Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

I'd say a definite yes here. I am scared that a romantic partner will leave me. Does not apply to friends and family etc though.

2.Unstable relationships

My relationships with friends are long and stable. I have a good relationship with my parents, sometimes - especially when not in a relationship - I talk to my mum a lot (in a positive way). Sometimes I get annoyed with her, but yeah my relationships with family are good I'd say. I did get very drunk one night, and apparently I was screaming at my mum (this was during a time I had a relationship that wasn't working and wasn't happy) to a point where she didn't recognize me and even was scared of me. :'(

Romantic relationships, well I've had four. The first I can't remember too well. I remember feeling I was more into him than he into me. I got really sad when he said stuff like another girl in my class was so hot, and I also thought it was weird when he said my younger sister would become really hot... anyways he left me and started seeing someone else before he broke up with me. I was really sad for awhile, but then had the best year of my life. Second relationship was a bit unstable, I was jealous and insecure and afraid of him abandoning me. Even though he was super in love with me and the nicest guy ever. Third, very unstable. Pro-athlete with some issues of his own. Fourth, a guy who - according to himself - has had very stable relationships before without any discussions or fighting. However, our relationship has been very unstable again with a lot of fighting and almost break-ups, and he says it's because of my low self-esteem. I've been very jealous and there has been a lot of fighting (although mainly over other things I think, I've been too critical towards him, gotten mad when he's done something "wrong" according to me and also have been afraid to be alone and thus hindering him doing things with other people). He feels that as soon as he wants to do something else I think I'm not being prioritized and that I feel he's abandoning me.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image.

Very clear values. Perhaps too much so at times. Especially when it comes to how to behave in a relationship. My views there are probably not quite healthy at times... Not sure about the unstable self-image... having a hard time grasping that one, what it means. I've heard that I have low self-esteem from a few people so maybe that's true. Not sure though. I feel like I might have low confidence, but I do believe I'm worth something and for example that's why I got mad at my fourth bf at times - because I didn't think he treated me the way I deserved to be treated and thought I treated him.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.

I have a hard time controlling alcohol. Not drinking alcohol is fine, don't have a problem with that. But when I do drink, I can't tell when it's becoming to much and I often drink too much then. I've always felt I have an "addiction-personality" so I've always stayed away from drugs etc completely. I'm addicted to sugar tho, and diet soda etc. I eat candy every day, and then feel bad about it and how I look.

5.Self-harm.

I cut myself for awhile when I was younger (13-14 I think), and in my last relationship I all of a sudden did this again (27 now). That scares me... now we're broken up I have no urges to cut myself. I'm afraid I might have done it just to get to him, when I felt he just wouldn't listen to me and I got scared and I cut myself to snap him out of it kind of. The first time I think it was just to ease the emotional pain, but I guess I saw that it also "worked" so the fighting stopped. This part of me scares me.

When we've had bad fights I've also hit myself etc. It's like I lose control because it hurts so much when we can't reach each other. I hate it when me and my partner don't understand each other...

6.Extreme emotional swings.

Hmm. My friends and colleagues say I'm always happy. I usually am with them as well. With boyfriends though I do have emotional swings. Or rather I'm not as happy as with friends and acquaintances. I get annoyed quite easily in relationships and nag.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.

No.

8.Explosive anger.

Well my fourth boyfriend might say so. It's not explosive-explosive though. I'd comment on something, perhaps annoyed about him not prioritizing me or not cleaning well enough, he'd get very defensive (he hates critisism, and I don't even understand how he can think it's so critical sometimes... we're very different there, very). But some back and fourth arguing, I have gotten really angry... not proud of that either. Or angry is the wrong word. I just don't know what to do when we can't communicate. I scream, I've cut, I've hit myself. Things that could look like anger, but I wouldn't say it's anger I'm feeling. He's been on the verge of leaving me a lot of times, and has left for days, and I think I get scared. I don't really know. I don't understand how we can get into arguments about so many small things...

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

Hmm don't really understand this either, but no I don't think so...

I just don't know... something is definitely wrong with me. I've been way too jealous in relationships where I've had no real need. Like looking through his messages and stuff, it's so bad and I feel horrible about it. I can't really handle it when I find things that shows a side of him that he's said he doesn't have. Like if he says he doesn't like to party, and then he does it for a week straight... I get so confused. I feel I can't trust what he says. I just don't know if it's all because of me, or partly because of him as well. For example, he's said that he'd never just leave for days again and then two-three weeks later he does it. I'm too easily annoyed at people close to me as well. And the self-harm part! I've been sure I have borderline for a few days now. I don't know if I'm just trying to convince myself that we were just not right for each other.... and thus not taking full responsibility for my actions.

Sorry for my English... obviously not my first language.

Hello everyone, sorry if my English isn't good but I'm writing from Italy.
I'm 25 and since I was a teenager I've felt something was wrong with me, but I didn't know what. My story is quite long but I'll try to be synthetic.
When I was 12 I was bullied and I was victim of the "pull a pig" prank, which means that one boy tries to seduce the ugliest girl of a group and then humiliates her in front of everyone. This experience was devastating, and in addition after that prank I was bullied in every imaginable way from my classmates for about two years. When I was in high school I started having first romantic experiences and I realized that they always followed the same pattern:
- I start dating a guy that I don't really like, because I think that cooler guys are out of my league;
- things go smoothly for a month or two, then I feel the URGE to TEST my boyfriend's love and devotion, so I start arguments over nothing, I use silent treatments, I yell, lose my temper, get jealous and possessive. I test my bfs because I think "why would someone date an ugly, stupid, boring girl like me? they must have an agenda".
- the meaner I am, the more I hate myself. Thus, even if my bf reassures me about his love and devotion, I feel more and more insecure, then I start more arguments and in the end I destroy the r/s.
- in the end, the guy leaves me and I feel destroyed. the I find another guy and the cycle begins again. In every r/s I bring the baggage of the previous r/s, such as "Why would X love me if Y left me"?

I experienced sexual trauma, even if I don't think it was rape. When I was 18, I was in a r/s with a guy who wanted to have sex, even if I wasn't ready at all. He threatened to leave me if I didn't have sex with him, and I was SO TERRIFIED OF BEING ABANDONED... that I complied. But my first intercourse was HELL. It was painful, terrible. My body was closed and I cried for the pain. Turns out I suffered from Vaginismus, a psycho-physical condition in which the pelvic floor muscles tighten because the woman has a subconscious fear of penetration.
But my bf kept insisting, he yelled at me, he was upset, so I forced myself to have intercourse. From then on, I've always had painful intercourse and vulvodynia (vulvar pain) until recently.

I have a terrible fear of abandonment, expecially with guys. If my significant other doesn't text me, I start feeling anger, void, sadness, desperation. I fear loneliness so much that I cheated on my partner just to be sure that, in case my official partner left, I'd have another option. I cheated also because I need to be told I am beautiful. I crave attention and validation.

I swing moods a lot: for me, everything is either wonderful or disgusting, and people too. I consider romantic relationships like a struggle for power. I crave for intimacy, but I can't handle it, and I am not able to share my flaws and weakness with my SO.

In my past I engaged in subtly self-destructive behaviour: unprotected sex (no STI thank heaven), impulse spending, and binge eating.

I had terrible rages between 18 and 22 years old age (I hit my boyfriends and insulted them in really demeaning ways), but I always had a temper. When I start an argument, it can last for days.

Last year I experienced the most terrible depression I can imagine. Everything seemed senseless and I felt that my coping mechanism weren't enough. I tried to kill myself, but I was rescued. I was diagnosed with Major Depression, I'm on duloxetine and I'm getting therapy.

Therapy has helped me:
- to understand that I can be vulnerable with selected and trustworthy people;
- that sex is a pleasure and not a transactional act (my dyspareunia is getting better);
- that I have to CARE about consequences of my actions on others (I am succeeding in being faithful to my current SO, even though I still like getting attention from other guys).
- I am learning to handle my anger by focusing on its real triggers.

My therapist has diagnosed me only with Depression but I suspect I may be a high-functioning BPD.

What do you think?

Hi everyone My life is a mess and everything is falling apart. I am struggling to cope and looking for answers, so I decided to come here to see if any of you lovely people could help me. Anything at all is appreciated. If any of you think it's worth it I'll go and see a doctor in the autumn. Just looking for an opinion. I am almost 18 if this helps since I've read that this could all be teenage hormones.

1.Fear of abandonment.
I am terrified of abandonment, though not consciously if that makes sense. It's not a conscious stream of thought rather a unconscious instinct and panic. I drive people away with how badly I want them to stay, sometimes going so far as to cut them away myself. I go to some impressive lengths to get people to stay, from being the best friend I can possibly be to guilting them with suicide to make them stay.

2.Unstable relationships.
I once threatened one of my closest friends with suicide (I'm not suicidal) to guilt them into staying friendly with me and instead she cut me out. It really messed her up. She was one of the sweetest people I ever knew and she herself had a history of depression and familial suicide and I still feel guilty for what I did. I emotionally stifled another one of my friends and I didn't even realise it until she said she had to leave the friendship.

Another thing I notice is how the way I feel about people changes so much based on tiny, tiny things they do. I love them and then I'm suddenly blocking them on social media and blanking them in real life. This happens because maybe they read my message and didn't reply, or they didn't reply in the 'right' way, or something in their body language is off and I interpret it as 'oh, they hate me how could they'. Luckily, they don't always notice but I'm aware it's as stressful for them as it is distressing for me. I have no clue why I even have friends or get invited to parties since I treat people so badly and I really don't deserve them.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image.
This is a huge one. I feel like I don't have a core and I am just a transient viewpoint on the world rather than a core personality. I just drift. I latch onto fictional characters quite strongly and I liken myself to them and even try to become them by taking on their traits and habits and then they'll be my whole identity for a while until they fade and I find a new character. It's a bit sad, really.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.
I have a bad relationship with food and alcohol. I go for a while without eating and then I'll binge and on occasion purge. Whenever I get my hands on alcohol I drink until I pass out, so I try to avoid it.

5.Self-harm
I self harm a lot. I cut usually a few times a week. But I engage in another kind of self harm in that I sabotage things for myself all the time and it grinds me down. I don't cut because I want to kill myself, I do it to both control my emotions, usually anger or despair, and to alleviate guilt because I feel I deserve it.

6.Extreme emotional swings.
This is a big one. Small things cause huge reactions. Sometimes nothing at all sparks rage, despair, sadness. I once broke down because sometime came up and I couldn't go to lunch. These emotions consume me when they strike and myself and everyone else are just victims of them.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Sometimes I sit back in my room and I realise that I feel nothing at all. I feel so hollow sometimes and nothing fixes it.

8.Explosive anger.
Rage is the word I'd use, rather than 'anger'. It's explosive and inappropriate - I'll throw stuff around my room, break things that are important to me, and cut myself. It can be triggered by something as minor as seeing a friend spending time with someone that isn't me.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
I'm severely paranoid and anxious. I am afraid of everything - sound in the night? murderer. Someone looks at me? they're going to kill me. Someone smiles at me? they think I'm dumb and they hate me. Car drives past? drive-by shooting. Plane experiences turbulence? it's going to fall apart. People don't text back? they died in an awful accident. I am suspicious of everything and everyone and my default is always to assume that things are dangerous and out to get me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm disconnected from reality, if that makes sense. I'm not sure how to explain it other than I'll be walking around and I'll suddenly feel separated from the real world as if it's not really there.



Anyway, that's it. Thank you for reading this and thanks for any help you might offer

Hey!
I've been wondering if what I'm experiencing could be bpd. Some background: 19 yo girl in college
Without further ado...

- My self image fluctuates from feeling superior to feeling absolutely worthless and wrong, but mostly the latter.
My self esteem relies on others' approval. Which is horrible as I pretty much always feel unwanted, so I quickly back out of what could lead to friendships and relationships (I basically have no friends).
Unwanted = worthless. To put it lighlty.

- I guess I'm impulsive and self-destructive. I used to shoplift, had anorexia, I tend to drink too much, I hook up with strangers and unprotected at that, ect. When I can't do these things I feel like I might lose it (which is often as I don't have many people to go party with c )

- I self harm (cutting, scratching, bruising)

- Periods of emptiness Vs. periods of extreme sadness and anger when everything is complete chaos. I feel restless and detached and I randomly need to cry (a lot). That's when I either isolate myself, cry and cut or/and get drunk and call questionable guys.

- I've been thinking about suicidal gestures lately. I don't actually want to die but I can't go on like this. I'm miserable. And I feel so alone. It can be unbearable. I sometimes feel like I'm losing my mind

I have been trying to find out what's wrong with me for thirty years. I'd never considered BPD until recently when I chanced upon a random video of a psychologist talking about the traits of people who have it. Almost nothing I've ever seen anywhere, IRL or pop culture, has ever felt like, 'That's ME they're describing!' This was pretty close. The only other things that have struck a similar chord was a few stories from people with DID, and the movie Oculus. Everything in that movie is me; all three main characters.

Anyway, let's go through the list.

>1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

This, I don't have. I'm fine alone. I often prefer being alone. Closest I can compare this to is that, as a kid I was so desperate to be liked that I'd go into Entertainer Mode and try way the hell too hard. Usually annoying the hell out of people and driving them away.

>2.Unstable relationships. ...

Never had a romantic relationship that lasted longer than one date. I've ruined quite a few long-term friendships with thoughtless, self-centered behavior.

>3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...

I actually have a very strong sense of self.

>4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...

Ah. Here we go. It pretty much feels like my subconscious is a separate person, that acts without my permission, and has a constant mission to sabotage and humiliate me. I've lost every job I've ever had because of this. It's like living with a roommate that NEVER STOPS with immature, cruel, repetitive pranks. It gets into my hands, my memory, my sense of time, and if I'm honest, causes glitches in reality that I could not have affected by myself, consciously or unconsciously. Patterns of things going wrong, with such perfect 'bad sitcom writing' timing that it's painfully obvious to me something's controlling it. But I don't have any hallucinations, audio or visual. I'm not unaware of my behavior, or think it's normal, like a shizophrenic. I can be completely clearheaded and this stuff still happens to me, every single day, and it drives me into fits of screaming frustration. No exaggeration, I have been so angry I've thought I was about to give myself an actual heart attack that would kill me, and I still couldn't stop being angry. It's like being followed by a guy who poke-poke-pokes at the back of my neck with a sharp pencil, and he never stops, and there is literally nothing I can ever do to get away from it.

>5.Self-harm. ...

I'm too afraid of death for suicide. I have a low pain tolerance anyway. Though I've certainly gotten so angry I've slapped my face red.

>6.Extreme emotional swings. ...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHA YUP

>7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...

I don't know if I'd call it emptiness but, there's definitely times when I realize I've been like this for decades, and nothing's gotten worse but it hasn't gotten any better either. And I'm going to have to spend my ENTIRE LIFE like this. And that thought is so exhausting. I almost wish I was suicidal, because then I could give up. But I can't. I'm trudging along on a path without end, with no reward, and I can't even let myself fall down and stop.

>8.Explosive anger.

SEE ANSWER SIX

>9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

I think it counts if it literally feels like there's something hiding behind reality, screwing with me so it can have a good laugh.

The thing that cued me into BPD as a possibility was, the psychologist described how people with it can be very intelligent, can describe their symptoms fluiently, but are completely helpless at effecting any change to make those symptoms better. That's certainly me. And the other thing was idealization and demonization. Treating people like they're the best person in the world one day, then turning around and seeing nothing but their faults and possible betrayal the next day. I don't treat people like that. But then I considered, maybe it's because I was raised by an abusive family, and I learned the lesson young: you do not ######6 hurt the innocent. Ever. Your mental illness is no excuse. And I've failed at that vow, but at least I've tried to keep it. So maybe this "IT" that follows me is something I created to direct my impulses at. A punching bag. Something to hate with all my heart, because I know the people in my life don't deserve it. And the idealization part... I'mma be honest, I'm not going to go into that because I'm embarassed to. Suffice to say, I've created an outlet for those feelings as well. I have no idea if this is BPD, but since I've investigated a couple dozen other diagnoses by now, let's explore this one too.

I have recently been diagnosed with BPD for the first time. I went back to all the articles and books on this and I cannot disagree with the diagnosis anymore:

This thread is for people to post questions about whether they might have BPD.

The 9 symptoms of BPD

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.
--yes one of my biggest fears and triggers for extreme anxiety/depression. Although I want to be alone all the time, yet I cannot cope with the idea of being abandoned/rejected.

2.Unstable relationships. ...
While I have been in the same relationship/marriage for almost 2 decades, we have broken up and gotten back together more times I could possibly count. And spent at least 10 years of that "half in / half out" of the relationship. Every other relationship in my life outside of the marriage was very dysfunctional and weird.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...
Yes constantly.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...
yes, coping mechanisms over the years has involved impulsive spending, actions and heavy self medication.

5.Self-harm. ...
yes, I have attempted suicide more times I can count on one hand

6.Extreme emotional swings. ...
yes, extreme panic attacks, anxiety, depression, paranoia, euphoria. Every day, over and over and over. Hence the self medication and management of these unbearable emotions and thoughts.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...
I havent felt fulfilled in my life, past, present or future for such a long time I dont even remember what it feels like. Just numb outside of the mood swings.

8.Explosive anger.
I have this mostly under check, and keep internally. But it is a constant problem.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
All the time, suspicious about others motives and intentions. Feel out of sync with reality or in a fog / tunnel vision very frequently.

I dont doubt or question the diagnosis anymore and have given up being able to control these things.

1.Fear of abandonment.

It hurts so much to be alone... When people decide to drop me... I feel the worst. See? It's happening again. No one wants you when they see you're broken. They only want you when you're good.

"You're unlovable, no one ever loved you"
"You're going to be all alone"
"I'm only just still living for my cat"
"I've made myself a promise after my cat goes, I've got nothing to live for anymore. Might just as well get over it and end. "
"All that people want is what you're good at... not someone who is broken"

I'm so hypersensitive to the way people say things. And when they do get slightly out of it... I perceive it as a threat... I'll go hyperaware of my environment and anxious.Questioning EVERY motive and what people say. Confirming to them, "SEE, you ARE the problem it is not going well!"

2.Unstable relationships. ...
I get all intense at first with new friends. And then when the excitement gets off... I don't know if it's me or them... But it just waters down a lot. Some will just never contact me.. Until I contact them. It feels so lonely . But then again, I want to be alone at times too, because I'm overwhelmed and such.

When I find new friends, I'm going all up into them... I want to hear from them everyday... And if I didn't get a text back from them by evening... I get very anxious.. "Did I say somethign wrong? Why didn't they text me back yet? OH NO THEY ARE LEAVING ME TOO .... See! I'm garbage. No one wants me, no matter how nice I am. No matter how much I care."

3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...
I used to have this, but since I discovered I'm trans, I'm feeling way better now and on hormones too... It's beginning to give me a sense of self, that what I think and feel isn't wrong and bad.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...
OH, whoops, there went 400 euro in one evening trying to get that stupid item in a mobile game.
1 week later... GRR ###$ THIS GAME... *dumps it*
*Feels all guilty about the money spent*

OH LOOKIE NEw GAMES... *buys 10*... 1 year later... never played them yet.


5.Self-harm. ...
I used to be 170kg... and quickly going more morbidly obese. From binge eating. I couldn't care about myself anymore. Until 3 years ago I got weight loss surgery... Which brought me back to 100kg... But, I still binge.. But way less since I can't eat that much as I used to anymore.

6.Extreme emotional swings. ... & 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...
I can be happy during the day, then come home. And feel the emptiness and loneliness consume me. It hurts so much that I sometimes go to sleep like this... IF i'm able to sleep at all.. sometimes it's just a night of insomnia,and


8.Explosive anger.
Colleague: Hey I found this problem..
Me: Sure, let me come down to help you out! ^_^ *happy to help*
Colleague: *Shows the problem, kinda shows me he doesn't want to get the problem solved*
Me (Internally): GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, "I come down here to help out, solve the problem, so you can continue... And you just sit there, and really not care about it!"
*walks back to own desk, all pissed off*
*grumps for the rest of the day(s) about this coworker. And probably will not interact with him ever again.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
Being overly sensitive to what are thinking is a habit... The look from your eyes. The way your voice intonates something. The way you act. If there's just a slight key off of this... It feels wrong.

I tend to go off into my own space. Due to overwhelmed of surroundings or in busy meetings.. They're hard to follow... And then get pulled back into the meeting. By someone who tells me to pay attention and that I'm rude!Which confuses me, because they're talking about things I can't begin to say a word about. I'd rather be of help somewhere else.



----

Currently in therapy for being HSP... But, The more I watch video's on BPD people who tells their experiences... The more it creeps on me... :S

Do I have it?

I'm going to my therapist with this next session.

Hello! First of all my name is Jade and im 16 (boy). Hope everyone is having a great day! So, I've been wondering around if i have bpd, hope you can help me come to an answer! (I don't want to go to a doctor just yet because im afraid of my parent's reaction)

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.
So, when I'm alone I'm feeling bad about my self as if no one wants to be my friend, most of the time when I'm alone im getting sad or empty. I always try to connect with people so i won't be alone but at night I'm starting to feel the worst out of the whole day.

2.Unstable relationships. ...
I'm not sure what you mean by that. but my relationships are weird because i always try to be with everyone so i won't feel bad about myself as i mentioned earlier, when people are $#%^ to me I either don't like them or try to talk to them since i don't want to be alone.

3.Unclear or unstable self-image.
I always think about how i disappoint my parents and how im a waste and just hurt people who i love.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...
If you mean binge eating, spending money, and sex related stuff than none.

5.Self-harm. ...
Yes, i do self harm. Mostly at nights, I've cutted 4 times last month and tried to stop since then, i managed to hold for a month but this week I've cutted 3 times. I self harm when I'm alone and feeling bad about myself and feeling many things at once so i find cutting relaxing.
Suicidal thoughts, i have them sometimes at nights but i won't suicide because i don't want my family to be sad.

6.Extreme emotional swings. ...
Yes, my emotions swing alot, they can change even couple times in just minutes, from sad to angry to happy, many times.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...
I'm feeling empty MOST of nights when I'm unable to sleep, Insomnia. For example im writing this message at 00:45 and i have school tomorrow. Like most nights i can't sleep untill 1-3 am.

8.Explosive anger.
I can get easily angry and when im really angry i can fight people just by the way they move, when I'm angry i can start to scream at my friend for walking so slow.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
Not sure what this question means. If i get it right, sometimes i feel like life is a simulation or a game.

I guess that's it. Hope you can help me understand what's wrong with me, have a good day and happy new year!!

Can anyone explain to me the difference between BPD and Bipolar? I have been diagnosed bipolar for a long time, but I have so many of the symptoms of BPD.

Can U have both BPD+NPD? If so. Anyone with experience that could tell a little bit on how these people are in general? Do they feel they are the greatest in the world at the same time as they feel the are the worst in the world?