distance themselves from whom they love bc that person is toxic. We all have been there. Some men are more patient than others. Mine certainly is.

TameQueen wrote:You have to also think about his needs. If you were being harsh towards him by screaming or saying things, he may feel trapped or uncomfortable. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, just that sometimes people need to distance themselves from whom they love bc that person is toxic. We all have been there. Some men are more patient than others. Mine certainly is.

I understand what you mean.. I actually put his needs above mine a lot of the time maybe that's why I lashed out. There were times I felt he didn't really care and I feel like maybe I just fell way too hard. Sometimes he confused me because he'd say things that didn't match his actions and it triggered certain reactions in me. He even said I was the only good thing in his life because I stood by him.. Why did he leave then? Maybe when I tested him when I was triggered I freaked him out. I really did feel awful after these out bursts and I'd usually cry because hurting him really hurt me as well.. I was dealing with emotional abuse from my mom and I feel like I was maybe taking it out on him. It literally kills me that I hurt him enough to leave.. I did cut a few times but he doesnt know which I'd never tell him. I was honestly falling in love with him and it really scared me. After all of this I'm surprised he doesn't hate me. It really soundd messed up I know.. I don't understand why I would push away or hurt someone I love but when I get triggered I can't stop.. He ssid I was mean and I can take that. I feel so ashamed because I never realized how bad it was.. I almost felt like my mom.. such a wake up call.

Sorry also my mom kept saying if he knew the "real" me he'd leave which I guess this confirmed it.. I know what I was going through doesn't excuse anything but I thought he knew how much I cared.. I tried extremely hard to make it work despite my issues but I guess he wanted out.

Your mom sounds like a c.u.n.t

Do you think maybe you’re feeling guilty about being the more volatile one in the relationship and maybe you feel the need to still contact him or fix things because of it? To like prove that you CAN make it work? I’ve been there.

Anyways, best thing you can do in codependent relationships or as a person with a PD or when with someone with a PD etc. is set strong boundaries. Figure out what you expect from others in relationships and also how you expect to treat others and stick to it. It can be hard when you come from an unhealthy background or you struggle with a PD, but it’s a good first step to take.

I wouldn’t suggest getting into a serious relationship without undergoing some therapy and learning some coping skills and working on healthy boundaries and such. It will only hurt you and the other person in the long run. You may feel like you need this person right now, but if it’s right, then the best thing you can do for yourself and whoever you get into a relationship with is to work on some of your issues and build some kind of foundation.

Hebi wrote:Do you think maybe you’re feeling guilty about being the more volatile one in the relationship and maybe you feel the need to still contact him or fix things because of it? To like prove that you CAN make it work? I’ve been there.

Anyways, best thing you can do in codependent relationships or as a person with a PD or when with someone with a PD etc. is set strong boundaries. Figure out what you expect from others in relationships and also how you expect to treat others and stick to it. It can be hard when you come from an unhealthy background or you struggle with a PD, but it’s a good first step to take.

I wouldn’t suggest getting into a serious relationship without undergoing some therapy and learning some coping skills and working on healthy boundaries and such. It will only hurt you and the other person in the long run. You may feel like you need this person right now, but if it’s right, then the best thing you can do for yourself and whoever you get into a relationship with is to work on some of your issues and build some kind of foundation.

Well yes I do feel guilty, but he said he did too I mean he must know he triggered me in some way, he is older. The thing is he messages me way more than I do so I feel like he must be feeling bad too about some things. I tried fixing it and making it healthier, but he seen nothing wrong with it until I started getting really upset. I realize I do need therapy but this relationship has left me with a lot of mixed feelings.The truth is I feel just sad about the way it ended and he keeps messaging me and I don't understand why because he knows I'd take him back if the chance was there.. I have forgave him for a lot and he just gives up .. I told him it was confusing because here I've been crying and he seems ok.. I'm way more upset than he is it seems.


He said he keeps checking on me because he cares about me, but it actually hurts because I want to be with him still. I mean he keeps popping in and out but doesn't mention getting back.. Like I'm just confused because on one hand I want to get back together and on the other hand I feel like it's always been on his terms.. That bothered me a lot. Yes he treated me well but at the same time I felt unheard a lot which was a big reason why I'd get upset a lot.. I'm really trying to Examine a few things. I keep blaming myself and then him.. ugh. I'm starting to think it wasn't right and I clearly am not good enough for love.

I'm distancing myself because I'm not sure why he wants to talk to me.. When we've broken up and his friend confirmed it too.. He told me before that he was unsure and we kissed before he left.. Then he was messaging me nicely.. When his friend mentioned that we broke up I messaged him and asked if that's what he really wanted and he didn't say anything. He knows I'm upset about it, so what is he doing? He's toned it down a bit the messaging but I don't know what to think right now.