new to anger

Hello all,

I've recently been getting in touch with anger...as in any anger at all. I've never really felt this. My reaction seems to be an intense emptiness when someone makes me angry. SO I've learned that when I feel angry someone has probably really triggered and frustrated me. This is anger inwards? I don't seem to be able to express it outwardly. I literally can't speak.

Today in therapy I focused and tried to feel this anger... anger at my parents for forcing me to shut down my emotions and become empty instead of teaching me to deal with them.

Was wondering if other's here go through the same thing. I've read this is common for the quiet kind of BPD. Do you relate?

I do not know,i feel anger and then i try to suppress it on purpose and then i feel this intense emptiness. I relate with that description. Like despair or helplessness.apathy.void.
I haven't been diagnosed.to not confuse you.

I can’t really relate. I have been angry since I can remember. Not just angry, but like filled and boiling over with rage. I have peaceful moments, I guess that’s usually when I feel apathetic and empty and meaningless. I don’t even know. I just know anger is always very close by and can be here within a moments notice.

Now, I don’t act out (or in) as often as I used to. “Anger directed inwards” for me would be in the form of SH, negative self talk, or some impulsive or destructive action taken when I completely hate everything about myself and can’t stand to look in a mirror because I suck so bad. If I’m not lashing out at myself, I might lash out at someone else.

I wasn’t particularly angry just now, but even just writing this I can feel my physical signs of anger, my jaw and hands getting tense, my arms get hot, clenched teeth, I feel like I must be pissed now.

I thought they mean self harm or eating disorders or self hate because you can't express your feelings. when they say inward .
Not sure.this is what i assumed. what exactly they mean with saying turning it inward?.
It could be depression also i guess

This is kind of like me, I tend to turn the anger in on myself. For years I’ve never been angry with anyone else, although I’m starting to get more angry with other people lately.

I think it all depends. When I was growing up, as well as up until this year, I never really expressed my anger towards people aside from if I was in a relationship with them.. Even then it wasn't all that often. I'd let it build up and then burst.

These days it's much different. While I do get angry with my boyfriend it isn't the same. It's turn into me mutilating myself instead of staying mad with him, because I don't want to be angry with him. I'm also more argumentative with others these days. Maybe I'm becoming more of an asshole, I don't know. I'm just sick of people trying to push me around, and so I have 0 problem making a scene or confronting them. Before this year I'd certainly let people push me around, and avoid confrontations as much as possible. They used to make me cry in fact.

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Side note: Only time I feel like I literally can't speak is when my emotions have gone from 0 to 6347823327462 super quickly, and I'm having trouble processing everything that's upsetting me. It's not so much anger, as it is me feeling extremely, extremely upset and often suicidal.

yeah, to clarify, instead of feeling anger and when i feel empty I act impulsively, want to self harm, have unprotected sex, spend money, binge eat (was full on bulimic for years), get drunk etc.

I know many people here are in touch with anger. I'm actually envious. I wish I was more in touch with it, in as positive a way as I can.