Do I have BPD? (Q+A)

I can see why these questions are important, in particular if someone has a BPD parent, with full diagnosis or traits. I have a mom that I believe very definitely had traits that reflect much of what the criteria calls for. Naturally I have often wondered if I am like her. I know I am not, except that my relationship, while long have been long but filled with conflict. I do believe that this reflects growing up with a borderline traits mom. Fear of abandonment is a big one for me but I am working on this with my therapist.
Gabby girl

Hi, thank you for reading my post.

I am not expecting a professional diagnoses, here but, I have been in therapy since last year, first starting low intensity CBT, almost immediately being moved into high intensity CBT, and now my therapist is looking at transferring me to secondary care, as he said he thinks I need more than what high intensity offers, due to the things we've talked about, and also after me looking for a while online I came across BPD, and i really feel a connection to it, but after going through this with him, going through each symptom he almost immediately decided I need to get tested for this, so we're in the motions of sorting that out.

I was told to write down everything in relation to each 1-9 symptoms of BPD, so my therapist can send this off to secondary care ahead of my test, I guess I'm just anxious and now i'm questioning whether I've just felt like i relate to it too much just because I seen it online, or I don't know, I'm just stressed.

1. Fear of Abandonment
- In relationships, I often have made threats to harm myself because my partner has wanted to go out with friends and I don't trust her and don't want to be left alone. Or I have got angry or cried and felt overwhelmed with emotion at the fact they would rather go out and leave me, or I'm constantly really overly jealous and suspicious.
- I have never stuck with a group of friends for longer than a few weeks/months as I just seem to bounce around between different groups or different types of people because often really loving their company all the time to
not wanting to speak to them at all, deleting their text messages and stop talking to them alltogether
-When I have been broken up with in past relationships, I have tried by any means neccessary to not be abandoned, such as using different phones to contact, or making several fake facebook accounts to try and message partners because
they have blocked me or do not want to speak to me, but I can not handle the overwhelming feelings at the time, this is followed by shameful feelings and guilt for the lengths i go to.
-Whilst in the Armed Forces, I fabricated an absolute lie (which I do sometimes, either for more effect, to get people to like me, to be more interesting, or for other reasons, usually not purposely) to my section commander that the girl who'd broken up with my was pregnant (she wasn't) and that's why I really had to go home even though it was against the rules in basic training.
-I always feel like I need constant reassurance in any relationship, i always end up feeling really insecure or sad a lot of the time that my partner doesn't feel the way i want them to about me, i really find it hard to try and accept
how they feel about me when they do reassure me, this comes off a lot of the time as very clingy and annoying, or as though i mistrust them.
-At times over the years, when I've had friends or partners taking a while to message/text me back it's always really made the thoughts in my head race at a million miles an hour, and i end up ringing them constantly or sending a lot of messages, or just starting arguments.
-For the most part, I do not have any friends, I don't tend me make relationships last, especially friendships, i find it really hard to stay connected with people, I will really be involved and talk to them in all my spare time at first, and then i just stop talking to them all together, or slowly talk to them less and less until, this makes it really frustrating as I've dealt with this for so long, now I'm at point where I don't even bother because I'm sick of being fickle.

2. Unstable Relationships
- Every relationship I get into, even before a week I usually have intense feelings of love and literally picture the girl as perfection and can not see any flaw in them whatsoever, and want to spend every second of every day
with them (My family have pointed this out many times over the years), this almost suddenly changes to absolutely not being able to stand anything about them, either the way they walk, talk, won't leave me alone/clingy and I usually break up with them, in longer relationships i have
been called things like controlling for things such as being angry my partner is going out, or doing something else other than replying to my texts or giving me their attention etc.
-I have been ridiculed by past partners, saying that I am playing them or have used them simply for sex, because after a week or two of me worshipping them, I suddenly am very nasty, ridicule them and tell them to leave or
am very uninterested in them, it mostly feels quite black and white how i feel about partners, which has always caused trouble in relationships
- Being around friends, I never seem to stick around the same people, or even with family. Sometimes I'll be all up for being around them and laugh at their jokes and plan fun things to do together, and suddenly everything they say
irritates me and I find myself thinking in my head excuses for me to leave, or for them to leave. My friendships are usually intense and short-lived, as I'll spend lots of time with someone and then go off them completely, or I just don't feel like I want their company, it's very hard to put into words.


3. Unclear or unstable self-image
- I have a hard time even thinking about my self image, I struggle to decide whether I like certain things because I'm not sure what I even want or like,. I am not sure the type of person I am
whether that be my dress sense, hair, music tastes/hobbies or general interests, almost sometimes like I just copy traits of everyone else and I don't actually feel like I am a person with my own identity or personality.
-I never stick with jobs or hobbies, because my whole opinion on it changes quite sporaticly, either i turn off liking the people I'm around, lose interest in the job/hobbie altogether and despise doing it, lose my temper or feel
extremely depressed all of the time doing it. But at the start i usually absoloutely intensely love the job/hobbie and think it is amazing and am extremely obsessive at first.
-When watching TV Series/films I sometimes start to take traits from characters, such as the way they act, or the clothes they wear, So much so that even in my head I kind of feel like I am really like that character but in real life,
this is another way in which i become obsessed, with the characters in tv shows/movies, i sometimes end up watching the same thing on repeat a few times because i can't let go when it's finished.

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours
-I have used drugs since I was 16 and often binged using Class A Drugs (or others) even sometimes for a whole week straight, often going into a lot of debt with drug dealers and getting into situations that I should not be in,
such as owing them money, or times I have been using that long that I have no idea who the people are that i'm with, or where I even am. Often I absoloutely hate the idea of doing drugs, and can't even imagine wanting to do them
at all, like I'd have no interest what so ever in being that kind of person, then other times I absoloutely love to do them and really enjoy it and don't see the downside.
-I do not drink a lot but I shift between hating the idea of getting drunk, thinking people who drink are pathetic and can't have fun any other way, or are not my type of people, to completely relishing in it and wanting to go out partying
all the time spending money i do not have, or using overdrafts and loans to be able to fund it.
-I have had a lot of unprotected sex, a lot of times with people I have either arranged to meet online on sex websites, or other people using drugs/alcohol. I have also paid for sex on several occasions. I have also had sex in either risky places, or with risky people such as ex-girlfriends where relationships have ended badly, and I bugged them and bugged them to meet me and turned it into having sex.
-I always get extremely obsessed with hobbies or interests or even people, and it's all i can think about, non stop, i'll invest as much money, time and thought to it as I can, and then all of a sudden I feel totally uninterested, this has meant over even the past year I've joined many clubs or activity groups and bought equipment etc, then completely lost interest within a few weeks, such as Diving School, Ice hockey, Animal rights activism, but in my
state of being obsessed i find it quite impossible to think rationally such as "I think i'm investing too much too quick" this sort of thing also happens with girlfriends/relationships. To explain how irrational it is sometimes - I was watching a blind girl on youtube who creates vlogs, and become absolutely obsessed with it, watching every one of her videos then even imagining being blind, or even hoping i would wake up or become blind, then researching blindness for days, this feeling passed after a few days and only then i realised how ridiculous it was - over the years this sort of stuff has happened a lot, I joined the Armed Force mainly because I came absolutely obsessed with the idea of joining and it's all i wanted to do once I got the idea in my head, I get a whole massive idea in my head when I get obsessed with something which is hard to explain, but it's like my destiny, i can picture everything, then i just totally change my mind, this caused me to quit college when I was 17 (Studying ICT) because I had been watching a TV Show about a forensicist, and I became so obsessed then I quit college and reapplied to a different course, I only lasted a few weeks as my whole mind changed after the obsession wore off.

5. Self-Harm
- Since I was around 15/16 I have always pulled my hair and punched myself in the legs due to either severe sadness or absoloute rage and fury, when I see red it is far more likely that I will hurt myself. I lose all control and
continue punching myself or the wall, or a lot of the time my possessions, even in the past few months I've smashed sat navs, 2 phones, things at work etc.
-The self harming has only increasingly gotten worse over the years, and progressed into digging my nails into my arms deeply and scratching until they bleed, this have even more escalated to the point of cutting, as it is such a release and it totally grounds me and stops me feeling so foggy and almost "underwater", when I lose my temper i have severely scratched my arm until it was bleeding, and it is the only way i can
release the rage inside of me, as well as with cutting.
-At other times, I've nipped, scratched, hit or cut myself because feel as though I'm not in my own head, like sometimes I don't feel like I'm really grounded or a sort of disconnect.

6. Extreme emotional swings
- I have had emotional swings since I was a teenager, I even went to the doctors about it when I was around 15. Although at the time it was dismissed as puberty mood-swings, which I have always thought it was, but continuing into
adulthood, they have not stopped at all.
-Almost daily, my moods switch suddenly, i will suddenly start becoming extremely irritated at things that should not really bother you, such as the radio being a little too loud, or my phone taking a few seconds to connect to
my bluetooth, small things such as this completely set my off into an absolute rage where I can not control myself, I scream like i'm possessed, roar, punch things, dig my nails into my head, pull my hair, punch myself or break my possessions or self harm.
-I often have severe anxiety in social situations and when people are watching me I almost feel like my movement becomes robotic and I'm not even in my own head, and all i can focus on is how i'm talking or moving and it feels as
though it becomes stuttered, sometimes i feel like i've said things outloud, but then I haven't and I find myself second guessing if i've actually done or said certain things, this often ends up with my having to go and sit alone,
normally in tears and feeling ultimately hopeless and that there's something really wrong with me, If I am spoken to whilst people are around and I must talk i feel like I have became the centre of attention and I can not deal with it
at all and become very panicked.
-A lot of the time at night I feel extremely hopeless and even sometimes dazed/confused as to whether I'm even real, or even exist in a real world, it's almost euphoric, and many times I have burst into tears out of confusion
because I feel like I don't know what's happening or where my life is going at all, impairing me being able to even focus or read or listen to music, sometimes i'll even have to read something over and over because it won't go in
when i feel like this.
-I feel as though the smallest little thing can really bother me, but most people wouldn't take it seriously, such as a joke at work that i've took long doing something, or any sort of humour directed at me, or even someone mentioning
for example if i've had a haircut etc can really bother me and i will non stop think about this all day until it sets me off.
-All of theses emotions seem to come out of nowhere almost, and normally last a few minutes or hours.
-Sometimes after i've felt bad i'll feel extremely good, to the point where i'll be singing really loud or dancing or filled with loads of energy, but not like 'normal happy' it's like an extreme, i sometimes even get
unexplained butterflies.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
-I sometimes feel almost like I am underwater, or disconnected from everything.
-I feel like this leads to major confusion as I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, or even what I want, and end up feeling incredibly sad and alone and panicked.
-Often i hurt myself, or even sometimes in relationships cause arguments and drama just to feel something, like feeling on edge or filled with anxiety.

8.Explosive Anger
-I constantly lose my temper, even daily, I become irritated and infuriated for the most random reasons. Such as I was trying to edit an image on my computer recently and I was finding it difficult, I snapped and throw my headset
across the room, started shouting/screaming/pulling my hair, and then began to cut myself and it's as though i've completely seen red and it just takes over.
-I have smashed a lot of my own possessions out of anger, but for simple reasons, I feel like I am very over sensitive and the smallest thing can set me off in a total outrage. Things such as my laptop has took more than a few seconds
to load a webpage so i have threw it across the room, then picked it up and punched the screen until it's broken.
-When I was a teenager I used to always punch my friend because i'd have terrible mood swings/rage out of nowhere, once again thinking it was puberty, I have always struggled with rage outbursts, but I feel as though I am very
good at keeping it hidden from others, so much so that members of my family may not even know.
-My anger isn't usually directed at other people (usually), as I wouldn't like people to see me that way, and generally take my anger out on my own possessions or myself.

9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
-A lot of the time I feel like I'm underwater/disconnected from the world around me, like i need to splash myself in the face with ice cold water to wake up.
-I have always been paranoid of people that I do not know, for example even now if it is late and I am to walk past people I will always expect them to say something to me, or attack me, even sometimes in an anxiety filled situation
I will often feel like people are laughing at me or mocking me, even friends, and i feel become very twitchy and on edge.


if you got to the end of this, then thank you so much for reading, your eyes are probably hurting now so i really appreciate you taking that time

A few problems I have with reading about BPD online is that -
-I don't have any problem with abandonment unless I'm in a relationship, like I guess, I don't have anyone in my life that I'm close to, at all. I don't have any close friends, I'm not close with any of my family, I live with my mum and step-dad but I just can't see any intense thoughts about them really whatsoever?
-Black and White thinking- This has really been my main conern that I've read about, I don't really feel like I do this, unless I'm just overthinking it.. for example, I don't have B&W thinking with everything, I mean, for example my parents, I'm impartial a lot of the time, or should I say, I either think they're okay, or I really dislike everything about them, or for example any sort of people i know, like work colleagues etc, I just don't really care? I don't hate/love them in black and white, i guess this is a hard thought because I don't really make any connections with people really. although a MASSIVE thing throughout my life has been for example , I will take up a hobbie/love interest and be absolutely infatuated with it/them, like almost instantly, and this will go on for maybe a few weeks, then i lose all interest, can't be bothered with it/them, or in relationships this has happened where i literally can't even stand them breathing, talking, i just get so angry and irritated, which makes them cry and i just feel so bad, and then i try and be nice but i just can't i just can't stand them, so then i break up with them. Is this black and white thinking?
-I've read that a lot of people with BPD, their close family would know, but I think I may be the best "chameleon" in the world, no one knows anything about me REALLY, like I don't purposely do it, but I am so different around people, and then when i'm by myself, the anger, the frustration, the crying, the outbursts, the self harm all comes into play, i just go absoloutely F**king mad when I'm by myself alot of the time.
-A last point, is that I pretty much function in society, I have a job (albeit i do change jobs fairly often, i'd say normally 2-3 times per year) and apart from the odd comment from certain people, I feel like I'm normally a pretty cool guy, ok with ladies, ok around people, i'm not an alcoholic, i don't use drugs everyday that affects me going to work etc?


I know this was a really really really really long post, but I just have to get feedback on this, is there anything i should add, anything i should delete? I totally feel like I'm bearing my soul here as this is exactly the text I'm going to send to my therapist to refer to secondary care, should i delete any of it? I keep feeling like some things i've explained wrong, or even now that I don't feel the emotion it's almost like i've made it up for effect, so should i just delete those parts?

p.s. if anxiety takes over i may delete this post

Been diagnosed with chronic moderate depression for the past 10 years.

Recently, my therapist suggested I had BPD traits and I'm not sure if this is how I want to think about myself because of the stigma. Maybe I can describe my problems here and people who actually have it or have traits could tell me if they feel what my therapist is right. I think my traits might actually just be symptoms of a subtype of depression and there's just overlap between diagnoses.

The 9 symptoms of BPD

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.

Only in romantic relationships. And only when they show they are disinterested in me or are mad at me then suddenly I am desperate for love and I need them so badly. I've had chronic depression since 14 (almost 25) and since then, I've craved love and needed it badly. Before depression, I'm pretty sure I had 0 abandonment issues... so it makes me think it's depression causing it.

Some extreme examples are telling a guy I like that unless he does this behavior that I want, then I will kill myself. This only happened a few times in my life.

Romantic partners showing up late sometimes make me think they don't care about me at all and I get mad and cry and think they are a horrible person.

For some reason, I care A LOT about what my parents think of me and my community (I'm asian american). I think if I don't meet their standards, they will disown me/emotionally abandon me. This only started AFTER I got depression at 14. I try very hard to meet their standards. I gave up a lot of my own interests and identity to be loved and accepted. But I still dont feel loved and accepted and think I am worthless and would rather be dead sometimes. I don't know if this counts as "fear of abandonment".

2.Unstable relationships. ...
Only in romantic relationships. I've never had a relationship I was satisfied with. I get mad and slighted very easily and I want to break up and do sometimes break up over what other people might think are little things, but they are big things to me... I want to break up with my boyfriend every single time I'm mad at him (which is every time we hang out) because when I'm mad, I hate him and I can't remember the good parts. But then a few hours later, it passes and I go back to loving him and I can't believe I ever wanted to break up with him in the first place. But it keeps happening, over and over and so far I can't control it. I cry every time he says something that hurts my feelings (almost every time I see him in person).

Ex. Yesterday I was super mad at him for not taking me home at the time I wanted to go home. I despised him and I wanted to break up. I was sooo sure I was going to break up with him like I am every time. But an hour later, I felt better. He also reminded me to use my therapy skills. And then I realized he is the best boyfriend ever.. And I truly felt so grateful for his help. I caught myself. One minute I hated him and I was absolutely positive we will break up and then an hour later I'm thinking he's the best boyfriend ever? That's weird.... Later that night, I was replaying the scenario in my head and I realized I'm mad at him still and I wanted to end the relationship again. A few minutes later, I changed my mind.


3.Unclear or unstable self-image. ...
I have stable identity. I have values and interests. But I'm scared people will leave me or dislike me for who I really am so I pretend to be someone I'm not.

4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. ...
No.. I "binge eat" and play games when I know it'll affect my mental health negatively but I don't care in the moment and I do it anyways. So I'm impulsive but not self-destructive. I don't do drugs, alcohol, sex, or even know how to drive (bc anxiety).

5.Self-harm. ...
Chronic suicidal ideation for the past 10 years. Physically hitting myself when I'm mad but that's VERY new. I saw my bf doing that to himself when he's mad and I internalized it. I never cut myself or burned myself or had any desire to do so.

6.Extreme emotional swings. ...
One minute I want to kill myself then 5 minutes later I don't and then I go back to wanting to kill myself. I can be sad and then happy and then back to sad in a span of 15 minutes. It's mostly have to do with guys, and romantic partners. Underlying all of this is depression... a deep sense of hopelessness and low self esteem. The SEVERE mood swings only started when I had depression at 14. I think the mood swings might only happen when I am dealing with depression but I have chronic depression and there's almost 0 times when I'm not at least low level depressed or numb.

Example. Someone didn't respond to my text quickly. That means he does not care about me at all. He does not respect me. He does not love me. I hate him. But then he responds and explains he was in the bathroom. Ok, I forgive him because it was just a misunderstanding. But an hour later, he said sometime that I thought was offensive and I go back to thinking he hates me, and does not care about me.

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. ...
No

8.Explosive anger.
Only around romantic partners and it's not explosive. It's just inappropriate for my age. I cry a lot when I'm angry and pout.

9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
No

I really don't know what to think. Is it just depression? I'm not even sure if my description matches the trait. I'm not even sure if what I wrote counts as "abandonment". I've always considered myself someone that was tough and didn't care about being "abandoned" because I'm better/stronger than that.

In relation to my last post, I just wanted to point out that I feel like I'm very much the quiet borderline type, I flip and rage and everything but I woul never show that around people

Can I also point out that I am male. I can't find anything I remotely relate to because research suggests men with bpd are very outward and even the typical casanovas

Caz0964 wrote:In relation to my last post, I just wanted to point out that I feel like I'm very much the quiet borderline type, I flip and rage and everything but I woul never show that around people

Can I also point out that I am male. I can't find anything I remotely relate to because research suggests men with bpd are very outward and even the typical casanovas

Hi Caz
I am one of the moderators here and i'd like to reassure you if i may, that we do have some Borderline males here (might help) to reassure you

gender isnt a problem here

It really depends of the person. I have 6/9 traits but I'm pretty sure I don't have BPD. All of these are just false positives.

I've suspected BPD in the past as well as stuff like IED. Recently my therapist assessed me for BPD (she didn't tell me she was doing it but the questions she was asking were pretty much the BPD diagnostic criteria. She then told me that she was referring me to secondary care so I could get long-term treatment (I was having short-term CBT for my emotional outbursts, low mood and anxiety). I've been thinking about this obsessively so I might as well see how well I fit the criteria.

1. Fear of Abandonment:
I don't worry about people abandoning me forever. I don't mind being left alone either, I actually can spend days on end without communicating with someone. I have however done the begging and clinging before. The most notable time is when I was in secondary school and a very close friend of mine suddenly started to get angry at me for no reason and avoid me and initially I was angry, but then when I realised she was going to stop talking to me, I started apologising (for literally nothing) and begging her to just talk to me and I physically wouldn't let her leave the school. I made an absolute fool of my self but that didn't stop me. And I don't know if this is related, but any time I get into an argument with someone and they want to leave or just drop it, I will not let them. I'm not necessarily thinking "They're going to abandon me" I'm just thinking "No, don't go". I did occasionally think that when people don't reply to my messages, they don't care about me, but that rarely happens now. Can't actually remember the last time I felt like that.

2. Unstable relationships:
I've never been in a romantic relationship. I do tend to get crushes fairly easy and obsess about them and can easily put them on pedestals while thinking I'm not worth them, but there's never really any emotional connection- which makes sense- I never really have the guts to get to know any of them. I did have one serious crush on a friend I had. We weren't that close but then she confided in me about her mental health issues when I was at my low point in school and I guess I was drawn in by her vulnerability? It started as a feeling of admiration but then it soon turned romantic and suddenly she was my everything and became my will to live. But then she got a girlfriend and I was upset but I was okay just being close to her, but then she wouldn't confide all her problems to me and that made me upset and it felt extremely one-sided (which, I guess, it always was but I never realised) and I did get angry and talk to her about it. Eventually I just stopped talking to her because it was too painful.
As for relationships with my friends, they can be rocky at times because I can get painfully jealous when they hang out with other people.
My familial relationships are pretty toxic. I've been alternating between hating my parents and sister and being grateful for the support they've given me.

3. Unclear or unstable self-image:
I would say that I have an unclear self-image or sense of self, though I'm not entirely sure what the 'self' is. It sounds very vague and I'm not good at verbalising vague things. I mean, I have likes and dislikes. I do have morals and values. My views on my gender and sexual identity have fluctuated with the last few years, though I've settle on two (woman, bisexual). I know I hate myself. I can't remember liking myself. I don't think I'm evil though. I don't know how to respond to the question "Who am I?". My ideas on careers have changed a lot and now I don't really have any clue about what I want to do. I don't think I want to do anything (I do have a career plan and I'm currently in university. I don't want to change it because uncertainty scares me).

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours:
Nah, I'm not really impulsive at all. I like certainty so I'm really careful with money. I don't binge eat. I don't drive at all. I hardly drink. I don't use other recreational drugs etc. etc. The most impulsive I ever am is screaming at people and saying horrible things when I'm angry and ripping up stuff and throwing stuff though the ripping and throwing hardly happens and I never destroy anything valuable.

5. Self-harm
I'm not suicidal, though I've made threats of suicide when people have made me upset. I've self-harmed in the past and currently, mostly through hitting myself though I've recently had a violent urge to use a (k) out of anger.

6. Extreme emotional swings:
I would even go as far as to say that unstable emotions is part of my 'identity'. I get really nervous when I'm really happy because I just know any little thing will send me into a depressed mood or an angry outburst. Little inconviences can literaly send me into an emotional tailspin. It's scary how I can go from normal to 'I want to die' or '[Insert string of profanities here]'. I think these can pass within a few hours, especially if I'm angry rather than upset/depressed. My emotions also feel really strong and painful. Sometimes even being really happy can be a little overwhelming. Being upset or angry was like there's a fire in my chest and it's really painful, especially if I don't lash out.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness:
I felt this a lot in secondary school, before I fell out with my friend, which is probably what lead me to find BPD. I don't know if this is also tied to loneliness, but I felt extremely lonely as well, even when I wasn't physically alone. I used to think that I was missing half of me which was I was obsessed with finding a significant other or at least some kind of soulmate. As for feeling ike 'nothing' or 'nobody' I felt this way regarding how other people viewed me. I thought I was invisible to others and that no one cared about me and that made me feel like I was 'nothing'. Not sure if that's what the article was getting at. Now-a-days I don't get those feelings of emptiness as often, which is odd because I actually have less things to keep me pre-occupied. It could be the stress of uni keeping me busy.

8. Explosive Anger:
Oh, definitely. No doubt about it. I have an extremely short temper and I get irritable very easily. I have trouble controlling it because of the pain it causes when I don't express it. I do seem to be having less outbursts lately. It could be because of therapy, or it could be because I'm directing that anger inwards and I'm angry with myself a lot of the time- hence why I hate myself.

9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality:
I struggle with paranoia. I worry about strangers attacking me in some way. I have these invasive thoughts that tell me how a person is going to do X or Y to me and sometimes I involuntarily visualise it happening- like I'm having some sort of vision, and normally they don't bother me too much, but sometimes I get scared or panicky. I don't know if stress is related to it- it just seems to happen. I don't think I dissociate. There are times were I do feel a little spaced out, but I wouldn't go as far as calling it dissociation, or at least, dissociate to be concerned about. The closested I've even come to disociating is when my 'narrating voice' sort of starts watching me cry or get angry and it's just kind of taking note of what's going on so that I can remember later (because I've got a terrible episodic memory). I remember once I was crying quite violently and I was kind of just watching myself cry- not like I was outside of my body, but that my body was crying and not me, I was my narrative voice, just watching in the background and taking notes and trying to figure out why I was crying and making theories and such. This doesn't happen every time I cry or get angry, but it has happened and it's a little weird, like there's a disconnect between my thoughts and my emotions/behaviours? In fact it makes this whole process a little hard. A lot of people seem to have self-awareness, but I seem to be lacking that. I feel like I'm only scratching the surface of myself, but I can't really get any deeper.

So, regarding all of that, would it be likely I have BPD? I've somewhat convinced myself but I'm not going to self-dx, I'm going to wait until I can meet my therapist again (which is like in a month's time TT-TT). So, any thoughts, anyone?

I saved my flatmate's life (who I had a crush on but he wasn't gay and we used to joke about it) after he cut himself, doctors said I saved him in the right time. He was completely naked when I saved him, which traumatized me even more. I had been in his shoes several times in my past but never went as far as he did.

This really traumatized me, but for the first 2 weeks i forgot i existed and he was everything. Regularly visited him in the hospital with food and friends. We talked a lot and i always told him how i love him and all his friends love him. While in the hospital, he decided that he wants to move out of our flat when he's released. At that point i had felt so betrayed that it finally released all my emotions. I broke our kitchen plates and messed up the house.

Then I become very selfish, filled with anger and hate. Some of my friends just couldn't handle how abusive and destructive I became, some didn't know what to do (my flatmate didn't see that because I distanced myself).

I then lost my job (which i started 3 days before he attempted) after that, I tried to check into a hospital twice but after a talk with the psychiatrist there and some meds I went home. So I decided to get better by traveling to my home country to see my parents.

I asked him for 1 favor, please please don't move out before I return. Logically, he cant move out in the 2 weeks that I'm gone because he was still in the psychiatric ward. Unfortunately, 4 days before I arrive, he tells me he's moving out in 2 days.

His decision destroyed me completely and I just couldn't believe that I meant nothing to him after he meant the world to me. Oddly enough he was still hospitalized and continued to be hospitalized for another 2 weeks, but his excuse was his one friend with a car (although there are many with cars) can only drive him that day. I finally raged at him and told him he was dead to me and just tried my best to forget him.But the day I arrive from the airport the first face i see in the flat is him, apparently after walking my dog. I just told him leave now, couldn't even look at his face.

During this period, my attitude pushed ALL my friends away, so I was all alone and family in another country (country at War). After I moved to a new flat and settled (3 weeks after i last saw him), I felt lonely and tried to mend my relationship with friends, but they were stubborn, so I thought i needed to fix my relationship with the source no matter how hard it is. Surprisingly, he wasn't too interested in fixing the relation and said he doesn't need a symbiosis in his life that he never asked for. After that, I was just really sad and in pain, but no suicidal intent, so I decided to cut myself, just so that my physical pain hides my emotional pain. Luckily, my friends saw this cry for help, they did an intervention which I was amenable to. But I still can't get over the betrayal I feel from my ex-flatmate, and the sadness over losing him.

I would like to know why he banished me and whether he ever cared about me in the first place, I don't want sexual love or a boyfriend's love, I wanted the love of a best friend. I'm the only person he banished and I can't seem to move on, I cut off my social media and removed all means of talking to him, but just the mention of his name saddens me. I guess I feel something like fake grief. So any ideas? But I also think my description to this event kinda mean that I have BPD

Thanks and sorry for the long read

Sorry I'm new and posted something I should've just posted here... Anyway...

The 9 symptoms of BPD

1.Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.
-I have this one mainly with sig. others and friends. It is extreme.
2.Unstable relationships
-This one is tougher, because I stopped having friends because it hurt too much when they left or didn't like me, and I feel like everyone hates me, so the stress was too much. So I don't have a ton of relationships. Sig other relationship have always been very unstable though. I do splitting there a lot.
3.Unclear or unstable self-image.
-My values don't change so much as my view of my self. Like whether I'm okay or worthless.
4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.
-Mostly substance abuse for this one, or what I do when I'm angry.
5.Self-harm.
-Yes. When I'm upset it's like I cannot not hurt myself. I punch my legs, bang myself against stuff,
6.Extreme emotional swings.
-SO YES. It is absolutely debilitating, and caused by tiny tiny things sometimes.
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.
-Sort of
8.Explosive anger.
-Very yes.
9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
-Just suspicious that people don't like me.

Be aware that people can also have traits of BPD without having a full diagnosis and that those traits can still significantly impact their life. It is not necessary for someone to have a diagnosis to post here- anyone is welcome to post, so long as they are respectful.

Thoughts?

1. Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone.
-I'm not sure, I keep telling myself I don't need people, and I'm alone currently.
I know I'll end up alone and my friends will eventually leave me so I've come to accept that (not really) so maybe I'm not afraid of that?
2.Unstable relationships
-Does unstable relationships mean that I can't maintain them? Because if that's what it means then absolutely. I still have some friendships, though nothing to meaningful, but they are still fairly stable I guess? Inside of me they do feel kind of chaotic though, even if I don't show it in my actions. And honestly once I stop having classes in common with them I stop seeing them no matter how much I want to.
3.Unclear or unstable self-image.
-I'm not sure what I want from life and sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am and what I believe in, it's like I change my beliefs based on who I'm with. There are a few things I'm sure about myself though, especially in the value of life, although now that I think about there are moments when I feel some people have no value whatsoever and are better off dead. Still it doesn't last very long.
4.Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.
-Not really, I'm fairly controlled and calm, except when I hurt myself I guess. I constantly have impulsive thought but I don't act on them, so there's that.
5.Self-harm.
-Absolutely, I hit and bite myself when I'm stressed out. I think it helps to relieve emotional pain by focusing in the physical. I've cut myself too, not deeply though and have tried to stab myself, tried.
Once I kept a noose around my neck for about an hour while tightening it from time to time.
I'm not sure if that last one counts as 4. or 5. really.
6.Extreme emotional swings.
-All the time, the smallest thing will trigger extreme shame, sadness, hatred or whatever. Happiness not so much.
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.
-Sometimes I feel like nothing, llike I'm not even there. I think it happens mostly after one of those emotional swing although I'm not completely sure.
8.Explosive anger.
-Explosive as in towards other people? I think only with my mom, though that's gone almost to zero. I know I have tremendous amounts of anger and hatred but I'm able to control it very well. I only direct my anger towards myself and when I'm alone (or think I'm alone).
9.Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
-I guess I feel suspicious that people don't like me and use me, though that last one I'm sure is true. Seeing how people only seem to talk to me when they need something. And my doctor has said many times that some of my beliefs, like the last two, don't represent the truth based on how I explain the situations to him, so maybe there's some truth in it?