My mind is in some dire straights

My homicidal ideation is getting to off the charts levels. I seriously hate my mother so much I can't stop thinking about beating her to death. I feel like I could drool venom lately. I feel like I just straight up cannot even handle it anymore. I can't handle being around her anymore and have nowhere to go. The only compassion I have left at all is for my dog but that's it. Tomorrow I'm going to be taking him to the local humane society shelter. Their rescue success rate is over 98% as far as placing animals in good homes, and from their website it is clear that they pull out all the works in medical treatment even for very ill animals rather than euthanizing. They should have no problem finding my dog a good home, since he is small, adorable and very friendly, plus neutered and has all updated shots. I love him but can't take care of him at this point in my life. Then I am going to the emergency room and checking myself in for severely violent thoughts and feelings. I don't know what will happen after that but I've gotta do something.

what did you mother do? and what's making you stay with her , why not abandon her? why is it either die or stay with mom , no other option? and don't believe these ######6 liars on the shelters , their success rate is not even close to fifty percent , depending on where you live it may be even less

Well the shelter has received "No Kill" awards for their success rates. And my dog is probably one of the most adoptable dogs they will ever see in their facility. Small, super cute, very friendly, all shots and already neutered. It's the best option that I have for him. I don't of anyone who would want to adopt him, personally, and it's not actually safe for him to stay here in this house while I am in the hospital or wherever I wind up. My mother passively sat back and had no problem with my father killing and torturing my pets when I was a kid. She used my demented father for abuse by proxy in numerous ways, and targeting pets was no an exception. Plus when she gets into that dark, nasty headspace she can do any sort of ###$ up $#%^ and then put on super charming mode and deny it completely in a flash. IDEALLY I would be able to just go live somewhere else and take my dog with me but that's not an actual option. And I would looooove to "abandon" my mother but in doing so I either leave my dog with her or I make arrangements for him before I go. Which is what I am going to do. The latter option. And my mother is a psychopathic piece of garbage. Would be the TLDR version. I will do almost anything to not have to be around her anymore at this point. If I have to commit some non-violent crime to go sit in jail or whatever then so be it but kind of hoping someone at the ER knows of a better option. Even if I could just go stay at some shelter for 2 months would be a huge help. I can't mentally function hardly at all around her my mind is constantly dissociating and ruminating and getting flashbacks and $#%^ I just hole up in a room trying not to off myself or anyone else.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Best of luck to you.

Sounds like you've done your homework Ghost, I'm sure your little friend will find a loving home so you can concentrate in doing what you need to do which is get yourself in a better place.

Take care

sorry to hear about your situation, and hopefully you find some peace. I also experienced similar events and have been around truly psychopathic people, which is completely draining

The homicidal ideation has been a revolving problem with me as well, and I find it best to just check into a hospital; thereby minimizing damage to everyone lol

nevertheless hope your dog finds a good home too

How are you doing ghost?
Hope you and your little dog are both okay.

i relate so much with this.i think i have ptsd from living with them.i felt that i lived in hell and i had no way out and i wantef to kill myself instead of killing them i remember more.i just wanted to die to escape.
and the whole depression and psychology makes it even harder finding a way out.
and then i abandoned the dog there and i feel guilty about it.when i left.
i mean others were sick and dying and i do not feel guilt that i didn’t want them nor cared.but the dog was more relatable to empathize with.
i think if i describe it to others they will say i am oversensitive but to me it felt like i was living in hell.
and my dad that i think was more aspd traits was actually better than living with a non.my aunt and her husband.my aunt might had a pd though.
i have ptsd from my dad too lol.but for different reasons. i prefered him though because he seemed he loved me more.

-- Wed Jun 14, 2017 2:15 pm --

i wish she could find a way to get out.focus to get out.
i used to hate in my despair people that said that to me.like i didn’t believe i could possibly get out.
i abandoned the dog and after a year when ee asked how is the dog,he said that he died.
it wasn’t mine to be honest but i saw it suffer there emotionally.and i feel bad that i left it but
but i lose empathy i guess .for others i do not even feel guilt but for the dog i felt