How to deal with feelings of abandonment?

Dear all,

I hope this posting finds you well.

I'm in need of some advice. I have a strong tendency of feeling abandoned and when I do so, I start bombarding the other person with messages and/or phone calls. For example, a few weeks ago I met with a friend whom I don't see very often as he lives in a different country. We had a nice evening. We had dinner and went to see a movie. I expected him to come home with me afterwards (because we usually sleep together, we're not a couple, but we're both single and we're like "friends with benefits"). When he said that he felt very tired and wanted to sleep at "home" (a room he has rented for his stay in this city), I felt extremely sad. But I didn't tell him about it and as I rode home alone I felt the emotions rushing through my body with an enormous intensity. I even started crying on the platform, waiting for the train. When I was home I sent about a hundred messages some of them saying that "I am so ugly, of course you don't want to be with me." Some of them saying that I "hate" him and some of them saying "Please come back." I had to get his attention somehow, I felt forced to do it even though I knew it was a bad thing.

I have experienced similar things very often in the past. Also, it bothers me a lot more than it should if, for example, a friend doesn't have time or if my therapy session ends. I feel abandoned and unloved even though I know it doesn't make sense. But the extreme behaviour (the phone calls and the messages) only happens if it is a man I had sex with.

Does anyone have similar experiences? The problem is that my feelings at that moment are so strong and horrible that I don't know how to stop it. I would need some kind of technique, something I could do to distract myself or just feel like I can be alone and be fine. How do you cope with situations like this?

Thank you and have a lovely day!

my abandonment issues haven't acted up much since I've filled myself up more instead of depending so heavily on external forces which, yes, do sometimes leave in some way or another. I found more things that have meaning for me, that soothe me, make me feel better. hobbies, self care, spirituality, volunteering, school. purposefully being on my own helps SO much because I'm not reliant on anyone to take care of me. I've proven to myself that I can be okay on my own, and so I'm not nearly so afraid of people leaving because I know even if it makes me sad, I'll be okay in the long run.

To the original poster, I could have almost written this except for just a few differences. I only seem to do it to two people in my life: my mom and my partner I’ve known for years. Do you find that you react this way to everyone or was it specifically this intimate encounter?

It’s almost as if they are both a trigger for me in some way or I give myself permission to behave that way. For example, the man I’ve been with for years could be at work and he has a physical job-I know he’s literally sometimes unable to take his phone out of his pocket but I will begin imagining these weird scenarios that he hates me and no longer loves me or I’m not worthy of a response. With my mom, I do it because in the moment I feel child-like, infantile almost and just want my needs met. I have such an intense fear of abandonment... yet mine always comes out in vicious verbal attacks rather than turning it inward. Other than that though, I can definitely relate to the bombardment of texts and calls. Sometimes, if I feel an episode come on, I open up a “note” in my phone and try to logically write my feelings down to the person I’m feeling ignored by but never send it. It can help act as a diversionary tactic until the intensity passes.