how to stop isolation ?

hey guys.

i dont know why i am writing right now. no i do. i dont want to be alone yet cant stand being near my friends.

i got addicted to video games a year ago and try to isolate and distract myself 24/7. otherwise i just feel afraid and i have a feeling of completely vanishing.

i m in therapy for over 4 years. doesnt really get better. maybe i am doing something wrong.
i have over 10 different diagnosis. borderline and depersonalisation being the most stressfull for me.

therapist say focus on the here and now, do good stuff for u and so on. then ur feelings will change. i try to do that sometimes and then i just stop coz i feel $#%^. and no matter what i do i feel like $#%^.

when i leave the house everything becomes scary and many things trigger me and remind of an lsd trip from which i had a psychosis. i had to quit studying. i quit many things. and now. now i do just nothing. which is wrong. i am in a day clinic. well today i didnt go coz the sun was shining so bright and sunlight makes me feel afraid. i am waiting to get more stable for an analytic therapy. my mother says analytic therapy is dangerous for bdp. but i have always this feeling that i need answers and no matter how intense therapy has been that my inner conflicts are not resolved. thus i isolate myself. which makes no sense. coz that doesnt help. i just never understand myself and these vanishing feelings. though it has gotten better. i try to avoid everything. the last years have been a nightmare so i dont really try anymore. giving up on myself and feeling very old at 24 years old.

well i didnt really ask a question. i dont know if anyone reads this. if not thats okay. i just dont enjoy anything anymore. no matter what i do there is always something that hurts in some way. always some inner mechanism trying to cope with sth.

so anyone have any ideas on how to stop isolating and facing the world when u feel like good moments dont help and it all repeats itself ? :c

sorry this text is $#%^. thanks if u read it.

Hey, I see that you posted quite a while ago. So maybe you've found something before now. I hope you have. If you are starting to get nervous about going out, or hanging out with people, I have a weird suggestion. I have this friend that we hang out and hardly do anything. Haha it sounds really dumb but its really nice. She's not my go to when I need to vent, or my go to when I need advice. She comes over, literally just walks in the door and we sit on our phones. Or watch Netflix. Or play video games together. Or one of us plays a video game and the other looks at their phone. Once I walked into her house and she was taking a nap so I laid down and took a nap too. Haha. You may not have a friend that this is the norm, but you could tell a friend that you need company, but not chat or vent time. Find a friend who would be interested in doing the things they would normally do while alone...just next to each other. You dont have to engage each other or spend energy on each other. But it would be a small counteract to what you are wanting to do.
Anyways. Again, I hope you've found something that helps already, but regardless, there are my thoughts.