Ruined my life big time, how do I carry on?

I have just come back from Poland where I was for almost a year due to me impregnating and starting a relationship with a girl I met in my country from Poland she wanted to be pregnant after just a month of being together so I don't think she is most sane her father is schizotypal and she has so schizoid traits that seem to come and go.

Now we are "separated" physically because I had so many episodes and then ended with me taking a power designer drug and ending up in a psychiatric hospital in Poland I was to much of a risk to have around a new baby and the environment of Poland was making me sicker. I also have bunch of legal stuff going on that I am worried about everyday.

She plans to come to live in my country with me in February if I get better and get my life together but I have so many issues including over $10,000 in debt because of all these times I kept taking off overseas for a relationship all in collections and my bank account got closed due to overdraft.

Right now I'm living at my mums on a remote farm on sickness welfare.

Its going to take me over 20 days to even get my license back to drive anywhere here and we 17kms from nearest shop, because 2 years ago I crashed my car drunk and acted more crazy then I was to avoid drunk driving charge so now it says I must have mental health clearance to drive for last 2 years I lived in the inner city and never needed to drive so I never sorted it out.

I have so many suicidal thoughts just because of the mess my life is in my travel history is ruined, I have been denied entry to countries, my credit is ruined, everything is ruined. I have to sort this all out to save the girl I love and new child from slipping away from me forever into eastern Europe.

I'm trying to walk 2 hours everyday and reading mindfulness but the pressure is so much its hard to even carry on. Normally I would just abuse drugs heavily at this sort of time but I don't have access to any and want to get better.

Can this life even be fixed or do I have to snuff it since I broke it so bad. My father has ASPD and has been to prison for GBH at times I have often been quite psychopathic but I have pain unlike him intense emotional pain from my self destructive actions I do on impulse.

Okay. So to summarize: you're in debt, recovering from drug abuse, can't see your girl, and you can't drive for a bit. You also feel a lot of emotional pain that's difficult to cope with and you have thoughts of suicide.

I would not say that your life is ruined. I mean sure debt and legal issues can be hard to deal with, but it's possible enough to get through them. Maybe see if There's some debt forgiveness program or something that's available to you and if not then it's still not the end of the world because $10,000 isn't $100,000. I bet that in a year or two you could save up enough to pay it all off plus buy a plane ticket if you wanted to.

As for emotional pain and suicidal thoughts that something I experience too. Something I think a lot of people experience. And learning how to overcome these can be the most difficult. If you have health insurance then you might be able to get a prescription for anti-depressants or something and that might help, but if not then I personally believe that lifestyle changes are the only way to overcome depression. Drinking more water, eating healthy, exercising, getting outside, be more social, that sort of thing. That's still where I'm at right now. Trying to make lifestyle changes to overcome my depression.

Anyway, the value of your life isn't determined by your financial situation or what kind of rut you're in at the moment. And I think life is a gift that we can't afford to waste. You have to be sort of a naive idealist sometimes and believe that the future will hold something better for you and the most sure way to make that happen is to try to be continuously improving yourself in the present. You're not taking hard drugs right now right? I think that's something big and you should be proud of yourself. I hope things turn out for the better for you and take care.