Some advice...please!

My ex boyfriend and I broke up a month ago. We were really happy for a year, until my bpd got the best of him. The poor guy just couldn't take the mood swings, the freak outs, and obsessive worrying anymore. He was still coming around all the time, telling me he loved me, and being there for me (not sexually...I mean really being a friend). Things were good, but I had a freak out this weekend. I'm just really still in love with him, and he says he is with me, so it's hard for me not to act out and do things that I think will make him come back but really just backfire. He called me last night and said "I don't think I'm gonna be coming around much anymore." I asked him why, and he said because I was killing him It hurt so much to know what my disorder was doing to him. I did the wrong thing...the begging and crying for him not to do that. Finally, he hung up on me. I left him a message saying I was sorry...that I wanted him to take some time....that I still loved him...maybe he'd never come back, but I loved him and I'd be here waiting for him. So...now what? I just leave him alone, but I'm going nuts with worry and fear. He's going out to the bar EVERY night after work. He took his pictures of me off myspace That was like a punch in the stomach....even though I'm still his number one friend I guess what I really want to know is he really gone forever?

How do people feel after getting out of a BPD relationship? I'm so scared he'll see how stress free his life is now and not come back to me, or is it common for them to "recharge" and want to come back? I just miss him desperately...but I think giving him his space is the only thing I can do for him.

Take this for what it's worth -- coming from the ex- of a BPD...

I notice that your post is all about how can you predict *him* and get *him to come around*.

I don't see anything about how *you* are working on the behaviors of yours that are "killing him."

I'm sure that you *are* sorry. He probably can believe that, too. But are you ready to show that you are working on your issues and your patterns? I know that's a tough one. It'll take some shrink-help for sure. But doing your work on your "issues" is the only way you will stop having that impact on others -- and thus the only way that you can wind up having a better life yourself.

Sorry if that seems harsh, but I'm calling it as I see it.
—LQ

I'm in counseling and on meds...now I just want my baby back

ThankGodImCute wrote:It hurt so much to know what my disorder was doing to him.

Perhaps if you rephrased the above to read "It hurt so much to know what I've done to him."

Coming from the partner of a diagnosed NPD who insists he's actually BPD I can share with you some of the things I'd like to see him change with his behaviour.

1. Start to accept 'real' responsibility for your actions. This doesn't mean saying mildly when pressured "Yes, I can see I've not been the catch of the century." But phrased this way: "I can see that when I freaked out I really hurt YOU." "I acknowledge the hurt you must have felt when I said or did ........." "I really need to work on my xxxxxxxx{insert sabotaging or negative strong emotion here} as I can see it's damaging our relationship."

"I am so sorry for xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx {and list ALL the things you are truly sorry for}. Can you ever find it within yourself to forgive me for what I have done?" And mean these sentences.

2. Ask him to let you know what his boundaries are. This should get you an immediate positive response. Ask him to make a list, think about it. Ask him what he needs you to do so that the relationship has a chance of becoming fulfilling for him. Eg: No screaming, no lying, respecting his opinion and saying so, no criticisms, no name calling. That type of thing. He'll get the gist of it. When he gives you the list, ask him to explain EXACTLY what he needs so that it can't be twisted around later.

3. Start acting like you can control your freak-outs. Stop 'freaking' out. Just stop it, your therapist should be working on this with you anyway. But simply put a stop to it all, take a calmer approach.

4. Get some relationship books and let him know you are reading them. Be pro-active, search your community for relationship support groups or positive thinking or anything that can show you are actually 'doing' something, not just paying lip-service to it.

5. If he does let you back into his life, ask him to tell you immediately when you are not acting right. The partner does take a little of the responsibility here. It's no point in him letting all the 'stuff' happen to him and him not say anything. Ask him to tell you when you're being 'over the top'. He'll need to call you on it everytime, and you will need to be able to rise to the challenge of accepting his calls with calmness and with a sense of the fact that he is actually trying to help you help yourself.

Treat your disorder like an addiction that can be fixed over time. Like giving up smokes or alcohol. It'll be difficult and there'll be many set-backs and no guarantees at the end either.

Good luck!

It's a tough call, just like LoveQuiet said.

Now, it's been two full days with no contact from him, and I'm starting to get scared I'll just never hear from him again. I called last night just to hear his machine when I knew he wouldn't be home. He'd changed it from "You've reached ***-****" to "Hi, this is Eric. I'm either not here right now, or I'm screening my calls." I'm terrified that means I'll just never hear from him again. If that's the case...I'm gonna have to deal with it, but I don't feel strong enough

Lynn,
Good try.

Yeah, I picked up on it too

As the saying goes...... I rest my case......

i doubt she read that $#%^ anyways. shrugs.

I know this has been years, and you guys probably don't come around here anymore...but I happened to come across this old post and wanted to share something with you all.

I came to find out that I was not actually borderline. I had simply been in an abusive relationship with a borderline and had been manipulated in such a way that I thought I *was* the crazy one. I forget the term for it, but it was like I had taken on some of his borderline qualities. He had made me crazy, basically.

So rereading these posts, I'd just like to advise you guys to be a little more careful about the way in which you speak to people on these boards. They could be in my situation. Anyway, I'm happy and healthy now and in a normal, functioning relationship. I had to confront the issues that made me drawn to him, but now that he's out of my life, I'm good

Merry Christmas, Cute! What a nice gift you are giving us this Christmas morning: an update, two and a half years after your original post, letting us know the story ends in growth and redemption. It is kind of you to share this with us, together with your observation that Nons can get so confused by a BPD's projections, controlling behavior, and abuse that they end up thinking they are the ones exhibiting that disorder. The term you are trying to remember, I believe, is "Stockholm Syndrome." Have a happy new year with your new partner!