The Idealization/devaluation of self

For those of you with BPD, is there a constant battle waging within you wherein one minute you may have grandiose ideations about yourself, and the next have feelings of worthlessness? I am curious how labile this condition is, and to what extent it plays out.
Do you feel physically superior and then horrendously ugly? Do you have feelings of possessing a superior intellect and then you feel like an imbecile?

On a related note, do you always have a feeling of "being evil," or is this something that waxes and wanes as well?

Thanks.

Very often. I have a flickering / fluctuating belief that I'm an angel reincarnated, and that the strength in love and beauty of my human orgasm is somehow responsible for many of the miracles that happen in the world; - this is a belief that can have me laughing so delightedly to myself at random moments even when I'm outside and walking down the street. And yet sometimes I'll feel so grotesque that I lock myself away and feel I don't even deserve to eat; the low has gone as extreme as pushing away my significant other because I feel so morbidly ugly, and telling myself never to have children because there's no way I could cope for guilt if they inherited my "ugly" genes.

i could agree with everything said already but instead i will add something not mentioned before, concerning your question of "feeling evil"

in fact i do feel evil, well i dont consider myself to be a good person, one of my very few constants, maybe somedays ill think myself better or less rotten on the inside, but its a real bitch at times

id also like to note that i am bothered with those intelectual fluctuations :-S its great when i feel like im on top of the world, smarter than any man, but the days or times i feel like a moron really, really suck because they make me uncertain where i belong, im told im smart but am i really

i hate that..

hope it doesnt wear you down,

TM

I suspect all BPD comes from Trauma, just like APD.
actually about every single personality disorder comes from Trauma IMO.. is just BPD seems to be the pits of hell. since your mind is in chaos. (mine is i think)

I can be manipulative, the funny thing is that it's not deliberately.
and i can hurt people's feelings, simply cause i know i can't help it
also i send of vibes of 'go away' since i do in fact consider most people to be unapproahable to me. (at least nowadays) it's basically hell and im seriosuly thinking on just die and forget about it all.

i dont like being fake, and yet my social skills are deteriorating.

Is anyone alive in this forum or everyone just commited suicide already? shrugs.

having known where 'EVIL' some from i don't believe in evil anymore, just misunderstanding and fear to the unknown. i do believe in certain 'negative' emotions, or certain 'negative' behaviours, but 'EVIL' there's no such thing. IMO.

the extreme of 'evil' would be canibalism (As in trying to get 'love' the despairing way (or to exist, be with someone), but it's at the same time a despairing and unbearable condition that radiates compassion. pain in such ways, is the catalystic of 'EVIL'. IMO. anyways.

perhaps the Devil does feels alright, but i dont think so. i think he's in pain- ANYWAYS

Tortured Mind wrote:i could agree with everything said already but instead i will add something not mentioned before, concerning your question of "feeling evil"

in fact i do feel evil, well i dont consider myself to be a good person, one of my very few constants, maybe somedays ill think myself better or less rotten on the inside, but its a real bitch at times

id also like to note that i am bothered with those intelectual fluctuations :-S its great when i feel like im on top of the world, smarter than any man, but the days or times i feel like a moron really, really suck because they make me uncertain where i belong, im told im smart but am i really

i hate that..

hope it doesnt wear you down,

TM

Does that possible have to do with realy schoolyears
and lead to an competive arrogant personality?
Does people seem to believe you are shallow and dumb because of your social demeanor?
Which makes you feel controlled by them?

Is it possible you associate death with you suicide thoughts in an broader sense that suicide?
For example imaging yourself dealing with death or somehow responsible for death.
Perhaps you imagine yourself trying to cheat death
or you feel guilty and evil because you idenitt yourself with death?


This feeling evil? Is that only because you feel you are impulsive and lack self-control sexually and aggressive?

Is it possible for an borderline to rationalise their negative self-view
as "fact", like if they said I they simply in fact wanted to know and describe themselves.
Is it possible that they describe these negative traits trying to be distanced and neutral.

Like saying I like being "sacrastic" or "it's good that I can lie" etc.

Also is it possible this self-view is influenced by always having
intensive and changing relationships?
Being extra social makes you extra self-aware and self-evaluating?
I mean you are onluy judging yourself because of influence of others
and since you I assume rarely keep the same type of company
the expectations and reactions on you must always change.

I try to say, you think your are egoistical because you really think to much on others.

If so couldn't the person then evaluate others in the same way.

Do bordelines usually coldy analyse themselves and others and are usually deeply self-aware in detail?
Can they be re-evaluating themselves in an "instabile" rational way?

Is this devaluation just an effect of being in the centre?

How can you have an lack of sense of self and an self-devalution.