self-sabotage

so, self-sabotage is brutal, but what is more brutal is realizing you are doing it and continuing with that behavior.

i have a dude in my life that i cannot seem to shake. sober, i don't think about him that much, but the second i am drinking, he is the first thing on my mind. which would be fine if we were healthy together, but we are absolutely anything but and the toxicity of our relationship places great strain on my mental heath.

so, you think i would maybe stop drinking, but no. no, i seem to be drinking more and i am not certain if it is just to feel better about contacting him/accepting his contact OR if i am drinking as a result of the stress the relationship has caused me.

i have been pretty good for a long time with the help of a therapist, but i see a backslide and i am frozen, unable to stop it. things were very bad for a very long time and it worries me that i will return to that place, yet i remain stuck.

Hey ideally,

I've felt this before.

My experience was that since I felt that there was no one else in the world I could ever possibly pair mentally and physically with, I could not leave. This is a misconception and I assure you that you will find someone better.

You definitely need to not drink for a while since it triggers thoughts of him. Next, take some steps to remove him out of that position of control over you. Not cut ties, but discontinue any contact you have with him that is personal or sexual. Then, this is what I feel is the most important part, set yourself up for the right type of person you want. Not look for them obsessively, but just try to make it so that you attract the type of person you want. You can look if you want, but I think they will find you either way.

Regards,

Somethingelse

ideally wrote:so, self-sabotage is brutal, but what is more brutal is realizing you are doing it and continuing with that behavior.

i have a dude in my life that i cannot seem to shake. sober, i don't think about him that much, but the second i am drinking, he is the first thing on my mind. which would be fine if we were healthy together, but we are absolutely anything but and the toxicity of our relationship places great strain on my mental heath.

so, you think i would maybe stop drinking, but no. no, i seem to be drinking more and i am not certain if it is just to feel better about contacting him/accepting his contact OR if i am drinking as a result of the stress the relationship has caused me.

i have been pretty good for a long time with the help of a therapist, but i see a backslide and i am frozen, unable to stop it. things were very bad for a very long time and it worries me that i will return to that place, yet i remain stuck.

I Guess, Knowing Something About 'Drinking' (Recovering Alcoholic 19 Yrs), I Feel Its Something We Do, Either Because We Are 'Trying' To 'Cope' With Our 'Everyday' Existence Or, Its Gives Us An 'Excuse' To 'Stay' Within, 'Toxic' Relationships / Situations And The Existence Were 'Stuck' In ... For Me, It Also Numbed The Pain, Emotions, Feelings, Thoughts Plus, So, So Much More ...
Obviously, You 'Know' That, The 'Relationship' Your In, When 'Drinking', Is Extremely 'Toxic' And Your Not, In A 'Good' Place, When There So, The Best Option I'd Say, Is 'Not' To Drink If, You Can Manage That And 'Want' Your Toxic Relationship To End ...
Only You Know That However, We Both Know We Can 'Destroy' Our Lives Wether, We Are 'Sober' Or, 'Drinking' Because, Of Our BPD ...
You Are The 'Only' Person, Who Can Make The 'Decisions', You Definately 'Need' To Make But, If This Is Making Your Life 'Unmanageable', Which Is Sounds As Though, It Is Then, If It Were Me, I'd Seriously 'Stop' Drinking And 'Not' Contact This Person, Ever Again ...
You Have To Think About, Your 'Longeterm' Mental Health And 'How', Seeing This Person Is Really 'Damaging', All Of The Good Work, That 'Therapy' Has Helped You With And 'All' Of The 'Positive' Changes That, By Working On Yourself, You Have 'Achieved' ...
By Staying 'Stuck' And 'Repeating' The 'Madness', Over And Over Again This, Can Only Make You 'Unravel' And 'Backtrack' Into, The Deep Darkness That, YouAnd I Both, 'Know' All Too Well ...
Not A Place, Where 'Anybody' Wants To Be Or, Go Back To As, It Literally Is ...
'LIVING IN SHEER HELL' ...
Here If You Need To Talk Anytime And Believe Me, I Totally 'Understand' And 'Get', Where Your At My Friend ...
Much Love ... Trish

"SomethingElse"'s advice seems pretty solid. I am in a similar boat as you, OP. Drinking is definitely something I struggle with and I have gone to AA and am trying to sober up but...

Right now my FP is my ex. He has had enough of my drunken overemotional antics, but he also is bipolar and some of his behavior was triggering for me and vice versa. I snuck drinks sometimes before hanging out with him because I believed it helped me be "the cool girl" he likes in me.

The problem would arise when I would get super drunk and he would have no idea why I was behaving that way. So my over reactions which are normally already excessive thanks to BPD were tenfold thanks to booze.

We are truly talented at self-sabotage. My only advice mirrors SomethingElse - take care of yourself, avoid the bottle, and take a look at yourself. Remember what makes you awesome. There's something about you that attracted this person to you in the first place. Remember who you are, because in times like these, we often forget.

SomethingElse wrote:My experience was that since I felt that there was no one else in the world I could ever possibly pair mentally and physically with, I could not leave. This is a misconception and I assure you that you will find someone better.

that plays a huge role in what is going on. he is aware of my emotional struggles and while he ABSOLUTELY exploits them, it provides a very diluted, yet safe space for me to not feel judged (despite feeling constantly punished. go figure).

i appreciate the toxicity of this situation. i fully understand that i both drink to enable myself to be with him and also drink because of the pain this relationship has caused. only recently did i connect the drinking dots, so while not an ideal situation, i do see an element of progress.

giving up alcohol is difficult. a part of me feels i should not have to give up my social drinking to avoid a male, but it is obviously not that clear cut and innocent. he has directly inserted himself into my relationship with alcohol and like it or not, that is an issue only i can resolve.

KaREBear_88 wrote: We are truly talented at self-sabotage. My only advice mirrors SomethingElse - take care of yourself, avoid the bottle, and take a look at yourself. Remember what makes you awesome. There's something about you that attracted this person to you in the first place. Remember who you are, because in times like these, we often forget.

thank you, but i fear he was attracted to me because he could sense my issues light-years away. sure, we were initially attracted to each other physically, but i think he had me pegged in under three days. it was very typical of an unhealthy relationship, 'i love yous', talks of moving in, all within months, weeks even. but me using alcohol to cope is just a new, scary low considering alcoholism runs in my family.

committing to sobriety has been the most anxiety-inducing event that i could recall in a very long time.

i feel like a failure for allowing alcohol to turn into a problem. my pride is quite wounded and that sensation is sometimes unbearable.

i am suddenly experiencing waves of pain, pain that i would typically sip away. also, i knew that drinking caused pain, so i was okay with that pain before. the self-induced type. but sober emotions stemming from repression and trauma? well, they are physically painful. i am on the verge of tears at all times.

my identity is nowhere to be found.

my relationships ALL centered around alcohol, i feel so lonely and small and insignificant in everyone's eyes.

i know it will get better, i understand the benefits. i have some moments where i feel more clear, but jesus christ, this is hard. not actually drinking, feeling. i don't long for any alcohol. i just long to hide.

ideally wrote:committing to sobriety has been the most anxiety-inducing event that i could recall in a very long time.

i feel like a failure for allowing alcohol to turn into a problem. my pride is quite wounded and that sensation is sometimes unbearable.

i am suddenly experiencing waves of pain, pain that i would typically sip away. also, i knew that drinking caused pain, so i was okay with that pain before. the self-induced type. but sober emotions stemming from repression and trauma? well, they are physically painful. i am on the verge of tears at all times.

my identity is nowhere to be found.

my relationships ALL centered around alcohol, i feel so lonely and small and insignificant in everyone's eyes.

i know it will get better, i understand the benefits. i have some moments where i feel more clear, but jesus christ, this is hard. not actually drinking, feeling. i don't long for any alcohol. i just long to hide.

Hi there. Just wanted to say that it's really the best decision for your mental health to get sober. My BPD was at it's most destructive while I was still using. I was able to really deal with my issues once the drugs were gone. I felt like drugging only prolonged my suffering and I would just wallow in it for years.

I know the beginning is the hardest part but it gets easier. Keep up the good work. You don't have to go through it alone.

thanks, leiladream. it feels lonely right now, but i am clinging to the hope this will get easier.

how long have you been sober, if i may ask?

There is an NLPism that might not always seem to make sense but I find it very useful and it works for me if I think it through.

It's :

Behind every behaviour there is a positive intention.

So maybe, if you can work out what your positive intentions are you can see a way to getting your needs met by behaving in a way that isn't harmful to yourself?

-- Thu May 18, 2017 11:38 am --

In case anyone is interested, I'll add all the NLP Presuppositions:

Have respect for the other person’s model of the world.

We are all unique and experience the world in different ways. Everyone is individual and has their own special way of being.

The map is not the territory.

People respond to their ‘map’ of reality, not to reality itself. How people make sense of the world around them is through their senses and from their own personal experience; this means that each individual's perception of an event is different.

Mind and body form a linked system.

Your mental attitude affects your body and your health and, in turn, how you behave.

If what you are doing isn't working, do something else.

Flexibility is the key to success.

Choice is better than no choice.

Having options can provide more opportunities for achieving results.

We are always communicating.

Even when we remain silent, we are communicating. Non-verbal communication can account for a large proportion of a message.

The meaning of your communication is the response you get.

While your intention may be clear to you, it is the other person's interpretation and response that reflects your effectiveness. NLP teaches you the skills and flexibility to ensure that the message you send equals the message they receive.

There is no failure, only feedback.

What seemed like failure can be thought of as success that just stopped too soon. With this understanding, we can stop blaming ourselves and others, find solutions and improve the quality of what we do.

Behind every behaviour there is a positive intention.

When we understand that other people have some positive intention in what they say and do (however annoying and negative it may seem to us), it can be easier to stop getting angry and start to move forward.

Anything can be accomplished if the task is broken down into small enough steps.

Achievement becomes easier if activities are manageable; NLP can help you learn how to analyse what needs to be done and find ways to be both efficient and effective.

Merseamud wrote:There is an NLPism that might not always seem to make sense but I find it very useful and it works for me if I think it through.

It's :

Behind every behaviour there is a positive intention.

So maybe, if you can work out what your positive intentions are you can see a way to getting your needs met by behaving in a way that isn't harmful to yourself?

i thought about this and struggled to find the positive intention behind drinking to black out. protecting myself from emotion? if that could be a positive intention? protecting myself from pain?