ideally wrote:so, self-sabotage is brutal, but what is more brutal is realizing you are doing it and continuing with that behavior.
i have a dude in my life that i cannot seem to shake. sober, i don't think about him that much, but the second i am drinking, he is the first thing on my mind. which would be fine if we were healthy together, but we are absolutely anything but and the toxicity of our relationship places great strain on my mental heath.
so, you think i would maybe stop drinking, but no. no, i seem to be drinking more and i am not certain if it is just to feel better about contacting him/accepting his contact OR if i am drinking as a result of the stress the relationship has caused me.
i have been pretty good for a long time with the help of a therapist, but i see a backslide and i am frozen, unable to stop it. things were very bad for a very long time and it worries me that i will return to that place, yet i remain stuck.
I Guess, Knowing Something About 'Drinking' (Recovering Alcoholic 19 Yrs), I Feel Its Something We Do, Either Because We Are 'Trying' To 'Cope' With Our 'Everyday' Existence Or, Its Gives Us An 'Excuse' To 'Stay' Within, 'Toxic' Relationships / Situations And The Existence Were 'Stuck' In ... For Me, It Also Numbed The Pain, Emotions, Feelings, Thoughts Plus, So, So Much More ...
Obviously, You 'Know' That, The 'Relationship' Your In, When 'Drinking', Is Extremely 'Toxic' And Your Not, In A 'Good' Place, When There So, The Best Option I'd Say, Is 'Not' To Drink If, You Can Manage That And 'Want' Your Toxic Relationship To End ...
Only You Know That However, We Both Know We Can 'Destroy' Our Lives Wether, We Are 'Sober' Or, 'Drinking' Because, Of Our BPD ...
You Are The 'Only' Person, Who Can Make The 'Decisions', You Definately 'Need' To Make But, If This Is Making Your Life 'Unmanageable', Which Is Sounds As Though, It Is Then, If It Were Me, I'd Seriously 'Stop' Drinking And 'Not' Contact This Person, Ever Again ...
You Have To Think About, Your 'Longeterm' Mental Health And 'How', Seeing This Person Is Really 'Damaging', All Of The Good Work, That 'Therapy' Has Helped You With And 'All' Of The 'Positive' Changes That, By Working On Yourself, You Have 'Achieved' ...
By Staying 'Stuck' And 'Repeating' The 'Madness', Over And Over Again This, Can Only Make You 'Unravel' And 'Backtrack' Into, The Deep Darkness That, YouAnd I Both, 'Know' All Too Well ...
Not A Place, Where 'Anybody' Wants To Be Or, Go Back To As, It Literally Is ...
'LIVING IN SHEER HELL' ...
Here If You Need To Talk Anytime And Believe Me, I Totally 'Understand' And 'Get', Where Your At My Friend ...
Much Love ... Trish